Title says it all really. I am much better than I was as a child but still fall short compared to other people. What is the trick to confidence, and believing it? How can I feel 'enough' or worthy? I was trying the 'fake it till you make it' but it feels so fake, and over the last few weeks it's been getting harder and harder to do that. I'm hating myself more and more and it's not getting better. And I don't know what to do about it. Therapy has been a temporary sticking plaster that never really gets to the bottom of the issue- creating lasting confidence that I genuinely believe in. I also struggle to be myself- maybe it's a stupid questions but how do I know who that is? I could really do with some support at the moment, even though I've already taken more than my fair share of people's time here.
Self confidence is something I have struggled with a lot. I have low self esteem too. I have read your other post too and it all comes down to confidence. I notice that you only seem to list all of the negative things, that you're not rich or handsome and so on, but instead of negative try coming up with some positive things about yourself and things you're good at, no matter how insicnificant it seems. You can write it all down. First thing you need to do is stop this negative mindset and focus on positive, what also helps boost self confidence. Also you keep comparing yourself to others and that's the worst thing to do, since it again brings down your self confidence. We all are individuals and unique human beings. I mean I still discover things about myself and I feel like it's okay to not fully understand yourself, but rather discover more and more and this is a good thing and also fun to see what you're capable of and how your personality is. Hope I make sense. Confidence can be tough to build, but it's all doable. You can set yourself goals, but take one goal at a time, otherwise you will overwhelme yourself. Be kind to yourself. This next bit is something that I needed to hear myself, so maybe it will help someway. We all judge ourselves and it can leave an impact, withouth us knowing about how we feel and act. Try look at it this way. Would you say all those negative things about someone dear? Treat yourself same way. How about standing up for yourself and showing that inner critic what you're made of? You can also be your own cheerleader. Come up with cheer for yourself, it can be fun too. We often take care of our physical needs, but mental wellbeing is something we tend to forget.
Thank you for your reply. I will try writing things down again. I tried before but I found that the thing seemed silly, or like I had to justify them (especially if I wrote anything about my appearance I liked). I also found it wasn't things that society values. I can say I personally believe being agreeable (for example) is a good trait but then does it benefit me? Not really, I just end up being a people-pleaser. What I really want is good looks. I feel like it'd make my life so much more enjoyable. People would be nicer to me so I'd feel happier. I wouldn't be better at stuff but at least I'd look good trying. I really hope it is doable for me. It feels like, at age 28, it's beyond doable and that I'm getting a lot worse recently, and I don't know why. I'm sorry I'm always so negative. I don't know if this is a stupid question (I'm sorry I always label my thoughts as 'stupid' and I'm sorry for always apologising, but I worry someone else will say it if I don't get there first), but could you give an example maybe of a goal? Thank you. Thank you. When I've tried this in the past it does work, but the thing that stops me is that voice again going "But what if it's a lie? Don't fool yourself by thinking there's nothing wrong with the way you are- then people would think you're deluded and laugh at you, saying 'Who does he think he is?!' ". I really wish I could tell if I really am as disgusting-looking as I think. I know I'm not my country's idea of conventionally-attractive by any means, but I've been on dates in the past who all said they loved the way I look, and wanted to sleep with me, so maybe at least some people do? But I wish I could tell for sure. I wish I could be proud of looking 'different' (whatever that means) and flaunt it even. I wish I could let my individuality shine through instead of feeling bad that I don't look like the rest of them. I am really good at taking care of my physical needs, but I treat myself like shit mentally. Feel like I learned that early in life from others around me. Anyway, thank you for the advice, as usual it is nice to read. I don't know if this is weird to say but I've only just noticed that you're from Estonia and I wanted to say that your English is perfect. I'm sure you already know so I hope that didn't sound patronising but I always assumed you were a native English speaker. Please tell me if that came across as patronising, and I'm sorry if it did.
Looks can definetly play a role, but I find that we all have that unique charm. I'm not good looking either. I have acne and my hair is thining and need to loose weight. If you somehow would see that unique charm, then it's a big confidence booster. Maybe you have something you like about yourself? I really struggle with body image issues too. I do have body dysmorphia. We can't change our genetics, what also plays a role on how we look, but there are things we can change, like for example our clothing, wearing clothes that makes us look good and feel good can boost confidence or changing your hair style and play around with it all and see. Maybe it all will help you to see your own charm. Don't think about benefits, just write it down and see how many good qualities you get, then you can start thinking about how they so called would benefit you, if you really have to. I'm sorry that you haven't met many nice people. This can also really affect our confidence. But they are out there, just need to find the right kind of group for you, what might be difficult, but putting yourself out there and engaging in hobbies help find such groups. It is doable. Otherwise I would be able to do it either. I've been trying to gain more confidence too. It's hard, but if you really want something, then you can do it. There is no stupid questions out there. Of course I can give you an example. There are different goals you can set. Some of them can be goals that you can complete with a short time and some of them the time to complete is longer. Long term goal can be for example commit to a fitness routine, if you want to lead a more healthier lifestyle. Short term goal can be for example read through at least 2 books at one month. It's also good to set the goals dates, when you wish to complete them, just to give it an endpoint for yourself. Hope it's understandable, but don't be afraid to ask more about it. I can definetly try to explain better. I don't mind at all, so don't worry. I get such thoughts too. These intrusive thoughts that are telling me every time how worthless and stupid I am, but that voice is wrong. You can't stop them, but it's good that you are letting your thoughts out. It's already a win. I'm so glad and anytime. I'm happy, when I can be helpful. Thank you very much. Yes I'm not a native English speaker. My native language is Estonian. I still tend to spellcheck words sometimes. I learned English as a child from watching English cartoons. It's also mandatory in schools here and my profession is in tourism field too, so languages is a must. Most here speak 3 or more languages. It's not patronizing at all. No need to worry.
