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Coming Out... as a homophobe

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by PrettyBoyBlue, May 17, 2022.

  1. PrettyBoyBlue

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    Hi everybody! Thank you all for welcoming me back recently. A lot of things in my life have gone awry, and I'm trying to do what I can to fix them, starting with coming out. Homophobia, and resentment more generally, are almost literally killing me, and I'm finally trying to fix things before they go off the rails even more.

    So if you got past the title, you can tell I have a major obstacle to coming out: I think pretty much everyone in my life knows me as a "homophobe."

    For context, I'm 29/M, so when I was in high school and college most people I knew were very accepting, many were very pro-LGBT. That being said, I've come to terms with the fact that I was very, very unwell during that period. I was not violent/antagonistic, just outspoken against gay marriage when the topic was brought up. I was PAINFULLY aware of my sexuality, and took INCREDIBLE effort to police it and my gender expression.

    I've been spending the last few months thinking about how to address the topic if it comes up, and I've come up with a list that I think could cover every approach I could possibly take. In order from worst to best:
    1. Avoidance - Do not put yourself in situations where the topic could come up.
    2. Silence - Do not respond to the topic at all.
    3. Denial - "Huh?"
    4. Complete gaslighting - "What do you mean? I was always in support of gay marriage."
    5. Partial gaslighting - "I was never in the closet / No one ever asked / This one person person knew" Etc.
    6. Defensive - "I don't owe anyone an explanation."
    7. Offensive - "I believe what I want, whenever I want" (agency)
    8. Really offensive - "I didn't come out because you guys suck / weren't tolerant enough."
    9. Acknowledgement - "I am gay / no longer opposed to gay marriage"
    10. Ownership - "Yeah, I messed up."
    11. Qualified ownership - "Yeah, I messed up, but it was because of XYZ."
    12. Acceptance - "Things change, you know?"
    13. Full Acceptance - "I've gone through some things, and I had to change."
    14. Bonus: Humor - "I shaved my legs and listened to mountains of 80's pop. You didn't know?!?!?"
    I've realized that what makes this so painful for me, is that I think coming out is supposed to be about getting rid of shame, but in my case, it might add more... Having to possibly face sneering people saying, "Yeah, I fucked up." At this point in my life I can't take any more shame, I'm gonna buckle under it.

    So if you read my text wall THANK YOU! I would be very grateful for any guidance!!!
     
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  2. chicodeoro

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    PrettyBoyBlue, it's called internalised homophobia. For so many gay men and lesbians it's something that they have had to navigate before coming out. If it comes up in conversation just explain about it.

    Also...why should you be held to opinions you expressed a long time ago? Gahh, I'd be severely p***ed off if people reminded me of stuff I said when I was at college. Back then I was a wet-behind-the-ears idiot that spouted nonsense (like we all did). It's who you are now that counts.

    Beth
     
  3. PatrickUK

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    Those who shout the loudest have the most to hide. Have you heard that expression?

    It's not uncommon for LGBT people to be incredibly hostile and homophobic when they are deep in the closet. They falsely believe that hostility will offer them a cover, even though it can draw greater attention to them, but times change and people change.

    Personally, I would use that expression as the basis of an explanation and expand on it as you wish. It probably would be helpful to refer back to how unwell you were when the internalised homophobia began.

    It can be very hard to climb down from a particular position that we have become well known for, but people are usually understanding if we can provide a reasonable explanation for our change of heart and show a willingness to apologise for any past offence.
     
  4. bsg75apollo

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    I would not say that you fucked up. That's not be very forgiving of yourself. There's probably a better way to word that is just as truthful, but far less hostile. You have no reason to feel shame. You might have to ask for forgiveness if you hurt someone, but honesty is going to go far. If someone shames you for those mistakes that you own up to, then that's on them.
     
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  5. PrettyBoyBlue

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    I had first read a about it a couple years ago (The Velvet Rage, among others) Some things resonated and some things didn't... but more and more it resonates. There are so many ways the course of my life has been affected by it... the more time goes on, the more aspects I discover. It's a little heartbreaking for me honestly. I'll probably make a separate post about it some time.
    Thank you Patrick and bsg75, I certainly hope so. And I haven't really hurt anyone, as far as I know.. pretty sure I was only really hurting me :disappointed:

    I was thinking of all your responses while out walking today ... Kind of wondering now if maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion? But I just keep remembering some of the wildly outrageous expressions my college friends made when I told them I was against marriage equality... I kinda think they'd never let me hear the end of this, and I just want to move on ffs. I hate confrontation and it's probably one of the reasons I was in the closet for so long.

