Coming Out to Wife advice

Nealg · Jun 9, 2022

CatsAndDogs said: ↑

@Nealg - So, right after my daughter was born 15 years ago, she confronted me about my sexuality. Our intimacy had been waning for a long time prior to that, and she asked if I was gay. Of course at the time, I denied it up and down, and I told her that the reason I was not initiating sex was because of the various marital problems that we had and because of the way I was being treated by her. (That is not altogether untrue). This came up a couple of times later, and I said the same thing. Eventually, we both stopped talking about it and she eventually started sleeping in another room, and we continued to ignore that elephant in the room for many years to come. So, I stand here today not having sex with anyone for the past 15 years. Things became more strained between us, and if we weren't arguing, we just weren't talking at all. I started drinking more heavily, and in hindsight, it was largely because I probably wanted to forget the misery and loneliness that was my life. That mindset started to change last October when I had drinks with a former coworker who is gay and who I realize now, I had a major crush on. So, I began to feel that maybe I could actually come out and maybe it wouldn't be received as badly as I thought. So, I struggled with that angst for a few months and one night this past January after drinking too much, I came out to my wife and daughter. Although my wife was upset with the drinking part, she was more supportive than I could have ever hoped. My wife told me that she came to the conclusion years ago that I was gay, and that she had already grieved over it. So, after all of this bring said, I am so glad that I came out to her (although I regret the way I did it). I say I'm glad because she is now experiencing some relief in that she is no longer blaming herself for the lack of intimacy and that I will start to get to the point that she is, mentally, about our relationship. (Side note - I have since stopped drinking alone at home because I know that the drinking put a major strain on the family in general and, you know, it's generally not a healthy thing to do anyway)
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Wow. That’s a long time ..15 years. My wife and I went 13 months, then broke the streak in February this year. We really have not been getting along especially in the past few years.. She’s been very dismissive and downright mean towards me and has threatened divorce on multiple occasions during typical meltdowns she has. So I’m afraid coming out to her would not be a good idea at this time. One of my fantasies though is walking in on me making wild passionate gay love and not stopping while she just stands there speechless. Weird I know.

hopefulB · Jun 9, 2022

Nealg said: ↑

Wow. That’s a long time ..15 years. My wife and I went 13 months, then broke the streak in February this year. We really have not been getting along especially in the past few years.. She’s been very dismissive and downright mean towards me and has threatened divorce on multiple occasions during typical meltdowns she has. So I’m afraid coming out to her would not be a good idea at this time. One of my fantasies though is walking in on me making wild passionate gay love and not stopping while she just stands there speechless. Weird I know.
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Not weird. Understandable. When we feel trapped any release from this cage can feel like it would be a relief. Love what everyone here has to say, and am dealing with a similar situation myself. What I tell myself is that when I finally come out fully, I want it to be with all the honesty I can muster. I've lived this lie of being straight for so many years, the act of revealing my truth has to be done with no deception or with any acts I might regret.

Nealg · Jun 10, 2022

hopefulB said: ↑

Not weird. Understandable. When we feel trapped any release from this cage can feel like it would be a relief. Love what everyone here has to say, and am dealing with a similar situation myself. What I tell myself is that when I finally come out fully, I want it to be with all the honesty I can muster. I've lived this lie of being straight for so many years, the act of revealing my truth has to be done with no deception or with any acts I might regret.
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Thank you. That’s a great approach.

Contented · Jun 10, 2022

Heterosexuality for me was indeed a cage, I was trapped. However it was a cage of my own making I finally realized. I was so worried about what others might think if they found out I was gay I forgot it was I who mattered. The keys to those cages are in our hands and only we can free ourselves. Waiting for someone or some event to be the key I found out is a waste of time energy and emotion.

Coming Out to Wife advice

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