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Pride

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by PeonyRose, May 22, 2022.

  1. PeonyRose

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    As pride month approaches and the shops are starting to stock pride merchandise does it make anyone else feel bad? I'm a completely closeted cis lesbian in my 40's and I always feel so guilty during pride month. How can I celebrate pride when I hide the truth about myself to everyone? I'm clearly not displaying any pride in who I am by hiding it. I feel thoroughly miserable about it.

    As an aside, today I saw a gay couple walking hand in hand in the street (not particularly common where I live) and felt happy and sad at the same time. Happy they were comfortable doing so, but sad that I know I'm not brave enough. I think I'm feeling pretty down on myself today.
     
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  2. Mirko

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    Hi there, I think it's quite normal to have the mixed and opposing feelings. Being in the closet, trying to figure out how best to move forward while also seeing others being open about themselves can make it hard and bring out different emotions and feelings. There is a part of you that wants to be yourself.

    Perhaps one thing to keep in mind is that going to pride doesn't necessarily say anything about you. Lots of LGBTQ+ supporters attend pride events. Others attend for the fun of it.

    Where I live, the pride parade for example is part of the summer tourist attractions. So tourists are in the crowd, taking pictures and having a good time and perhaps only a small percentage of them are actually part of the LGBTQ+ community.
     
  3. bsg75apollo

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    It made me sad in the past because it reminded me of how much of myself I was denying. This year is different now that I have come out at the age of 48. There are reasons to stay closeted but unless they are a matter of life and death, most of the time they are self-imposed, which mine were.
     
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  4. PrettyBoyBlue

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    Slowly coming out over the last several years... it used to make me feel worse than it does now. Instead of feeling happy and sad, I used to feel angry and sad. I used to feel really resentful. One, because I was homophobic, and two, because I was jealous or envious. "Why can't I have that?!? If I can't have it, no one should have it then!!!" So it was both seething and sad, outward and inward.

    Now, I feel ambivalent. I WANT to enjoy it more, I'll put it that way. I use the rainbow flags on here a lot because it makes me stupid happy. But I would never wear it! Not yet anyway. I feel like I still don't belong. I have this stereotype of what it means to be gay, and it seems a lot of the Pride marketing unintentionally reinforces that in a way? Like, we're normal, but also look at this elaborate scene? It's cognitively dissonant for me, and I'm still struggling with it.
    As far as celebrating it? Not every Pride celebration is the same size.. big cities, small towns. Even if it's just amongst yourself... If you're not hiding the truth from yourself, I think that's a great start!

    I hope you feel better this week, and I hope you can celebrate pride, again, even if it's in your own little way, even if no one else sees it.
     
    #4 PrettyBoyBlue, May 23, 2022
    Last edited: May 23, 2022
  5. bambibat

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    You don’t need to feel guilty, you’ve done nothing wrong. There’s no real correct way to show pride. I agree with what PrettyBoyBlue said here:

    I also kind of don’t like pride month. I’ve never attended any sort of event or been visibly loud about my sexuality in any way. Mostly because I’m a pretty reserved person, though there were many times I wished I were brave enough to be a part of a pride celebration or something. But I think true pride comes from (and should start) within — there may be many people out there who are “loud” but still have insecurities and turbulent feelings on the inside. Even if you struggle with feeling proud, or can only show it in a very small and quiet way, that’s okay. There is also no pressure to do anything at all. Be you and take things at a pace that is comfortable for you :slight_smile:
     
  6. PatrickUK

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    As I see it, Pride is about far more than coming out, so whether we are in the closet or not, it's still significant to us and the journey we are on. Even if we can't be there in person or actively participate (this year) it's still of great significance to us that such festivals take place and we can celebrate that simple fact in our mind until such a time as we are able to participate. Maybe you can make a donation to the organising committee instead, or to an LGBTQ charity?

    Pride represents the achievements we have made and the struggles we have had to endure, both individually and as a community. It's a time to celebrate and remember and to renew the call to action for all LGBTQ people around the world. It's about being visible and unashamed and yes, coming out is one of the things at the heart of Pride, but it's really about far more. You can be part of it in your heart, even if you can't make it in person.
     
  7. PeonyRose

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    Thank you everyone for your kind words and understanding. You've made me feel much better. I've got a long journey to go on but hopefully I'll get there in time.
     
  8. PrettyBoyBlue

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    I just wanted to add, since I was thinking about it today, that a lot of pride events and whatnot will probably still be livestreamed. Could be nice to tune in and have a little personal pride at home. Or watch an LGBT themed movie, wear something pride related around the house... There were a couple little articles during the pandemic about having pride at home, if you search it online. Stuff like that you can do privately, at your own pace.
     
  9. Nealg

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    Don’t feel bad. It’s your thoughts that count. Along those same lines, I try and do little things as much as I can even though I’m in the closet as well. I have a little pride pin I wear in public (but take it off before I get home). I’ve also been going to gay bars when I can just to be out of the closet for that moment in time. Little things and baby steps.
     