    I also suddenly realized that even in coming out, my reaction might actually contribute to homophobia. My default response is oftentimes being really defensive, really aggressive (#6, #7, #8), and I wonder if in doing so, I make coming out a much bigger deal than it has to be, and build the closet even deeper, in a way. And I absolutely would not want to do that! I would rather hope that my coming out will help somebody else, some day.

    Thank you all so much, you're giving me a lot to think about this week!
     
    #5 PrettyBoyBlue, May 18, 2022
    Last edited: May 18, 2022
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  6. chicodeoro

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    You're welcome, PrettyBoyBlue! It should be added that internalised homophobia and transphobia is very very normal amongst us in the LGTBQ community.

    Why? Because as children and young adults we want to fit in and be 'normal'. But Western society - even in the 2020s - is still very homophobic and transphobic. So how do we do this? By often denying our true selves in the short term quest for acceptability.

    I mean I've done it! I remember I didn't exactly respond to my brother coming out as gay in 2005 as I should have done, and I still feel guilty for that. I know though that to me at the time his coming out was an uncomfortable reminder of what I knew deep down about myself and I responded in the wrong way.

    So really you have nothing to admonish yourself about. It's all a completely normal step on the long journey that we all take to self acceptance.

    Beth
     
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  7. BiGemini87

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    You've gotten some pretty insightful replies so far, so I'll just add: if you are the only person who was hurt by these things and these friends of yours are really as accepting and pro-LGBT as they claim, then I have an inkling they'll be more forgiving than you have been with yourself. After all, the things you listed really aren't uncommon actions/expressions for those struggling with their sexuality and how it makes them feel about themselves.

    I understand your guilt and your fears of further judgment from others. I think if you not only show your willingness to come out, but a certain level of vulnerability regarding the things you used to say, it'll go a long way towards helping them understand the position you were in at the time, and where you are now.

    I know it's hard, but try not to kick yourself too much; you were dealing with a lot at the time (of which I'm sure you're orientation wasn't the whole of it). Give yourself a little grace. :slight_smile:
     
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  8. PrettyBoyBlue

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    Thank you for sharing that story with me, @chicodeoro, I really appreciate it.

    Thank you for this @BiGemini87, that's really very comforting to hear. Vulnerability is definitely another huge issue for me, and it's probably something I'm going to have to overcome sooner than later if I want to be in a relationship. Might as well get started.

    I'm thinking I should probably just keep living my (sorta out) life, and if it comes up, I'll address it then. I realize now I might be sidelining myself with this whole topic... probably trying to concoct another reason/excuse to stay closeted.
     
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  9. CatsAndDogs

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    Hi @PrettyBoyBlue - I'm sorry you've been going through this. Although I don't have much more advice to add to this thread, I can say that I can definitely relate to the internalized homophobia. Hell, that's probably one of the main reasons why I'm just now slowly coming out of the closet at age 51! I grew up in a small town with seemingly no gay or lesbian people that I knew of. If you were gay, you were weak and there was something wrong with you. I think you can take comfort that society as a whole is more accepting of us now than 40 years ago. That said, I know that internalized homophobia doesn't go away on its own. You and I both will need to continue to surround ourselves with acceptance and love in the hopes that the IH can be slowly whittled away.
     
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  10. Warrior999

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    The word is 'internalized homophobia'. When I hear some homophobe going on and on about how gays are vile and evil and always cracking gay jokes (even veering out of the topic to bring this issue up), I can say it with a near certainty that these people are probably closeted gay/bi themselves, and trying their best to hide it by spewing homophobic comments or maybe they aren't even entirely aware/accepting of their own sexuality and that self-hatred and self-loathing manifests as homophobia, but in reality they are just in denial (OK that was one big-ass-sentence :wink: ).

    I was homophobic at one point too, and trust me, even now, even after all these years, I still harbor internalized homophobia that I find difficult to shake away. Sometimes I am filled with too much hatred and an uneasy feeling when the thought of dating/getting close to another guy comes. Hook ups are fine. But permanent dating? That fills me up with disgust and self-hatred.

    And trust me -- you will not find a single LGBT person who did not go through this. Maybe the kids today who are all growing up now will not face it as society has changed tremendously for us in the last 2 decades. But for anyone born in the 90s or early 2000s (and obviously pre-90s) have gone through it.

    People make mistakes. Just man up to it and move on. Just tell them that you are now accepting of homosexuality (without coming out yourself unless you want to do that) and that you have changed over the years.
     
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  11. PrettyBoyBlue

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    Wow, that is pretty much exactly how I (still) feel at times.. that's incredible that you wrote that, thank you!
    Definitely going to do my best owning up when the topic comes up... I'm trying now to take ownership, and say what I need to say, but without making an excuse of it. Thanks @Warrior999
     
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