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How much can someome with ocd believe in what other people say as totally true?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Sadness, Feb 22, 2022.

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  1. Sadness

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    Last days have been hard.

    I just dont feel happy, maybe i got to consumed by all this.

    Maybe bc i forced too much but i kind feel disgusted when i think about woman, the bad feelings feels like disgust.

    Even not testing w men i still have this tingles that bothers me even when im in the bathroom and there are othe guys

    Ive been thinking about asking a guy to show me his dick so i can see what i feel lol.

    I didnt even tested, i just feel bad, i feel like im lying to myself, cant rhink about sex and anything, maybe bc of the meds.

    I just feel really bad for no reason, i think im only lying to myself.

    Its hard to feel like you are trying to get better at something that is just a lie
     
  2. Chip

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    Stick with your medication regimen. Keep talking to your psychiatrist about what you are experiencing. And if you are seeing a therapist, ask the therapist to engage in treatment specific to managing the OCD symptoms.

    I know how hard this is. I also know it is possible to get past it.
     
  3. Sadness

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    It was a hard week but i manage to get some good weeks too. Im not doing any therapy, although my psychiatrist is also therapist.

    But i havent done any type of erp stuff.

    I noticed something funny these days, i actually tested again in a while, even tho i feel those tinglings and responses when thinking about giving a bj ti a guy, irli dont feel nothing close to my friends or men and meanwhile,even tho i feel this bad feeling like im disgusted, irl only the touch of a woman is enough to make me aroused, even tho this is kind weird, bt yeah lol
     
  4. Sadness

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    I still cant say if my fantasies with transwoman are induced by porn or if im trully aroused by them, even tho it started with me testing with men, my mind suddenly switched to transwoman and it felt pretty good
     
  5. Chip

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    It's almost certainly OCD.
     
  6. Sadness

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    As usual lol. I think i'll keep masturbating to these fantasies since they are natural, or should i stop?

    I just feel sad that i almost went 1 entire month without testing again, feels like i betrayed myself
     
  7. Chip

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    A month without testing is an achievement! That's something to feel good about.

    If I were in your shoes, I'd give up all porn entirely, because so much of your porn use is tied in with testing. If you give it up, and focus instead on fantasies you create in your mind, that are ones you actually enjoy, it will help in building new brain circuits that replace the adaptive ones associated with your OCD.
     
  8. Sadness

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    Yeah it was too good to be one month without testing, but one day for some reason i don't know i tested about sucking a dude penis and got the tingling and arousal feeling and all that jazz, than it all started again. Wish i could tell myself that even if i feel this arousal is not true arousal, but i cant not get anxious or hyper alert about this

    And about the fantasies i was fantasizing about that transwoman, or what you meant was that even if i fantasize, they are tied up with my porn use?
     
  9. Chip

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    Well, that gets complicated, because your porn use was before your medication was under control and managing your symptoms, so if you are fantasizing about something you watched, it could be recalling memories tied to the unmedicated OCD. Does that make sense?
     
  10. Sadness

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    Oh i get it, so it's tied with my porn use, bc most of my fantasies i usually take something from the porn i watch, or i remember some porn star or try to put things i saw in porn and fantasize about it
     
  11. Chip

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  12. Sadness

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    Got me thinking yesterday about life.

    I was at a friends house and i unconsciously tested there, tried to hug my friend from behind just to find me feeling tingles again, i don't know if the tingle happens due to my anxiety.

    I actually don't even care whenever i test, those last days have been kind hard but i manage to not come here and write the same thing, but i did test, and the feelings were always the same..

    I remebered something that happened in my early childhood, i was at a friends house, we were kids, and one of my friends asked me to go to the bathroom so we would watch porn, i wasnt into porn that time of my life because my parents said it was wrong to watch it. But i went to the bathroom, we both sat on the toilet and he started masturbating to it.

    I dont remember if i did too, because like i said, my parents said it was wrong to do that so early in life. But that's what happened...

    Can this help me understand what i'm going through?

    And i have been feeling very lonely lately. Yesterday almost all of my friends had their gf there, and i was alone watching them and got me thinking that i really want to have a connection with someone, but because of what i'm going through now, i feel afraid, and plus i can't fall in love anymore, if i think about a cute girl, about kissing her, i normally have this weird "bad" feeling that doesn't let me enjoy.

    I wish i could fall in love with a girl. I want to have a gf but i just can't seem to find anyone attractive.
     
  13. Chip

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    There's no question that a conflict between being told something is wrong and being exposed to it (and invited to participate) is going to create conflict that can cause anxiety. There's some new data I read the other day that talks about specific types of adverse childhood experiences that can contribute to the brain adaptations that manifest later in life as OCD (and, for that matter, depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and a bunch of other things) .

    Your issue is a combination of factors. There's childhood trauma almost certainly, there's a lot of judgment you grew up with, likely too much porn in your early teen years, and OCD that went undamaged and unaddressed for several years, which tends to make it worse. All of these things combine together to create a mess of difficult symptoms.

    You can, and will, be able to fall in love with a girl. But you really have to solve the anxiety and OCD related symptoms first. And the medication is helping, it seems, but it does not sound like you're getting much progress out of therapy. YOu may need a different therapist, and/or a reevaluation by another psychiatrist to see if more could be done with the meds. You don't deserve these daily struggles. It should be solvable with proper care.
     
  14. Sadness

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    I would say that there is probably a ton of things that made me who i am now and feeling what i feel nowadays.

    I just can't seem to find out those factors that eventually manifested anxiety

    I cant say what those traumas are, and if i think if my past i don't find moments that would turn into what i'm going through.

