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"Private" vs Public sexuality question

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Searching2022, Jul 2, 2022.

  1. Searching2022

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    Hi,
    I am new here but have been lurking for awhile. I have read quiet a stories similar to mine but never exact. one thread that struck me was 'home' vs. public sexuality - and it seems many people have similar stories but the thing is that I feel 'sexual' interest publicly about women.

    Outside: I always look at women, and find them not just beautiful but want to touch them in sexual ways. I don't an erection but I do get excited. (can this be ED? ).

    Home: intense fantasies about gay sex. Sometimes less intense ones about women. The women tend to be real people the men are 'abstract'.

    Outside: I don't find men attractive at all, I don't really 'look' and have never had a gut reaction about wanting to touch a man sexually, like I do about women. In fact the idea seems a little gross when I am outside but if I see an attractive women I never feel bad about wanting her sexually but after fantasizing about men I do - not guilt or shame as much "that was weird' like its just something the bubbled up out of nowhere.

    It feels like 'gay' fantasies are blocking my natural desire for a woman. Is that possible or is it something else?
    It seems like there are two 'me's.
     
  2. Me2b

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    Perhaps at home you subconsciously feel safer to consider alternatives such as the possibility that you are attracted to men... possibly even very attracted men, ant least their (and your!) physically attributes, at least in fantasy. MANY a man is, so attracted.
    Your challenge, it seems, might be to accept that possibility in you.
     
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  3. Searching2022

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    But how does that explain wanting to touch women sexually outside- but blocked at home?
    If I have the 'real' choice in front of me I am always interested in looking at the woman.
     
  4. Searching2022

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    But how does that explain wanting to touch women sexually outside- but blocked at home?
    If I have the 'real' choice in front of me I am always interested in looking at the woman.
     
  5. BiGemini87

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    I can't say for certain, but I'm inclined to think @Me2b is on the right track: at home, you're free to relax, to be more vulnerable and thus more true to yourself. The blockage you feel regarding women at these times might be something of what I call the "backlog effect". To make a long story short: someone who's denied their same-sex attraction starts acknowledging that it's there, even if only subconsciously. Because they've been repressing these feelings/attractions for so long, there's a build up--picture a dam, if you will. Once they start acknowledging these feelings, they may experience a trickle, but more often than not, the "dam" completely cracks. What happens if a dam breaks altogether? There's a flood.

    That may be what you're experiencing--a surge of desire towards men in the privacy and safety of your own home that's so intense after years of repressing it, it overshadows your desire for women. This isn't an uncommon thing to experience; many bisexuals who come out later in life experience this (I'm one of them). Likewise, many Lesbians and gay men experience this too, and once they accept their same-sex attraction, realize that their attraction to the opposite sex never really existed.

    I won't presume to say whether you're bisexual or gay; that's something you must work out for yourself. All I can tell you is my impression of what you're experiencing. I don't doubt your attraction to women, either; it's just possible that in public that's what you focus on as to appear "normal" to the outside world. Or perhaps you're not attracted to men at all (or at least, haven't come across one that makes you feel the way women do). It could very well be that you're almost entirely straight, and that the occasional man (even if you have yet to find them) is the exception to the rule.

    All I can recommend is that you reflect on what you're feeling as honestly as possible. Only when we're honest with ourselves can we grow.
     
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  6. Chip

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    I'm with BiGemini.

    This sounds like someone where there is a struggle between unconscious and conscious. Unconscious knows what it knows -- that there's same sex attrction -- but conscious isn't ready to accept that.

    If you are regularly masturbating to gay fantasies, they are arousing, and you find they are more arousing than fantasies about women... well, again, that's your unconscious, and it is almost always an accurate reflection of where your hardwired orientation is.

    What's going on outside the house is a lot more likely to be a shame-based response: Conscious mind is not yet ready to acknowledge same-sex attraction, so it's throwing up these responses of what you believe you should want rather than what you actually feel.

    When we begin to come to terms with the idea that we might be something other than straight, there are stages we typically go through as we confront and let go of (any) loss, in this case, the loss of identity as straight: denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance. The stages can take anywhere from minutes to months and even longer, and are not necessarily sequential. This may be what's going on for you now; a combination of denial (the behavior outside the house) and bargaining (OK, I feel one way inside and another way outside, so that means I can still be straight.)

    I am not saying you are gay or even bi... only you can figure that out. What I am saying is that what you describe fits the pattern that many others have been through.
     
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  7. Searching2022

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    But it doesn't feel like my true self it feels like something 'taking over'.
    I guess this could be the 'taking over' feeling I was describing.
    But outside my desire for women is 100%, so isn't it possible to say the reverse too?
    But I am talking about TOTALLY inside my head- outside, I am always looking at beautiful women even alone and unconsciously. I become very excited when I look a woman with a nice butt. I really want to touch them physically.


