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Gender confusion

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Rayland, Jul 21, 2022.

  1. Rayland

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    I wanted to write this to clear my head and maybe someone have advice for me.

    1. I wrote a post before how I kept doubting about being transgender and thinking, if I'm transgender at all. I'm something, but haven't fully figured it all out or just trying to deny myself, because of my conservative environment. When I look all of the definitions, then the terms that seem to describe me a bit better are either non-binary, genderqueer or genderless. I know that you don't need labels, but it's important to me.
    2. I'm comfortable with he/him pronouns and like my male name.
    3. I don't dislike many feminine things, like clothes, makeup, cute things, but also like many male things. Stuff don't have gender and they don't define you, but it's still an important fact.
    4. I don't dislike all of my female body parts, just the breast area and this is what usually causes me dysphoria, but also there have been times, when my voice and feminine features cause me dysphoria. Sometimes I think I would like having male parts and it feels like something is missing, but it don't cause me any dysphoria. This is what confuses me too.
    5. I like the idea of being genderless or genderqueer. My teacher at school always said on how in our profession we don't see people's gender and that we are also genderless and that idea has stuck with me.

    So you see, where all the confusion comes from. It's frustrating to keep being confused or maybe it's all really just denial and I keep wanting, that I wouldn't be male, because this is something I never asked for. I'm also thinking, if I would regret any of this in the future. I just wish some clarity.

    I have also run out my anxiety medication, so this influences my thought process and posts, just a heads up. I keep thinking about worst cause scenarios.
     
  2. TrueSpirit

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    Hi Rayland,
    I understand that anxiety influences your thoughts. It does for me too. With that said, it is okay to feel different each day. There are no rights or wrongs. Everyday we have different feelings, moods, and experiences that shape how we feel outwardly. If today you feel female and tomorrow male, and the next genderless, that is okay. I, personally, don't see anything wrong with it. I am more masculine and don't really enjoy feminine things like clothing, make-up, and other similar girlie things. I wanted to get rid of all my girlie stuff since I don't like it but my husband insisted I keep it because one day I may want to just be feminine for the day. That day hasn't come but I know that it is okay to just be me. If you are confused about surgery or hormones, I'd suggest waiting until you feel more sure of your decision. Maybe create a pros and cons list and review it everyday?
    Hope this helps.
     
  3. Rayland

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    Hi @TrueSpirit

    The one thing that makes me feel very frustrated is this constant shifting, like one day I want to be or wish to be really feminine and everything and other times I just feel very masculine. Like I can't be stuck with one gender and this is what I want. I want to just feel like my birth gender or be just born as male. I know it's all okay to feel like this and express yourself according to your mood. It's all just so confusing and frustrating and here I thought I had it all already figured out. :frowning2: No clue why just writing this makes me so emotional. Feel like crying.
     
  4. Utachiyo

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    I remember reading your previous posts and I think we're fairly similar. I definitely wish I'd been born male, but I've been in this body & life for over 40 years so I don't think I'll ever feel like transitioning 100%. Actually, I'm having top surgery this Friday (scared and stressed!!) but I'm not on any hormones. I would say I'm my own original kind of guy! I wear mens clothes and have short hair, but also shave my legs and wear a fake-fur coat in the winter!
    Anyway, I understand how you're feeling and it's OK to just be YOU. I like having a label for myself too. I decided on trans-masculine, which to me means being seen as male but not gender conforming.
     
  5. Rayland

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    I remember you as well. Good luck on the surgery. I'm sure it will be fine. Sending hugs. You got this. And congrats too. I'm a bit scared of surgeries too, since I've never had on in my life, but surgeons are proffessionals and know what they're doing. Hope you keep us updated on how it went, if you want to.

    I don't want to transition 100% either. Just top surgery, if I can afford it, since it is the main reason of my dysphoria and hormones. A friend said that I might be just femine presenting trans male and this made me feel better about this whole situation and it seems like exactly how it is, though I didn't want to admit it, since people judge and riddicule you, what I'm scared of since I already have low self esteem and it can only get worse with that and all the hate comments I stumble upon against this all does not help my fears to go away.
    I shave too, since I have a condition what male hormones cause, that I have hair in places men ususally have. I don't really like the feel of beards or a lot of body hair.
    I wear baggy and comfy clothes usually, but there are times I need to wear dresses. I can't stand tight clothing.
    My profession is mostly female oriented as well.
     
