Your AHA! Moment

Buying sex toys can certainly be embarrassing but there should be nothing embarrassing about being gay or that you like dildos. I like them them, too and they can be enjoyed by straight men and women as well as gay and lesbian people. Of course if you’re thinking of a hot guy like I do when I use one you might be gay like me.

 

That was one of my signs. I've used one occasionally for a long time and at some point I noticed I wasn't just enjoying the sensations but was actively fantasizing about a man while I was using it.

 

@Gay Brett - I love this post and I hope to get to the point where I'm turned by a guy's traits other than physical.

 

This is true. At first I just liked playing with my ass but over time I began to think of guys while I was doing it. Now I tend to think of a friend of mine that I’d like to have sex with.

 

Defining an aha moment is near impossible for me. My coming to terms with my bisexuality is a tad darker, or should I say started from a very dark time. I have always, since puberty been turned on by both female and males. My first jerk off fantasies involved both boys and girls, though usually never at the same time. You know that innocent clueless time when you are discovering masturbation and get off just thinking of touching someone in an indescriptive way because you still don't REALLY know any naughty way to touch someone yet. Those always involved either boys or girls I knew. My denial started as I got older and knew the boy attraction was wrong (internal homophobia), I convinced myself it was a phase. As I got older, I never accepted it, just suppressed it, hid it and was embarrassed by it. Again thinking it is something wrong with me, even though I accepted it of others. I didn't accept me.

A year ago, I was in a very dark time. I recently lost my last parent, my Mom, my wife's and my relationship was struggling. I had been more of a caretaker to her because of medical issues that ruined any sex drive she had and drove me away from her in any intimate way. Between my struggles with all the shit in my life, my loss, my guilt about my attraction to men (which was magnified due to the lack of physical intimacy in my marriage), and some PTSD issues I didn't realize I had from my time in the service I contemplated the unthinkable. Scared the living shit out of me, so I reached out to a Veteran Hotline. Saved my life and woke me up to the things that I could change and the things that I could not. One of the things I could change was accepting me, for ME! I allowed myself to like who and what I liked. That was my aha moment, if you will. That relief of at least one thing that I could control. I started to heal part of me and am better for it. My wife and I are also in counseling and improving our relationship that has needed improving for a long time, but has not out of my overprotective nature toward her. I also see a counselor for all the other things that are not good for me, including the PTSD.

Long story short, I am out to my wife, my son and a few people, but most importantly I am out to ME.

This is the same for me. Since I am also now out to my wife and we are getting used to our new (and improved) relationship, there has also been another twist in this same area. She points out attractive men to me now and wants me to do the same. LMAO This is one aspect I never in my wildest dreams thought would happen.

 

I can relate, on both a sexuality and gender front. I remembered another aha moment of being trans a couple days ago actually. I could list them but it'd take a minute.

And I'm glad you're still with us and things are improving.

 

It is very informative to read how so many of us have different experiences in recognizing our sexuality.

For me it was an evolutionary process rather than an Ah ha moment. I fooled around with both guys and gals when I was in high school and college. I was attracted to females and understood that homosexuality was really a guy that acted like a woman. This was the late seventies. So, the stuff my friends and I did (touching and "relieving" each other) meant nothing. We'd talk about hot girls we knew when we did it. So...not the least bit gay. It wasn't until one day I met this really hot guy and he noticed my attraction and told me he was bisexual (he had a stunning girlfriend). The whole idea a guy like him could have both men and women just really seemed so cool. But, I didn't take him up on his offer to join him. I guess I was scared.

Then I met a guy out of college who I was really into in an emotional way...I never had a sexual fantasy about him but I did tell him I was bisexual. He eventually introduced me to his sister who I was very attracted to and we eventually married. It is so odd that I found both of them so desirable. I didn't even understand that I really loved him until he was killed by a drunk a year ago and I just cannot get over him. Its only now that I realize that I can be seriously in love with a person regardless of their sex.

The evolution went from me believing that homosexual thoughts were a sin, to they meant nothing, to they were a kink, to they are my sexuality, to now believing they are a gift. I cannot imagine a life where I did not know what it was like to love a man and love a woman. I would not give that up for anything.

 

This thread is very interesting. Reading about those different experiences made think of my own. I used to have crushes on girls and sometimes guys. I didn’t understand it. I thought I must be confused. Or there was something wrong with me. Then I just I thought maybe am just different. I didn’t know that there was such a thing called bisexuality and I didn’t until much later in life. I thought you were either into men only or into women only . And I thought that all the guys who are into men are kind of feminine (no offense to anyone who is and there is nothing wrong with it )And I was not so I was straight. So many things and incidents that I can now see differently. Yeah I fooled around in high school and one time in college. I also remember the same incidents that others mentioned with magazines like playboy and others. Although they were straight magazines. I was embarrassed to buy them at first. The same exact things happened in the same order So am not gonna repeat it. You guys summarized that part very well. And yes I found some of the guys in those magazines attractive. The same for filmed porn. And I remember also fooling around with such magazines with some friend(s) like jerking off and stuff. It was something I guess a lot of guys have had an experience with straight or gay in their teens. I didn’t think anything of it at the time.
But I know that am also a relationship kind of guy. So I kind of believe in monogamy. And being faithful to whom am with at the time. I don’t know if it has to do with hetero normative conditioning or a religious thing. Maybe both. In recent years I feel that I want to experiment more. It’s clear to me that am more in the middle of spectrum than I first thought. But Alas am also married… Conundrum!! Anyway am glad I found this forum to read about experiences of other people and express what I feel and think.

 

I can relate to this kind of thinking a lot. So open minded and free and non judgmental It’s beyond labels, boxes or closets. It shifts the conversation to a whole new level. It’s more about living a life that you want without all the complexities.

