Partnered Bisexuals, What Do You Do?

Having accepted that I'm bisexual a couple of months ago, I'm much happier now that there's no difference between what I am, what I think I am and what I say I am. I came out to my friends and family, so I've done the hard part. The bi label feels accurate but I still feel like something of an imposter due to the unsettled nature of the label from the point of view of society that people are either gay or straight, in spite of most people actually being bi, going by the Kinsey scale and where most people fall.

I was given the freedom to explore, so I started using a dating app. I was completely honest with my partner and with the people that I talked to but in spite of being asked out and being offered threesomes and hookups, I just didn't feel comfortable actually going outside of the relationship.

I haven't experienced the gay floodgates opening since accepting the gay side of myself, as others here say commonly occurs. I wasn't attracted to many guys on the app but a few had photos of their girlfriends, who often caught my eye. I also got hit on by a transman and while I hadn't really thought about that side of things, I was definitely attracted to this person, although it was their femininity that I responded to.

There were a few guys that I thought were cute though and one that was very attractive, who asked me out but ghosted when I said I was just looking for friends. He was bi and his girlfriend was equally gorgeous. I'm still a bit confused but I think I'm bi rather than anything else.

My sex life with my girlfriend has improved significantly across the board since I came out to her. The depth of the feelings that we have for each other and the level of support offered to each other has really been brought to the fore and as such, having had the opportunity to to take note of what exists between us has only made it more difficult to leave or at least to explore the gay part of things.

My family were very supportive at first but things have kind of settled back down to exactly where they were since I came out. That's a good thing because it means nothing has changed about my relationships and how these people see me but I think everyone would prefer it if things stayed as they are and I got married and forgot about all of this.

At this point, I'm not really sure how to move forward because I want conflicting things. I love my girlfriend, I'm attracted to my girlfriend and I want to marry her and continue building what we've started but I also want to see if I'd be happier in a gay relationship. I want a monogamous relationship though and what I've built with my partner took a long time and is the kind of relationship that anyone would be very lucky to have, so it's hard not to want to protect that.

TLDR: if you're bi, partnered and you realised that you were bi while in a relationship, what did you do?

 

Hey Jake, sounds like you're in a similar situation to me. I didn't know that I was bi when I was younger or at least focused on the straight side of myself. I wish I'd known when I was younger though because it would have been a lot easier to explore men and women and figure this out when I was single.

At this point though, I want to have a gay relationship too but I don't want to interfere with the relationship that I currently have. I think that sexually I would potentially be a lot more satisfied in a gay relationship, so I don't want to keep going down the road I'm on and get married to a woman if I'm more gay than heterosexual. I'm not sure that an open relationship would work for me and if I did explore this, I doubt I could keep things simply sexual. I also think that I'm unlikely to find the kind of person that I'd actually be interested in if I was partnered.

Do you have any advice in terms of figuring this out while partnered and do you have a plan for yourself in that regard? Input on this in general would be great, whether people are bi or not.

 

Weird and wrong wouldn't come to mind specifically to describe my response to that, or to my situation either. It seems perfectly understandable and of course relatable to me. I think it is what it is. I don't think it's weird or wrong, it's just difficult to navigate and not an ideal situation to be in.

I don't feel right personally about about going outside my relationship because I know that my partner wouldn't like it, even if she wants me to be happy. I wouldn't like it if the situation reversed. So I guess in a sense, we're each putting the other ahead of ourselves in that she's letting me explore and I want to remain only hers.

Going outside the relationship with permission isn't wrong, objectively speaking but it could cause pain and could irreparably damage what we have. It is something that would make me feel guilty and selfish, even if it's not that simple. If my partner was totally fine with it, then I likely wouldn't feel that way. Having said that, she feels guilty and selfish in keeping me in the relationship and not letting me figure myself out because she loves me enough to be that selfless.

 

As far as how I perceive myself, I don't think it's weird at all and I don't think it's wrong, I just don't feel comfortable with it.

I feel some guilt about wanting to go outside the relationship but if I did with permission, I wouldn't say that I'd done the wrong thing but in doing that, it may have consequences that could come about, regardless of having my girlfriend's permission.