There are some things I like about myself, when I 'allow' myself to like myself it does feel good, too. A bit like I'm doing something I'm not supposed to, but in a good way. There are even things I like about the way I look (again, when I let myself) that other people specifically criticise. I'm trying to be braver with the clothes I wear, even if some of the stuff makes my straight friends uncomfortable (I think they only worry that I'll be mocked for it, but I never have. I really don't wear anything that's very 'out there'). I will start my list tonight. I'll keep it this time and make myself look back at it. Ive had a think about some goals too. Sometimes to to be honest I think I've actually done quite well at doing things like joining and continuing to attend this sports group. Many other people have joined and not come back after one week because it can seem clique-y and like everyone has known each other for years. But I've persevered, even if I still have the thought that I don't fit in there. Tonight I went on social media (I really don't use it that much) and saw pictures of some people from the group out having a good time. I immediately thought about how bad I am for being not as educated, conventionally-handsome, into loud bars and 'the scene' as they are, but I tried to override those knee-jerk reaction thoughts and remember that maybe that person is insecure, hence why they have to post this stuff ALL. THE. TIME. about their fun, fun, fun life with all their rich, gorgeous gay friends. Maybe I am horrible and judgmental though. I would love to have even one close gay friend.
I know the feeling. Whenever I wear more masculine clothing, then I get told that I should wear more feminine things or when they see stuff in magazines and tell me, that I should buy it, because it would suit me, while in reality I don't even wear such styles like they reccomend. You need to stand your ground and don't let the criticise get to you. I know it's easier said, than do be done. You have things you like about yourself and that's already a win, even if there is this thought somewhere, that don't allow it. That thought in reality has no power over you. It's simply a thought, that you yourself give that power to. Another good quality about you right in this sentence. You have precervance and that is a really good to have and is useful to have in different situations. You seem to like attending the sports group though, what is very good and that too can give you confidence. Over time this feeling of not fitting in will dissapear. The more you attend, the more they get to know and you them and before you know it, you have been there for years too. Pictures in social media are just pictures. You don't know how they feel, even if seemingly everyone have a good time. I agree, that people who post this stuff are insecure and want to show off. The main stuff I post to my social media are food pics or pics of sceenery lol. I don't enjoy loud bars either. There simply are club people and those who are not club people. You will find gay friends eventually. Life is unexpected and you never know what it brings your way.
Thank you. When I get to a higher 'baseline' level of happiness/contentedness I am sometimes able to recognise that it's just a thought (and not a helpful one either). At lower points I tend to keep on thinking like that because I feel I have to punish myself for some reason. I'm getting better at wearing what I want to wear all the time so I think I am heading in the right direction. Most men's clothing in the UK is designed to make your arms look at big and bulky as possible, but that's not a great look on me so I'm learning to accentuate my own body's good points. Thanks. I do think I have good perseverance. Not to make this too negative but there have been many times I've wanted to (and a few times I almost have managed to) kill myself, but each time I haven't so maybe that's something. Resilience. I am going to keep attending the sports group. I hope I can explain why I won't be attending their Pride event and just hint at having social anxiety sometimes, but I won't make it a big thing. I'm so glad you think the same about social media and that there are gays who aren't into clubs (no judgment on those who do though). It was one of the reasons behind joining the sports group- an alternative to the club scene. Almost everyone else there loves loud gay bars but they try to do socials around other activities, which I appreciate. Thanks again for your time and help. It's nice to put my thoughts down on paper but sometimes I need to feel that someone is reading them somewhere too. Hope you enjoy the rest of your week
It's good you have those higher points sometimes though, and that you can recognise they're just thoughts. And good on you at getting better at expressing yourself! Honestly, most men aren't big and bulky. Guys come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, so don't feel bad about that. And it's okay. I hope you're looking after your mental health as best you can, for your sake. You seem quite positive now, but if you ever feel down, there's all sorts of help out there and please reach out whenever you need to. Please keep do attending! In person groups tend to be much better for our mental health than apps, so it's definitely good you're taking those steps to improve your social circle =) I'm very similar to you, I don't drink, and loud activities scare me honestly. I much prefer something more relaxed. Maybe I should join a sports group myself! Please keep posting as much as you need to. I hope you continue feeling a bit better, these steps are very important to take and it sounds like you're definitely making progress. Things don't change overnight unfortunately, but it sounds like you're well on your way to getting to a better place.
I'd recommend picking up a copy of David Burns' "Feeling Good," which has helped me a lot in combating my own self-esteem issues and fears about life in general. It's thoroughly cognitive in its approach, but if it works for you, it'll make actions that further reinforce your own sense of worth much easier and more natural feeling.