    Thanks. It feels so muddled and confusing. Even if I didn't want to be gay, clear signals outside would at least end the confusion.
     
  8. Searching2022

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    But both feel 'natural' and unconscious.
    But I have never seen a guy in the real world I am attracted to.

    But outside my 'fantasies' and attraction is very strong for women. I want to touch them. I get super excited when I see a hot woman. If I was 'eh' then yeah I could see how I was trying to fool myself.

    But I am not doing it to 'impress' anyone. I am not saying to a friend 'oh look at that woman with a nice ass" [that proves i am straight!]. It feels very natural and unconscious.

    I have read around here a little I do see people who say they only feel this way in private but the ones I have seen don't have this pattern.
     
  9. silverhalo

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    Do you ever look at guys when you are out and about? I know you say you dont find them attractive but is that in a they dont catch your eye like the women kind of way?
     
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  10. Robyn mac

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    I am gay and proud of it. When I did have a girlfriend even she could acknowledge an attractive woman. She had no bi genes in her at all. Me I finally admitted I was at least bi. When we went out we both be looking at men and pointing them out to each other.
     
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  11. Chip

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    I really can't help you more than I've said. I think if you reread what I said above, you'll find the answer there. Really nothing more I can say.
     
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  12. Searching2022

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    But did you find women attractive?

    That's the problem. I can definitely tell you if a guy is good looking but if I never have a desire to be sexual with them where with women I want to touch them sexually

    Ok thanks. Since i first wrote the above post I do feel a little weirdly indifferent to looking at women outside, like I look at them and it does nothing for me, but still when I see one with a really nice rear I do want to get aroused...
     
  13. Robyn mac

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    Searching2022 as I don't desire to be with a woman I can reconize a very attractive woman.It mostly has to do with clothing fashion.and posture. No she will do nothing for me as she does'nt have the correct anatomy.
     
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  14. Searching2022

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    Ok but you said you had a girlfriend, right?
     
  15. Searching2022

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    So how do people 'figure it out'
     
  16. Robyn mac

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    Reread my post . I said when I did have a girlfriend. She had passed away a few years ago from covid when it 1st came out. Since her passing I have comeout as gay. When I was with her I came out as bi. We had our fun with it. But since then the was the mourning period and when I was ready to date I am gay. I have to be true to me.
     
  17. Robyn mac

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    So Searching why are you questioning your sexuality? Is there a spell check button up there? Did you experiment? To much gay porn?
    I was lucky enough that my gf let me explore it with a friend of hers. Changed my life forever.
     
  18. Chip

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    By doing exactly what you're doing... asking questions, thinking, talking about it. If you reread what I said, it's basically saying the evidence is pointing in the direction that you are gay, or at least have a strong attraction toward guys, and your conscious mind is likely getting in the way.

    This is something that takes time for most folks, because it involves changing a fundamental belief we've held about ourselves. If you want to explore it further, you might try venturing out in the world for a day or two and imagining that you've fully accepted that you're gay... look at guys. Imagine what it would be like, while out wandering around, if you were dating a guy. Which guy would you want to date? Masturbating at home (without porn) imagine what it would be like if you had a guy that truly loved you and was super into you.

    You can then try the same experiment assuming you are totally straight.

    Usually, when you explore that thought experiment, the answer starts to get clear.

    Sometimes, if the answer is clear, it's an answer you don't want, and that makes you feel anxious, or sad, or angry. All of that is pretty common, and doesn't mean you are straight... it means you're in the process of accepting something and it's changing a fundamental belief about yourself, which is never easy.

    And if the answer isn't clear, then just give it time. Keep talking about it. Be patient.
     
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  19. silverhalo

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    For the red bit of your post, you dont have immediately imagine having sex with a guy to be attracted to him. I am a gay female but I dont and have never imagined having sex with attractive women ive seen walking down the street.

    For the blue bit I think the key is you want to get aroused. Your conscious brain is telling you should get aroused but getting aroused isnt usually something you have to actively think you want to in order to do, if that makes sense.
     
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  20. Searching2022

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    I have to admit when I read this my heart started beating quickly and my mouth became dry - a strange feeling of fear and thrill and joy all at the same time..

    My reaction is, I don't think I am gay... then I read this...:
    and I guess that describes how I am feeling now.

    I have always just had fantasies, I have never thought about love or even a guy being into me...but even thinking about it I am a little thunderstruck.
     
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  21. Searching2022

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    I guess, come to think of it when I do fantasize it is about guys I have seen, but its only a few, where I see lots of pretty women every day I would like to touch..

    I definitely do but I feel like something is blocking me when I am home and I think about them (women)