 

Sorry, had trouble with the quote in my last post.

It's awesome that you found a way to explore this with your partner. I don't think either of us would be interested in threesomes as a solution though.

 

Thanks Jake, hope you can find a way to explore that too. It seems like it's really important to you. Is your wife supportive of you having a boyfriend?

 

Thanks Bastion. I'm not married but it's a longterm committed relationship and ending it would be much like a divorce.

I'm really at the crossroads of getting married to a woman or being gay i think. I think it's reasonable to call myself bisexual because I'm very much drawn to attractive women and I do enjoy having sex with them but I don't think heterosexual sex is what's optimal for me in terms of arousal. I think beautiful women are mesmerising where men mostly are not and in terms of genitals, for me it's the opposite.

As you say, having a partner like this is pretty valuable. People like this don't come by in life often for anyone. I'm not saying something else wouldn't come along but I do think people like this are really the greatest gifts that life will ever offer up, and this one in particular, I think I could well regret letting go forever if I get it wrong.

I think I'm trying to avoid regret and to do the right thing but it's such a complex conundrum that it's very unclear what the right decision is. When I think about it, if I don't explore this, then it'll just hang around forever. I'll always doubt my decision not to explore whether or not being gay is my true nature.

I don't think I can dip my toe in the water as it were though. I'm not likely to have sex with someone that I'm not really into but being really into someone in a way means being open, which means changing how I feel about my relationship and my partner. I'm an all-in romance kind of guy. If someone hits the spot, approaching them from the position of someone who's in a relationship means they're extremely likely to see it as a casual thing but that's never what I've been into.

My partner was supportive of me exploring at first but I was going to meet up with a guy I got along with on a dating app but wasn't super into as friends and she was a bit weird about it, calling it a date. Since then, I've kind of got cold feet on the whole thing.

If I tried it and it wasn't for me, that would certainly make it a worthwhile endeavour. If I tried it and it was for me, same thing. I guess the trick is giving this a chance. I just can't help but feel guilty about it. I still feel like I'm doing something wrong and I should be wary of making a mistake with going down this path but I can't be at peace with what I have.

 

So then, what do you do and what exactly do you want? It seems like me, you want to explore gay sex and relationships but you have a loving partner and you don't want to lose that. It seems like we've both been stuck on the same thing for a long time if in slightly different ways. I want a resolution rather than posting here for years about "what if". Life is pouring out the window every day, and I don't want to rush but I feel like indecision isn't a good place to stay for a long time in life.

 

Thanks BiGemini, that helps a lot actually. I wasn't sure quite what I was hoping to hear but I'm glad I asked because I think this is actually it.

I think where you are now may well be where I end up with it and where I'm starting to shift. Ultimately, I just want to be at peace with these things. If I can be okay with not exploring this, that would be enough and it's not like I have no idea what it would be like.

The old delete and reinstall the dating app eh? I've been there too, haha. Funnily enough, rather than making me want to explore physically, I've found that talking to people on the app has actually been a good way to understand myself and other people. I've come across a few bisexuals who have been great to talk to and plenty of the gay guys I've talked to have been helpful as well.

I'd say it's a bit more than just the wondering that's preventing absolute satisfaction but things are improving in the bedroom regardless. I go into more detail about my situation in my other thread from a couple of months ago. Maybe you're right about that though.

When I came out, I thought I was coming out and then going to have this big gay adventure but I guess I'm already mid-adventure. Seems kind of funny in a way to be out when I don't need to be but I think it's important not to feel like I'm hiding or like anyone has the power to make me fearful of being honest about who I am and that freedom and return of power actually feels great.

 

Yeah, it's equally good to hear from others in the same boat for me too. If we could get every human being in this situation to respond, it'd be a huge thread! We're obviously not alone but it can be difficult to find people who get it to talk about it with.

Hopefully the suggestions that maybe aren't quite right for me help some others too.

Maybe looking for gay social groups on Meetup or Facebook etc would be better than the hookup apps we've been looking on. Even though I'm in a heterosexual relationship, it does feel like I actually have more in common with people who aren't straight, so it would be cool to meet more people who I can relate to in ways like this.

Happy to chat with you about anything else that you'd like to get into on this.