    All i can say is that i feel very bad and sad, wouldn't say depressed but pretty sad, and im working hard to feel better, to win against the anxiety and i dont want it to be in vain

    I think i need to find a new therapist, my psychiatrist works like a therapist too, but maube i should see someone who is focused on therapy to try to work things out.

    But im tired of having to explain everything to someone again, and i fear will misunderstand what i'm saying and will think im just in the closet.

    But i will try to find someone else
     
  15. Sadness

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    Life trully goes like a roller coster. 3 days ago i had maybe the best day of my year, for some reason i was just feeling attracted to girls, everything seemed fine i was even able to fantasise about it
    i even dreamed about dating a girl where i kissed her and i felt pleasure and happiness, not bad weird feelings i had before.

    I am now for some reason attracted to this girl, she's from my class, i am not in love but i can say that i'm attracted because just being closed to her give me some type of arousal and i feel that feeling sin my stomach and i like to just look at her, she has a pretty smile.

    The point is that i am very afraid now. I dont think anything will haplem between us, but i like to fantasise a little, and even feeling aroused that weird bad feeling is still there, maybe im trying to forcs myself to feel her mouth texture? Which is pretty weird btw.

    But im afraid that if something happens between us i wont be able to feel food kissing her and all that.

    I can't say what feeling is this, bc i dont feel disgusted i just feel pressured? And i have a bad feeling on my stomach, it seems pretty psychological, dont know

    But yeah everything happened this week and im afraid now lol
     
  16. Sadness

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    Sorry, i misspelled a lot of words, i was pretty sleepy at the moment i wrote this
     
  17. Sadness

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    So...

    I can never tell what's true and what's not when everything feels like the fastest rollercoaster i've been.

    Everything changes so fast i can't tell what's happening.

    I had this day i wrote about, the best day of my year, for some reason after this day, i stopped masturbating for a little while because i wasnt into it.

    And i noticed that i was feeling a huge disgust for any type of relationship with woman, having sex i would have this bad feeling, just looking at them would make me have this bad feeling, maybe i was supe anxious, craving for some changes.

    But the tingles would continue every time i had a instrusive gay sex thought. Tingles, the weird hard on

    But only in my mind i would feel this weird with woman, i have a colleague eho works eith me that whenever she would get closer, i would get very aroused. And i don't like that, i'm not a kid anymore, i shouldnt have arousal by just this. But when i was fantasizing i felt some arousal but this bad feeling was all over the place.

    So i collapsed and went back to masturbate, and the day after i masturbated, i started to get aroused by woman again, ofc the bad feeling was there but i was able to get hard and fantasize.

    There is really something psychological going on here, maybe my meds made my libido extremely low

    But im sure that is worrying me, since things change so fast i cant tell if what im feeling is true or not.

    I used to hold on my arousal to woman to explain i wasnt gay, but now i don't even know if what im feeling is trully from my heart, or just a byproduct of porn and masturbation.

    I was readin a manga, where there's this guy who lives between the richs and poors, the manga itself is pretty introspective, he did trepanation on himself and started to see what trully lies on people's heart, their traumas.

    Those traumas are called homunculus, and that's the name of the manga, and while i was reading i was putting myself on the mc position, bc he doesnt know why he can't feel things anymore.

    And at some point one of his 'friends' tells him that those homunculus appear because of some trauma we experience in life. Living in our true self, while we used masks to hide our true nature

    Its pretty good and i started thinking about all this that happened to me, and i there has to be something inside me, but i cant find the answer
     
    #57 Sadness, Jun 4, 2022
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2022
  18. Chip

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    SSRIs (the most common antidepressants) can suppress sexual arousal and can also make it hard to reach orgasm. Those symptoms aren't universal, but they are fairly common.

    The challenge you have is the underlying anxiety/OCD which pervades everything. This is a great topic to bring up to your therapist.
     
  19. Sadness

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    Yeah i will try to have this conversation with him.

    Maybe trying to change meds? Don't know how effective will be. I can assure you that my "obsessive tests" are almost gone, i don't test like i used to do, everytime lets say, it only happens sometimes and then i don't test for maybe 1, 2 weeks.

    But i still feel so confused because i can't properlly fantasize with woman, i feel bad for some reason, a bad feeling, maybe disgust?

    I'm quitting porn but it doesn't seem like my brain is going back to where it was before. Today was one of the unfortunate days where i tested 1 time, i thought about giving a guy a bj, and then thought about doing the same thing with a transwoman. With the guy i didn't feel anything but suddenly when my mind thought about the transwoman i felt so aroused.

    Is porn still in my head rent free? Because those fantasies are so arousing and "woman" can't make me feel this level of arousal anymore.

    Everytime i get in a situation where a woman is close to me i feel so anxious and this bad feeling.

    It's such a psychological torture, i want to have sex but i'm afraid, i want to kiss but i'm afraid, i want to date but i' afraid.

    But somehow i manage to find transwoman fantasies extremelly arousing, is there something im missing?
    Is there any sign that i'm missing, or something?

    At this rate even talking to therapist and taking meds it's only cooling down and not resolving my problem

    What if im lying to myself and i'm gay? How do i know that?
     
    #59 Sadness, Jun 14, 2022
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2022
  20. Chip

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    After you quit porn, it's going to take probably months for your brain to completely rewire, but you should see some change within a couple of weeks. The transwoman fantasies are almost certainly a byproduct of porn habituation.

    OCD can have, as one of its symptoms, anxiety. It seems clear that your medication isn't optimal, because if it were, likely your anxiety would also be decreasing. This is a good conversation for your psychiatrist.

    You aren't lying to yourself.
     
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