  6. Aeolia

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    take it with a grain of salt, I'm no expert in being a transguy

    A thing I've noticed in my trans friends IRL and with transguys I follow online is that they often end up having their own take on masculinity or don't actually feel the need to go over the top with it.
    I mean they do feel dysphoria and all, but once they're comfortable they don't really overperform or seek conformity to the "transman" label.

    As someone that was born AMAB I gotta say, being "a Man™" is not really the most comfortable thing ever. You do enjoy privileges and all, but it's rather toxic. "Manliness" (as glorified in our societies) clearly ain't anybody's instinct, not even AMABs that were raised as boys
    Even with cisdudes, the ones that are most comfortable with themselves are the ones that don't go all the way into performing masculinity and allow themselves to enjoy things that are considered "feminine".

    EDIT cause I slipped while typing:
    What's happening to you doesn't seem that rare to me. Maybe you indeed are genderless or nb, what I mean is that if you end up identifying with being a trans man, then your worries and tendencies don't seem outlandish to me.
     
    #6 Aeolia, Jul 24, 2022
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2022
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  7. Rayland

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    I was about to type a comment, because I misunderstood something. Glad I read it through the second time to clarify what you said. :unamused:
    I know it's really not rare, but to me it is something new and caused me to be really emotional and my anxiety and insecurity comes into play here too, but I really do appreciate your insight. Thank you.

    I'm not arguing here who has it toughest. We all have our own paths and expectations. Just wanted to explain, what thoughts I've had about it. It's not all fun and games being born as AFAB either, especially when in a conservative country, where people value traditional views, despite being also the most atheist country.
    You need to be classy, pretty and be feminine, if you dress more masculine, then you're looked at, like a circus act, at least in my family.
    You need to contribute to society and give birth to children, no matter when you say you have no money to take care of them or are not mentally well for it or want to focus on career. I don't even have a partner and get asked, so when you're going to have children and the answer is NEVER and people don't get that. I surely want them in the future. I want to dress how I want to and express myself how I want to, but something is always on the way. I'm either getting ridiculed for my choices or told off. I'm learning on how to stand up for myself, since I'm shy and have low self esteem. There are still also professions here, where woman in the same position as a man gets payed less.

    The pressure of society for women is too much for me, since I'm not female to begin with. To me it all started with a feeling of euphoria when I imagined myself as a guy. It was like all the clouds lifted and sunshine came finally out. I traced my experiences back to kindergarten and all of the puzzle pieces lifted back into their rightful place. When looking into the mirror I saw through my eyes, like my soul is trapped inside this female shell. There is this wall in front of me, what I can't destroy.

    The fact what tore me apart was that I still love all the feminine stuff and am okay presenting sometimes feminine, while being a man. I guess this is what cis men are going through as well, when they want to express their femininity, but feel shame for it, since it's not seen as being manly? Sorry if I make no sense.
     
  8. Aeolia

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    That was my point. I didn't mean to make it sound like I was saying "urrrh guys have it so much worse" but more that basically (there might some rare cases) nobody is gonna feel fulfilled by sticking to gender conformity. And that a guy wanting to be feminine from time to time is something way more common that one would think. Maybe you're a guy that wants to be feminine but is still not at peace this side of their personality. Maybe you're neither a guy nor a gal and what you actually want is control over or fluidity in the way you're presenting yourself.
    Either way, while it clearly isn't comfortable not to know what you're feeling, I just wanted to remind you that there is no contradiction in what you're saying.

    I hope I'm not being too cryptic, much strength to you
     
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  9. Rayland

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    No you're not. I understand perfectly. Thank you.
     
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  10. Utachiyo

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    My surgery was postponed due to Covid!! They called me on Monday. I've been working so hard to prepare, made sure I had care for my daughter, rearranged the house... Now, they're trying to see if I can be fit in for December... But if that doesn't work out, then it's next March.
     
  11. Rayland

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    I'm sorry it got postponed. It must be very frustrating, especially since you were prepared for it. Sending hugs and fingers crossed December works out.
     
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