Coming Out to Wife advice

@Joolz66

I guess I asked this poorly. What are the aspects of your life that will blow up? Sometimes it helps to look at each part as a stand alone problem and work that out.

I am a big believer in dividing and conquering. If we look at the whole of something sometimes it is overwhelming and we make no head way.

I was a pretty serious rock and ice climber when I was younger. If I looked at a wall with the idea I was going to get to the top it would make me worry and I couldn’t even start. So, I learned to do one move at a time and think through it. Pretty soon I was at the top.

Try and break down the pieces of your life that prevent you from changing and address each. Maybe the sum is that you still can’t come out right now. But, maybe it isn’t so overwhelming if you break it down.

 

@Joolz66 - If I may, I'd like to add one more perspective to this discussion. In thinking back to coming out to my wife almost 4 months ago, I'm very glad that I did despite how painful it was leading up to it (and despite the crappy, cowardly way that I did it). I say this because I realized that she probably felt a lot of pain, self doubt, and blame because our emotional connection and intimacy faded away almost 15 years ago. She never came out and said this to me, but I think she felt that way even though I would tell her that her treatment of me and (what I considered to be) the verbal abuse was the reason. I feel now that a lot of that verbal abuse came from a place of frustration and loneliness because I couldn't give her what she needed. As much as my revelation disrupted the status quo, I feel like she might be experiencing some relief and thinking "Ok, I guess it wasn't me after all". She never shared those feelings with me, but I just think that it's part of what she's feeling. So, in turn, that relief that she appears to be feeling helps me with the guilt of not being the husband that she deserved for the last 25 years. Does that make sense? I surely don't know your situation in detail, but do you think there is a chance that any of that applies to you and your wife? I hope this helps and let me know if I can help in any further way. I know how much this sucks.

 

It does seem you are edging closer and closer to a frank discussion of your sexual truth. No one ever said this was an easy task however it is necessary step in your sexual evolution and in allowing your wife to deal with the situation I am guessing she already has an inkling about. Don’t let the opportunity to bring this into the light of day now that your this close.

 

This resonates so much @Joolz66. For me it was trying to square how I felt and the need to be honest with myself, but also try and protect my (now ex) wife as the person I loved and had been with for many years, and had two children with. It was hard, but 9 years down the line, she has a partner of 7 years, my kids are absolutely fine and turning into well-balanced, kind, respectful young men and, me? Well, it's not been just plain sailing, but I am happy in who I am and what I am, and despite my break up from my ex-fiance almost two years ago, I'm living a life I am happy with and have freedom to be me. That is worth it whatever happens.

What does it mean for your wife? I tried hard to be the person that protected and cared for my family, whilst trying to discover the 'new' me, respectfully. Making sure my ex-wife didn't feel like she was in free fall, providing for them and showing that, despite not being with her and living with them, I could still always be the person that could be relied on. For me it was about my own personal integrity and doing the right thing for everyone, including me.

I can't believe it's almost 9 years ago - that time has flown in and I look back and don't recognise the man I was back then. I feel like I did when I was about 12 - just as I began to discover same-sex attractions (although I'd no idea then that's what it was to be gay) - completely free and able to just be me and not feel that I have to be a certain way to please others or hide who I am.

It's a good feeling.

 

And, if it's any help to you, this is the original thread, and tries to communicate how I felt and how it all went after I told her:

https://forum.emptyclosets.com/inde...ee-way-ahead-after-coming-out-to-wife.337458/

 

N

Nice.

 

@Highlander2 I feel bursting into a chorus of "Thanks for the Memories" after paging through your old post. I see so many names I remember. Some are still here; some came out long ago and have not been here for years; some had discussions with their wives and tested the waters, but finally decided that their best chance at happiness was to stay with their wives. Our experiences are all different and all unique. It's been quite an experience.

 

Sometimes I wonder if it would just be easier if my wife caught me…like with gay porn. I have this fantasy as well where she walks in on me and a guy having sex and just stands there and watches. And we don’t stop. Not sure what to make of these thoughts.

 

@Nealg

Sometimes it's easier to have decisions made for you than to initiate an action.

But, consider how your wife would feel "catching you in the act" even if just porn. Do you believe it would go easier after that when you talk with her? In my case, I almost cheated on my wife with a man (I met him but didn't follow through) and that compelled me to come out to her. I had this fear somehow that this guy would search me out and blackmail me. I was so worked up I went for a mile swim and ended up swimming three miles. I was afraid to face life outside the pool with someone out there that knew my secret. I came out to my wife soon after. I needed to do it my way and didn't want to toss it to fate.

 

I understand totally. Things are just not great between us regardless. So it’s a little different I think.

 

I think this indicative of your overarching desire to live an openly gay life. I get it. As Nickw says I think we sometimes hope for other people to be our solution. Unfortunately in most case they simply aren’t. My personal experience was that the need to be a man and embrace my homosexuality became constant. It started to consume all my thoughts and I knew it was time to act. Telling my long term GF I was gay and wanted out was one of the toughest things I ever did. Almost 4 years down the road I am so happy I did but it doesn’t change the fact that is painful and certainly not easy Most honest real personal growth isn’t really easy but necessary to be happy.

 

Hi @Nealg - I really feel for you and the struggles you're having with coming out to your wife. Believe me, I had them for a very long time. I probably can't offer much more than what's been said in this thread. But have you ever thought about the possibility that she suspects that you're gay? If so, it is possible that your coming out to her could go easier than you think. It certainly was the case for me. We still have a lot of problems in our marriage, but I think a weight was lifted off of both of us after I did it.

 

Yes I have thought maybe she suspects I’m gay. Not sure what I may have done or said to make her feel that way, but I have read that the wife somehow just knows.

 

Thanks for that. Never reallly thought of it.

 

So your wife knew already? Or at least suspected I guess. What did she say the signs where? Was it more women’s intuition perhaps?

 

@Nealg - So, right after my daughter was born 15 years ago, she confronted me about my sexuality. Our intimacy had been waning for a long time prior to that, and she asked if I was gay. Of course at the time, I denied it up and down, and I told her that the reason I was not initiating sex was because of the various marital problems that we had and because of the way I was being treated by her. (That is not altogether untrue). This came up a couple of times later, and I said the same thing. Eventually, we both stopped talking about it and she eventually started sleeping in another room, and we continued to ignore that elephant in the room for many years to come. So, I stand here today not having sex with anyone for the past 15 years. Things became more strained between us, and if we weren't arguing, we just weren't talking at all. I started drinking more heavily, and in hindsight, it was largely because I probably wanted to forget the misery and loneliness that was my life. That mindset started to change last October when I had drinks with a former coworker who is gay and who I realize now, I had a major crush on. So, I began to feel that maybe I could actually come out and maybe it wouldn't be received as badly as I thought. So, I struggled with that angst for a few months and one night this past January after drinking too much, I came out to my wife and daughter. Although my wife was upset with the drinking part, she was more supportive than I could have ever hoped. My wife told me that she came to the conclusion years ago that I was gay, and that she had already grieved over it. So, after all of this bring said, I am so glad that I came out to her (although I regret the way I did it). I say I'm glad because she is now experiencing some relief in that she is no longer blaming herself for the lack of intimacy and that I will start to get to the point that she is, mentally, about our relationship. (Side note - I have since stopped drinking alone at home because I know that the drinking put a major strain on the family in general and, you know, it's generally not a healthy thing to do anyway)