I came out to my son today. It went very well and as expected … he’s happy for me, but otherwise unconcerned. His only question was, “is it ok if I still call you Dad?”. I felt wonderful and incredibly free for a few hours … It was later this afternoon that the problems started. This is my first time coming out and I I didn’t think to ask him not to tell others and he innocently told his mom (my ex) (overheard part of their conversation and he just saw it as happy news worth sharing). I got an email … she has told me in no uncertain terms that she will be telling her family (i don’t care) and a number of our mutual friends (I do care). I got angry and responded that if she does I will be informing everybody she never paid child support (she left to be with another person and our kids stayed with me. She moved to another country and was supposed to pay support but she refused and it was impossible to enforce). I know it’s something she doesn’t want known and when I wrote it I felt it would be enough to keep her at bay, at least until I can come out myself. Now, I feel like an assh*le for even threatening it, though … I just reacted out of frustration, fear and anger. But, I believe two wrongs don’t make a right. I don’t believe in public shaming and know I never will participate in it. Unfortunately my ex likely knows that too. I’m still shaking and crying - and not thinking clearly. Hysterical is not a strong enough word for where my head is at. Any advice is appreciated. TIA.
First off, congratulations on coming out to your son! It's wonderful that your son is supportive and everything turned out the way you had hopped. It's okay to feel the frustration and anger you are feeling. If I were in your position, I probably would feel similarly. It isn't great that your ex-wife has decided to take the course that she mentioned - it isn't fair to you for her to be telling other people. Her threats/possible actions say more about her, than they do about you. It is possible that some of your mutual friends might not appreciate your ex-wife's efforts to out you - karma has a way of coming back to people. As you continue coming out, you will find that others might let it slip or might make an innocent comment without realising they are outing you. Unfortunately, you can't control what others do, what they say, or how they will react. What you can control is how you react and respond to someone who might approach you afterwards. If you respond with confidence and don't make being gender-queer a big deal (even though it's big deal to you and important), chances are things are going to be okay. If you lose a friend as a result, than the next question for you to think about is: how good of a friend were they in the first place? Spend time with your son, do something together even if it is just watching a show or a movie. You have your biggest and most important supporter right with you. At the end of the day, what your ex-wife does, doesn't count even though it might not feel like it, at the moment. You have started to live your life with the support you had hoped. That counts. (*hug*)
A day of inner turmoil later … thanks Mirko - your we’re right. I had a friend reach out, and apparently the relevant part of their conversation went something like this: Ex: did you hear about P…? he’s transsexual. Friend: what the f*ck are you doing? That’s none of your business to say. Hang up and think about what you’re doing … it’s all kinds of wrong. He then contacted me and told me just this. Expressed how sorry he was to have to make the call and how disgusted he was with my ex. But, that he had my back and was there when or if I ever wanted to talk. Then just chatted like we normally would. my heart was lifted. I really try not to stress about things outside my control. But this had me breaking down. A day later and it feels almost like a blessing in disguise (almost - let’s not get carried away ).
It's good to hear that both your son and this one friend are so supportive of your coming out--that's a huge accomplishment, really. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to worry too much about what your ex may say or do next; "we cannot control the wind, but we can adjust our sails"--that's a phrase that's helped me through times of feeling helpless, and I think it applies, here. Like Mirko said, you can't control others actions or words, but you can control how you act/react to those things. Maybe, however difficult it might be, you can elect not to react to your ex at all. It's okay that you experienced frustration and had your moment of retaliation--most anyone would do the same. But I think now that you know the kinds of petty threats she's capable of, you're best bet is to make it appear as though you couldn't care less who she tells (might even be that you find yourself genuinely no longer caring the more you put this into practice). One of two things is going to happen: she's either going to continue to get unfavourable responses from your mutual friends and thus, give up on telling others, or she's going to get bored when she realizes her threat has no power over you. Either way is good news for you. Of course, it's possible someone will side with her--but largely, I don't think this will be the case.
