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All in the family …

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Unidentified, Jun 25, 2022.

  1. Unidentified

    Regular Member

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    He
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    Straight but curious
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    Not out at all
    Recently I’ve made a decision to change how I present my gender identity to others. I’m still figuring the categories all out, but associate with both genders (genderqueer) - with the balance of weight falling on the female side (born male).

    My ‘dilemma’ (one of many) lies in the fact that my kid (born female) has recently come out as non-binary (27 - & came out as gay at 17). I have seen how supportive my family is - tremendously so - and have little worries in that regard … but I feel, I don’t know, like I’m riding their coat tails. And that feels unfair to their process to have to deal with Dad’s identity when really just sorting their own identity out. As a parent I wish I could have led my kid into this, and not the other way around.

    Can anybody else relate to this? (Family or friends coming out at a similar time) And can you share issues that arose you didn’t consider?
     
  2. bsg75apollo

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    Out to everyone
    Several years ago, my daughter came out as bisexual. At the time, I felt like a coward for not saying anything about myself. But, as she was not having issues of self-acceptance, the point was moot. When I came out, it actually ended up being a non-issue with my kids. In fact, my son didn't even understand why I felt the need to say anything at all. When I told my daughter, so came out as gender fluid. It was kind of a non-issue for her as well
     
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  3. Unidentified

    Regular Member

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    thanks. That’s comforting. I imagine my non-binary kid (still getting used to not saying ‘daughter’) will be one of my biggest supporters, and I know my son (24) won’t care either way - he will see no change - just me being me and possibly wearing different clothes. I can relate to what you say about feeling like a coward though. I’ve never really hid my gender fluidity - even used that term for the past 20+ years, long before I ever heard it anywhere else - but I’ve never really expressed to people how much that leans towards the female for me (once to my dad, who was very accepting - but his memory is fading and he does not seem to remember). I think a part of me is trying to find any excuse to procrastinate on this, even though I’ve made up my mind not to any longer.

    It’s funny, I am a true introvert in almost every aspect of my life, and quite comfortable in that isolation … but so much of the comfort in this journey comes from realizing I’m not alone. Thanks again - your insight helped confirm for me what I guess I already know will be ok.
     
  4. bsg75apollo

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    If it is any extra comfort, I am also a big time introvert and I lean to the gay side much more, to the point I question whether or not the scale tips all the way over.
     
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  5. quebec

    Moderator Full Member

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    Unidentified.....I came out gay here on Empty Closets in December of 2014. I live in a small, very conservative town and am very well known so I chose to stay very much stealth. My family belongs to a very conservative evangelical church in which I am very involved, so again...staying under the radar was pretty important. At first I wasn't going to tell anyone in my family, but about a year and a half after coming out, with guidance from my therapist I came out to my wife. It was really difficult but we have chosen to stay together as I made wedding vows that I have kept and intend to continue keeping. We haven't been intimate for some time due to health issues for both of us, so this issue didn't not cause a problem. I have three grown sons and decided not to tell them unless there was a reason. In 2016 I was faced with a surgery that had a significant chance of being unsuccessful. In addition to making sure my oldest son had all the information he needed in case things did not go well so he could care for his mother. I also chose to come out to him. I wanted him to know from me, not from his mother and I didn't want it to be a secret. This year, on my birthday, my middle son asked to talk to me privately. He had a hard time trying to get out what he wanted to say. He finally managed to say that he was pansexual. This was a hard thing for him to say to his father, who is a deacon and secretary of the church that he was raised in. While he was speaking I was considering if this was the time to come out as gay to him? I think this is where my story and your post start to come together! I was thinking...if I come out to him now will I just be "one-upmanshiping" him? Will I be making the very difficult experience that he has just gone through seem less important? Then I realized that this was also a moment that would allow us to come closer to each other than we had ever been before. So I gave him a big hug and told him that I loved him no matter what his sexual orientation was, that he was still my son and that would never change. We shed a few tears and then I told him that I wanted to share something with him and I came out to him. It was a tremendously emotional moment full of hugs and tears and a little laughter. And I have to say probably the biggest surprised look on anyone's face that I have ever seen! :old_big_grin: As it turns out,I am very glad that I took that moment to tell him. I'm also glad that I didn't just jump right into; "I'm gay" when he finished. I gave him some time to "catch his breath" and to tell him how much I loved him and that being pansexual made no difference in our relationship. I gave him sometime to deal with the reaction to his revelation before I went on to mine. I think that's important...give them some time of their own before you go on to your disclosure. Then it won't feel like you are trying to outdo them. Hope this helps...and I hope you and your child have a wonderful relationship!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #5 quebec, Jun 25, 2022
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2022
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  6. BradThePug

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    I never knew it until I came out, but there was another trans person in my family. She transitioned from male to female. So, many in my family were cool with me because they were better able to understand. I think that sometimes seeing others express themselves and how they feel and how others react can make coming out more comfortable. If you are concerned about the feeling that you are following them, you can always have a conversation with them and explain how you were having the same feelings but was not ready to come out to others.
     
  7. Redmelon

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    I always knew I was bisexual from a young age, but I married my first serious boyfriend and had 4 kids. Religious background, teenage teasing, homophobic husband, in a bad marriage and fear kept me from thinking too deeply and I ignored it. I never intended to say anything until my daughter came out to me nearly five years ago when she was 17. She sat there shaking, no eye contact and hunched over. I smiled at her gave her a hug and said that there was nothing wrong with being a Lesbian, and who she liked didn't change her as a person, she was still my daughter. She was stunned and asked how I could be so calm and accepting considering how her father was and that we regularly went to church. So I told her about my rubbish dating history, my crush history and especially about my best friend at uni. We shared a bed as I stayed over one night and all I could think about was touching her and kissing her and being together. I didn't sleep that night, I just cried silently and never told her how I felt. Needless to say my daughter was shocked, she hadn't seen that coming. She cried, I cried, I met her girlfriend, then we got on with life. I put it all to the back of my mind until the pandemic and I began to think about it more and more and finally before I tore my hair out with frustration I found EC and was ready to face my bisexuality again.