    #9 Nealg, May 31, 2022
    Last edited: May 31, 2022
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  10. Isbjorn

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    I have been to pride in Reno a couple of times, but not while I was out. It was on the radar and had been since puberty, but still not even accepting myself. I was there with my church as an Ally. It is a wonderful experience. This is the first year I am able to participate, being mostly out, specifically to my wife.I will be out of town for the one in Reno, but will be in the San Francisco area for the one there. Staying with a friend for a Giants game. It's kinda nice in that he is my "vetted" FWB. Long story there. :grin:

    I guess what I am saying is do what is comfortable for you. If you go, that does not scream to everyone, "I am (insert LGBTQ+ label here)!" You can go incognito as an Ally, questioning, whatever. There is not anything wrong with not going either. As has been said the most important is being comfortable inside yourself. The rest of the world can pack sand.

    I will have to say, it is really cool to see so many comfortable in their own skin and to see the MANY facets of the community. All of them to varying degrees, from in your face FLAMBOYANT to homogeneous. The cool thing with the pride, in Reno at least, is there is no pressure at all. Just be you wherever you fit the spectrum I mentioned above. One thing that is not tolerated by most is nonacceptance. I have not seen violence, but intolerant people are in the minority at pride and are dealt with pronto. By dealt with, I mean usually by a group of queens in drag making them so uncomfortable as to leave. It is hilarious to see! Though that may just be my twisted humor.
     
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  11. quebec

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    PeonyRose.....I feel a lot like you do. The circumstances that surround me, the town I live in, the people around me, etc. are such that I can't attend Pride without it causing a lot of problems. Even going as a supporter would cause problems. So instead I devote time here on Empty Closets, doing my best to help my LGBTQIA+ Family in any way that I can. I wish that I could be more open, but unfortunately it just doesn't work out for me. I think that there are many of us that are in situations where we can't be as openly supportive as we would like to be, but that doesn't mean that there aren't other ways to be a positive influence and help our family members!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  12. DragonChaser

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    "Pride" is many things. Generally, it's visibility, which those of us who can share must, so that the rest of us don't feel so alone or afraid and can share it, too. We march, in many ways, to let others know that we aren't one, we are many, and we stand together, despite our many differences.

    I feel it generally about my orientation, though I feel very deep and personal pride about being trans. That said, there is a practical side to living in a world that wants to destroy you insofar as how much of "you" is safe to show. We've all heard stories, seen videos of people ranting at, threatening, assaulting us... worse. All of our stripes as queer people, none safe from harm... it's hard not to think about some of the time.

    Don't be ashamed that the world has made it unsafe for you, be proud of who you are and celebrate it in every way you can! Know, with more and more of us taking to the streets, speaking out, and being seen, your time to join us all will be coming soon!

    As far as corporations flooding the shelves with rainbows, well... here's where I get pessimistic. Explicitly, corporations and markets don't care about us, and they only slap pride on things performatively; "Pride" sits right next to "Non-GMO" and "No MSG!"

    It is for the sake of them receiving praise for showing very little beyond a vague tolerance of our identity, devoid of any understanding of our history or the nature of our struggles.

    If they truly supported us, they could flood our charities with donations and begin sponsored outreach programs. Even if just a dozen Fortune 500 companies made such a charity, and put only a million in each, think of the good they'd do for all.

    Even if I never saw a penny of it, as a homeless transwoman, there's some girl half my age out there in the same position who doesn't even have a decent job to afford a crappy hotel room like I do; she deserves help. It would be trivial for them to grant it. But they don't.

    Instead, they take our hard-earned symbols and the banners of our bloody struggles and say "Hey, fa-er, queers- uh, queer people! Our marketing and accounting teams revealed pretending to be okay with you by modifying the packing of our product slightly is now historically acceptable enough not to negatively impact our bottom line via mass boycott from fundamentalist groups! In fact, it'll increase, thanks to people believing we somehow support you beyond changing a sticker in a way that makes some idiots mad... Whoo-pee for you, huh!? Now come on in, you can even sit at the counter like people do!"

    Ultimately, I find corporate American, and really global corporate, "Pride" to be outwardly counterfeit and rather offensive. We deserve to be seen and respected always, not just when it's politically convenient.

    As much as I wanted this to be a post in a thread related to Pride wishing everyone a Happy Pride Month - and I still absolutely do, don't get me wrong! - there's a part of Pride I think America especially has forgotten.

    Pride is not a celebration. At least, not innately. It is a celebration of self in a way, but it is through a refusal to submit and rooted in protest, anger, resistance.

    We weren't marching through the streets holding hands because it looked cute getting together like that, we were doing it to show them - and you all know who exactly "they" are - who we are and that they couldn't be rid of us, couldn't silence us, couldn't beat us down or push us out without a fight, because we were ready for it, just like at Stonewall.

    To me, that's Pride. When they tell us to sit down, to stay in our place, to let them use all of us as their scapegoats and victims, Pride is us standing up together and shouting back "No!" It's us screaming in their faces "I will not surrender who I am to you!"

    It's showing them, even if they hate us and try to destroy us, we're not a disease. We're not a mistake. We're not criminals or mentally ill. And we won't be treated that way.

    It's saying "We're here, we're queer, get used to it!" and it's meaning every word.
     
    #12 DragonChaser, Jun 1, 2022
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2022