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My dad's attitude :(

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Rayland, Jul 26, 2022.

  1. Rayland

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    It's more of a vent, but if anyone has any advice at all on how to deal with this, then I'm grateful for it all.

    My dad is just argh. Whenever I'm talking about getting psychiatric help or going to psychologist he starts to mock me for getting help and thinks I can deal with these things on my own without needing outside help. If I was able to deal with it, then I wouldn't have gone and searched for help. He is stuck in soviet times and I do get it, but this really helps me. I even have told him that his words are hurtful and says that the rest of us are stupid and he is right. I told him that he needs psychiatric help too. Sigh. This is why I won't tell him about my worries.
     
  2. mlansing

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    I am sorry to hear that :frowning2: It is probably worth expressing how what he says makes you feel, which it sounds like you have done already. If you have shared that and the behavior continues, though, then the best thing in my opinion would be to not share your struggles with him as much, or just say you would rather not talk about it if it comes up. It sucks to feel invalidated by the people we love.
     
  3. TinyWerewolf

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    Well mlansing hit the nail on the head. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this , Rain.
     
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  4. Rayland

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    It does suck. Just wish I could tell him about these things without getting mocked or riddiculed. :frowning2:
     
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  5. Rayland

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    Thank you. It's is how it is. Can't really change him. It's frustrating and makes me sad.
     
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  6. TinyWerewolf

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    I know that feeling quite well, don't give what he says on it any credence. You may not be able to change him, but you can block out those negative ideas.
     
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  7. Rayland

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    I've been trying to block it out, but sometimes it's just gets to me despite. I already have low self esteem and just learning to love myself.
     
  8. TinyWerewolf

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    I know, and that's ok- it takes time to be able to fully do that. Just know therapy is the smart move, and everyone needs help sometimes.
     
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  9. Rayland

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    Yeah. I'm going to be able to finally see psychologist too, beside just psychiatrist and I asked my psychiatrist to send me to someone who is more knowledgeable about LGBTQIA+ people and looks like there is someone like this, but I'll have to wait. That psychologist is at a vacation for now, so they call me, if they are back and can then set up an appoitment.
     
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  10. Cinnamoon

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    My dad is exactly the same to be honest. Except he's British so he's stuck in Victorian times.

    Even though you're struggling with the professionals you see, at least you're under one. I hope the appointment they set up helps you. Every post you make, appointment you attend and person you talk to about your feelings is a step on your journey to feeling better in yourself. I know it's hard, but you're doing everything you can so please be kind to yourself.
     
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  11. Rayland

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    I'm sorry your dad is like too.

    And thank you. I'm still working hard on being kind and trying to love myself and be happy, but I know it's a long journey, so I'm taking baby steps to get there.
     
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  12. chicodeoro

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    Different generations, innit?

    Well, I'd be tempted to mock him back; something along the lines of 'yeah keeping it all in has worked out well for your generation, hasn't it?'

    Or just straight bat it: 'This is my life and I'll work out my issues in my own way. Not yours. Thank you very much'.
     
    #12 chicodeoro, Jul 27, 2022
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2022
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  13. PrettyBoyBlue

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    @Rayland, I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. @mlansing definitely gets it right here I feel.

    My only suggestion is that maybe there's someone else, another family member perhaps, that your dad will listen to and respect. (My mother has similiar issues, and I believe my Aunt is the only person who might one day talk sense to her.)

    @Cinnamoon and @chicodeoro made me think of an old Welsh connection: The song "Pack Up Your Troubles" - a song about suppressing your emotions and cheerily marching to war. Not so surprisingly, one of the gentlemen who wrote the song passed away from suicide. I don't know where I first heard that, but I think about that a lot, about how important it is to express your troubles, and not "pack them up."

    If you don't want to argue with your dads, maybe you can tell them that story, and they'll finally figure it out!
     
    #13 PrettyBoyBlue, Jul 28, 2022
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2022
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  14. chicodeoro

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  15. Rayland

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    Yes. whenever I mock him, then he becomes all pouty and it just makes me feel awful and quilty instead, so it has an opposite effect. I have been telling him something along these lines, but he won't listen.

    Edit: things still come up in conversations and it keeps happening anyway, even if I tell him. No matter what I do, nothing is good enough for him. This is why I'm such a perfectionist and when I fail at things, then I feel bad and quilty about not reaching his expectactions. This is why I feel like I am worthless and always trying to overachieve. This is why I also feel quilty and shamed about my sexual orientation and scared of being judged and riddiculed again by him, if I tell I'm transgender.
     
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  16. Rayland

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    Thank you. He won't listen others either, not even doctors. Only those who are complete strangers sometimes.

    Today I learn something new as well. Thank you.
     
  17. BiGemini87

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    I'm sorry your father is like this. It really doesn't sound like there's much you can do but insolate yourself from his attitude/opinions. I know it might hurt to do this, but you're probably better off not talking to him about anything personal. Perhaps if he notices you pulling back--and thus, away from him and whatever relationship you two share--it will give him pause. Conversely though, he might not exhibit any sign that he's felt/noticed this (though he likely will notice), which might prove more hurtful to you.

    How close are you two? If you no longer live under his roof, then there really isn't much he can do to stop you from doing what you need to do. Seeking professional help isn't something that should be mocked, but respected; it's not easy to admit we need help, especially when raised by people who push that vulnerability out of us from a young age.
     
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  18. Rayland

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    Thank you. Yeah, I agree, that I can't really do here much. I still live with my parents and sister. I'm also helping them out at home, since they do have a bit of a disabilities, same with my sister, that don't allow them to work. I'm just on the road of trying to cain more and more independence. I'm only one in the family actually working and studying. Many times though I just feel like home is more of a prison, since they are also very overprotective. My dad always calls me, if I stay out late and he says, that he can't sleep otherwise, if he don't know, where I am. I've been trying to tell him how weird it is for me, when I'm with my friends. I tell him that I have a life outside of my home too. I'm trying not to pay too much attention to anything he says, but still these things get to me sometimes.

    I doubt he will notice that I stay away, even if I could, since he is quite thick sculled too. When I was little I was sick all the time and basically lived at the hospital, this is how many times I was there, so this might be where the overproctectivness comes from.

    I really do love my family with all of my heart and do anything for them, but things just get overwhelming at times. I used to tell them everything, but not anymore and they have even accused me of keeping secrets, so I eventually gave and told them about seeing a psychiatrist, but this was beneficial, since now I can get help freely, without lying and trying to fit it in my schedule, so my parents wouldn't suspect anything, what was a headache.
     
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  19. chicodeoro

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    Yup, same with my father. Same with my late partner's father. What is it about men of a certain generation? My theory is (whether consciously or unconsciously) they can't cope with the shifting times in which men like them don't hold all the power in society and are thus clinging onto it in their own family groupings; being stingy with praise is one way to maintain their own top dog status within their own family.

    One thing you won't be able to do is change them. You just have to find a level of independence and a way to co-exist with them.

    Beth
     
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  20. PrettyBoyBlue

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    Thank you for sharing this Rayland... very sorry to hear this. It definitely sheds more light on your situation though. I think sometimes the thing that hurts the most in families is when there is a "mismatch of caring." When one person cares more than another. And sometimes they do care, but they express it in ways that are unhealthy, like your dad.
     
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