 

Am I the only one who's inwardly heard the voice of Alan Partridge when they've seen this thread title over the last month or so?


I'll get me coat...

 

I have had many aha moments in my gay sexual evolution. Ones that stands out are those i uncovered with the help of my excellent therapist. It allowed me to realize that in actuality I was always gay. I remembered having an incredible crush on the boy next door finally acknowledging it was sexual in nature. I think I was about 13. He was all I could think about.

 

Yeah, I'm right there with you, my friend. There is no one "A-ha!" moment, there's just one that matters slightly more than the others. One that tilts your sails in the right direction, but doesn't really point you where exactly you need to go to find what you're after.

For me, my first "A-ha! I must be 'X'" moment came at the age of 14. I was sitting there, rewatching "Hedwig and the Angry Inch," and I saw - through all my programming - how beautiful Hedwig is and how very much I wanted to be like her (y'know... minus the sexual mutilation part...), to look like her, to be out there and strong and brave and proud, despite the years of pain and confusion and uncertainty.

Of course.... upon reflection, Hedwig was the schismatic identity of a gay man who couldn't square with himself, and really problematic, but she also showed me who I was, and - for that - no matter how contrived or problematic she is, she'll always be special to me.

Even if I didn't accept I was trans for another 20 years.

I am a CARNIVAL of bizarre personality traits, I really should be studied...

 

What a great thread. Like some here I only acted on my desire to be sexual with men later in life—around 50–but was aware of the desire probably since my early 20’s. I had an active sex life with women from college forward and then into married life but never felt entirely free or myself with that part of my life. I wish I had been able (willing?) to explore this sense of unease but, well, you know. Aargh.

Thinking about aha moments, I had an experience in my mid-20’s that stuck with me, although I actively ignored it’s meaning. It was 1am or so and my female partner was away for the weekend. I was feeling horny and antsy so I went to a local bookstore to rent some straight porn. I honestly didn’t know the place was a gay cruising spot (really? I think so) but that became clear to me observing a few guys around the store. After buying my magazines I headed for the exit. When I got to the door a guy coming in saw me and held the door open for me. I looked at him to say thanks and he looked straight into my eyes with obvious desire. His gaze caught me off guard and as I walked past him he grazed my ass with his hand. I looked back at him and he returned my look waiting for me. Of course I kept walking to my car leaving him behind but I knew then that I wanted or needed something that guy was offering. One of my aha or “oh shit” moments.

 

Interesting! About 7 years ago I was at the beach and very drunk. I walked home for some reason which was about 4 miles or so. On the way was an adult store but I was very aware of what went on in there. I went into a stall that already had a video playing (gay) and was hard instantly. At this point all I was wearing was a bathing suit. I turned and saw an older guy outside the booth staring at me. I got scared and chickened out. I had forgotten about the whole episode until reading your story. Should have been a larger tip off of how curious I was/am.

 

The first time I knew I wasn't straight...

It was about 17 years ago, I was 48 yrs old. I found myself on a quiet warm beach, relaxing in the sun, alone. A Spanish guy kept walking past and asking me for the time (in Spanish, which I could not understand). For no reason I could understand I started getting aroused, and he noticed and pointed at my dick... I said NO, a few times, but I guess not strongly enough. He sat down beside me, and, er well, 3 or 4 minutes later it was all over, and he walked off.

Hardly an exciting or romantic tale, BUT I really felt the earth move and a landslide happend in my brain. I was high as a kite for days afterwards, and I knew there was something inside me that I simply HAD to look into. What an amazing 17yr journey that has turned out to be!

Nowadays, I look back to my youth and up to that moment on that beach, and can see the signs, but I just wasn't ready back then.

 

“Uncut” has the same effect on me. Happy Pride Month ️‍

 

I knew I was going to end up finding a thread like this at some point.

So, I'll let you all in on a little secret - I like 'em chonky.

I don't know how it happened. I don't know what part of my wiring sends me those signals, but let me tell you, it does not go away. I learned that pretty early on in high school. What I also learned through this initial discovery was that this applied to men and women. This was an absolute atrocity to think about as a God-loving goody-two-shoes Christian boy who was definitely as straight as an arrow (stop laughing). I did everything else right, and I did find busty women in Hollywood... pretty. I could definitely marry one if I met one. But it just wouldn't compare. To divert from that was to disappoint my parents, and all the friends I'd made. But I couldn't totally ignore what was going on. I knew at this point, I was different. I just had to not act on it. Simple.

And then a couple years later down the line, I got curious about gay manga, or more specifically, what a certain word meant. About 10 minutes after that, my body was giving me all sorts of signals that I was familiar with, but this time it wasn't through pictures of naked chubby people. I was getting hard as a highway overpass over drawings of guys getting it on. It was the clearest signal my oblivious self could ever receive that I wasn't straight. I knew then, that the timer was ticking. There was no more excuse. I could accept myself being gay or bi, but the real question became, would my parents?

(spoilers: They were ultimately fine with it)

PS. I just realized this is in the "Later in Life" subforum. Uhhh, make of that what you will?

 

I 'knew' i liked men from an early age. It was then a constant battle of willful ignorance, 'slips' into brief homosexual encounters followed by thinking 'ok, got that out of my system', and desire to make a relationship with a women sustainable. In the face of all this, my desires always returned and deepened. At some point, it occurred to me that in the face of some intense social/personal homophobia that would likely extinguish 'fleeting' thoughts or interests, this wasn't going away so was part of my core. I also had to accept that by not addressing my sexuality in a healthy way, I was damaging all segment so my life such as relationships & professional development. That's where I am now - challenges forming bonds.