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My Hang-Up with “Passing”

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Trout, Jun 4, 2022.

  1. Trout

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    I have discussed this multiple times with my therapist, but I would like to get some different views/inputs, please. First I want to emphasize this is my personal issue and not any form of criticism of those who feel differently.

    I’m a transwoman, but I don’t have any particular feelings toward women’s clothing in and of itself. I want to wear women’s clothing because I’m a woman, and that’s women do. And I want to be seen for what I am; that’s rather the point of transitioning (at least for me), to stop living a lie that I’m something that I’m not. And if I’m going to be seen as something I’m not - such as a man wearing women’s clothing - I might as well wear men’s clothing; it’s a lot easier.

    It’s not that I’m concerned about how other people will react. I’m mostly out, and people have been mostly supportive, or at least accepting. And when I’ve been out dressed as a woman, I’ve, fortunately, never had an issue, aside from the rare misgendering. However, looking in a mirror, seeing a man wearing women’s clothing, and “knowing” that’s how others see me, is a certain recipe for extreme emotional frustration, and laying in bed crying rather than going out.
     
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  2. Robyn mac

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    i believe many trans people feel that way in the beginning. Do you war a wig? Wear makeup ? If you do maybe get makeup lessons from crossdressers or other transwomen. It takes a long time to learn how to contour your makeup to accent your face and cleavage.
    Are you taking hormones ? They take awhile to change the shape of your body .
    Most of all don't think about what you look like ,own who you are .Take pride in your self for havin g the strength to be who you are. I am not saying this about others but for you. Don' t cry you are a very strong person for being you.
    If you need someone to vent to I am here.
     
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  3. chicodeoro

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    Hi Trout, one question - how do you "know" that that is how others see you?

    Since most of us trans women are taller on average than our cis-ters and many of us are obviously AMAB it is definitely harder to blend in. But when I walk down the street I'm not thinking that people are thinking 'oh that's a man', I'm assuming they're just thinking 'oh that's a trans woman'. And, of course, they're right!

    I reckon it is highly likely to be the same in your case.

    The point is that passing as cis is incredibly difficult for even the most feminine of us. Personally, I don't care. As long as people treat me with the respect with which they should give every woman, I'm happy with that.

    Beth
     
  4. DragonChaser

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    It doesn't matter who we are; our identity and how others see us will never be in absolute balance. We all have our own perceptions of things, naturally, so not everyone will understand what it is we are.

    There's a question we girls and boys and all those who place in between must ask ourselves: How much ground are we willing to cede to those who have our worst interests at heart? How much of yourself are you willing to shed in favor of those who refuse to understand you?

    It's always easier to be obedient. That is why we can't be. So if you can safely be visible, my dear sister we simply need you, out there, proud, living your best life. We've never needed you more!

    Please, I don't ask for me. I ask for the kids out there who figured out themselves way earlier than I did because it hurt them way worse. Their right to be is under attack. The more of us out there, changing the narrative, the better.

    Just consider it. I wouldn't ever dare to ask you to do something that would endanger you or compromise your job or relationships, so I won't judge you for any choices you make and I will still support you just as much, however the need is urgent and you've mentioned being able to do it without apparent danger. As I said, just consider it.

    Love to you and yours, my sister. I would love to give you a hug right now, but since I cannot I'll induce the same chemical sensation as a gentle hug with a puppy. If anyone else wants a hug, too, please click for pup.
     
    Rayland, Trout, TinyWerewolf and 2 others like this.
  5. Trout

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    That is really making me think, and is very motivating, thank you. You are correct that I don’t have a job or relationships to endanger. Rather, what I need to consider is another aspect of my mental health — The surest way for me to have an anxiety attack is to get frustrated. If I get frustrated enough, I’ll loose it, have an anxiety attack, need to take some Xanax, and be out of it for the rest of the day (at least). One of the most important things I’ve learned in therapy is to “walk away” from something before I get frustrated. I need to find a way to be “out there” without becoming frustrated that my physical appearance doesn’t match who I really am.

    The puppy hug was *wonderful* and much appreciated.
     
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  6. Unidentified

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    right?!? Dressing up often feels less like being ‘me’, and more like someone trying to dress up and imitate being me. This is an idea I’ve struggled with for many years and has prevented me from presenting my identity for what I feel it is. I want to be woman … not be a man dressed like a woman (nothing wrong with that- just not what my identity feels like to me). I’ve tried body suits (quite realistic ones) and although I love the feel of that body, it still doesn’t feel like mine anymore than touching a female partners body feels like mine. I don’t care about makeup, clothes, gender roles, or even how others see me - those things don’t define or express what I feel my body is lacking … I just wish my body felt like it was my own. I don’t know how to best reconcile this - you are not alone.
     
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  7. BradThePug

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    I remember when I was first starting my transition. I was still pretty clearly female looking, but I was at work wearing a name tag that said Brad. I had an older man make a comment one day about how my parents must have hated me because they named me a male name. I let it bother me for a long time, but after some time I realized that it did not matter what others thought about me. I felt a lot more comfortable using my new name and presenting the way that I was presenting. This incident really helped with me being more comfortable with myself and my identity. I realized that going against the status quo was going to be hard, but it was something I needed to do to better myself.
     
    Robyn mac likes this.