So where do I begin. I am 21yo, definitely lesbian. I am studying university in another city far away from home. I had a girlfriend for a few months, we broke up (not important in this story). But right now I got back home after exam season. So naturaly I talk more with parents when I am back at home. My mum was curious, why I dont have a boyfriend and if I am just studying all the time. I get it, in her perspective I am just studying all the time, because that is what I talk about. So when she started asking, I told her, I just broke up with someone. After that she started asking more about this with he/him pronouns of course. I got really uncomfortable and nervous, because it was a girl. I felt like I was lying. So after that I told myself, I am going to tell her. I said to her: "count to ten before you answer. I dated a girl, just so you know" I was procrastinating my coming out for 5 years at least. It is hard for me to talk about this stuff, because I am the "perfect" daughter. Never did drugs or did bad at school. When I told her she just got quiet for like 5 minutes. Then she said it is her punishment, our family line is ending (i have brother and who says that I will not have children), that I dint try hard enough to date men/boys (I did, it was terrible). Now I feel like the biggest disapointment. I didn´t expect it. All my friends were fine, I just heard about people being homobhobic never happened to me. I througt that I accepted myself but now I feel like I did the biggest mistake by coming out to my parents (she probably told my dad). It is the worst day in my life and I ruined my holidays, because now I feel like shit. We have quiet household now. Today I was walking dog for 3 hours. I am spending time with my friends and wish that this horor holidays finally end so could go back to studying in another city. I am a little angry at my mom, she could display some sings of homophobia before, then I would never have said anything. And it would be just a bit uncomfortable, not this. What was I thinking? What should I do?
UPDATE: so after I got back from my walk. Immediately my mum took the dog and also went for a walk. She got back after 3 hours (our dog will be really tired after today). It seems to be better. So I guess It will turn out OK. But I really wasn´t expecting it to be that bad at first. Somehow I convinced myself that it will be fine, it wasnt but it will be with time.
I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds like your mum is conflicted, that she loves you a lot but she also has some quite old fashioned views. It's good your friends are supportive. I think most people in their 20s like us would be. Luckily my parents are supportive, but there are definitely members of my family who are homophones who I avoid talking about my personal life with at all costs. And even though my parents accept me as gay, they have heavily disapproved of some of my relationships and tend to see the world of dating in a very heteronormative way. I'm sorry, I'm going a bit off topic here in talking about myself. It was brave of you to be true to yourself and open up to your mum like this. Hopefully other people answer who can help you better than I can, and maybe take what I say with a pinch of salt. But maybe give your mum some time to process and see if she comes to you to ask questions. Maybe she just doesn't understand, she has a certain worldview and this has altered it a bit. But that doesn't mean she doesn't still love and care for you as her daughter. Please keep us updated and reach out for support as much as you like.
Forgive my spelling sorry! I made one or two mistakes, I have clumsy fingers and typed my answer on my mobile. But hopefully what I've said still makes sense
To start off I want to say that you took big step and that was really brave of you. Telling your truth is never a bad thing, and you feeling that this was the worst day of your life won’t last forever as you seam to have noticed. I know how it feels when people you are close to talk abut what they imagine for your life when they don’t know your truth, I can very much relate to feeling like you are lying and feeling bad about it. If you wouldn’t have done what you did who knows how long you would have to feel that way when talking to your mum about that stuff. When I was in highschool I had a crush on this guy and the feeling almost swallowed me whole because I had no-one to talk to about it. I am sorry about her initial reaction but all you can control is you after all. I agree with Cinnamoon because after all you have had a long time to process your sexuality but your mum have not. Maybe she will feel different about it in the future, but even if she doesn’t I am really proud of you. It it feels bad I would say that keeping close to the people who do get you and fully accept you, like your friends, is the best thing to do. You say that you thought that you accepted yourself and I am sorry if I am misunderstanding you but it seams like what happened made you unsure about that. I feel like there are many different layers of accepting yourself and off course navigating your identity and your relationship with your family may feel different than your relationship to other people but don’t get too hard on yourself about this. I wish you the best! (Ps: R.I.P. your dog lol)
Thank you for the reaction Thank you for answering. It is true that it will change with time but right now it’s not that great. Yesterday my mum looked fine for a while then she started crying, that she won’t have grandchildren (I still don’t get why, like literally a have a brother and who says I won’t have children) That is what I told her but then she asked how, I have no idea ♀️ to be honest, but in our country it is possible. I am 21yo student, I don’t want to even think about children yet (I dont even like them). Then she said I will end up alone, because my hypothetical girlfriend will leave me for a man. It could happen, but the probability isn’t that high. It is just hard to listen to this stuff because I don’t feel that great after breakup. It is like she talks about the worst possible scenarios that could happen because of me being not straight. I don’t have the energy to explain everything. She literally asked me what will I do when Russia attacks our country (because they are homophobic barbarians), it is possible we are not that far from Ukraine, but I never through about it. then she said I shouldn’t be out to everyone I don’t even remember why. Like why?? Is this happening to me?? Now I am really starting to think that will end up alone and Russia will destroy our country. It is stupid but possible. At least I have friends to talk to because otherwise It would drive me insane. It does when I am at home. I am a little disappointed with myself that I am not handling it better.
the part about me accepting myself is about me not handeling it well because my mom just awakens new fears about being gay I never thought about. The biggest that I will end up alone. It could happen but she says it like that’s what I told her, not that I am into women but that I will be alone for the rest of my life. Then I told her that I will find someone (not a man), she just acts like it is worse than being alone. It is hard to deal with this.
Hey I am sorry that you are going through a tough time. I agree that I think your Mum will come around in time. I know it is tempting to regret the coming out but try not to be hard on yourself, you havent done anything wrong your Mum is just working through her own feelings and stuff in relation to your sexuality. Ultimately you are gay and you know that, it almost certainly isnt what you Mum was dreaming of for your future but in time I am sure she will see that it doesnt mean you will be alone or that you wont have kids, (not that it is something you need to worry about right now anyway). Even if you were straight you might not have kids. In time I think you will be glad that you did it now even though right now it might feel horrible. I think just trying to act as normally as you can around your Mum is best and perhaps let her know if she has any questions she can ask (if that is something you feel comfortable with).
From your mums perspective it seams like she wants to protect you and thinks that what she is doing is the best thing to do. It also seams like she is mourning the idea of you she had in her mind, but this could very well like the others have said just be a part of something she has to go through and she might just need time. You have just shared something very personal and showed incredible trust in doing so I am still very proud of you and encourage you to not be hard on yourself. I am sorry that you have to go through this and especially now when you where already not feeling well after the breakup, but I believe that things will get better for you.
I'm sorry it didn't go over well when you told her. You mustn't blame yourself for thinking you could tell her; when you have an otherwise good relationship with someone, it's only natural to want to trust them with something that personal, especially a parent. I'm sure it just came as a bit of a shock to her. Perhaps with time, she'll come around and realize it wasn't fair or right to say the things she said to you. Hopefully you two will have another opportunity to talk about things without judgment on her end and you'll be able to help her see things from your perspective.
