I've given up. I'm all out of options. I have been trying to transition for 5 years now. And I can never start. I can never express my true self. I would lose everything I've ever worked for if I transitioned. I swim, and if my coach found out I wouldn't have a coach. As it is, it's hard to even find teams to swim on because I'm not fast enough. I just don't want to give up all I have worked for since I was 4 years old. Then there's all my relatives. They love me, but I know it wouldn't be the same if I transitioned. I've tried to express my self in secret, but that doesn't even work anymore, because someone's always at home. I want to express myself in the real world but never have a time that is safe. Trying to confirm to society, I've lost a lot of pieces of myself. I don't know how long I have left before I'm all gone, and all is left is just a walking piece of hollow garbage. And for that reason I'm thinking about ending it all before it gets that far. I apologize for any inconveniences I have caused anyone at anytime. And I hope everything has a wonderful week. Sincerely, Whatever my name is
Hello! I'm so sorry to hear you struggling so much. I can't say I know all of how you feel, but I know how hard it is not being able to express yourself. I'm trans male and I'm not out at all. I'm too scared right now, but preparing to come out. I have known since kindergarten and have denied myself all this time. I'm 30 now and it feels like it will be a long time before I can transition (it's expensive, and there are a lot of steps needed to take), but I refuse to give up hope and it all may seem all hopless now, but please don't give up. Do you have anyone you could talk to? I really hope it gets better. If you ever need to vent, then I'm one big ear. Sending many hugs.
Hi Danielle, I get that it must be so incredibly difficult at the moment. Do you have any friends who would support you if you came out to them? Even just having one person with whom you can be you might make things easier. From what you've written I'm guessing that you're still living in the family home, right? Well, that's not going to be forever. There will come a time when you'll have the resources to get your own place. A lot of us trans folk have been in a similar place to you when the present seems unspeakably oppressive and all we do is live for the future. That future does get easier, I promise. Sure there's sh*t to wade through first, but you will get there. Eventually. Beth x
Sounds like you are in school and live with family. Will you be going to college or working soon? Often it’s the environment we are in can cause feelings of hopelessness, and so the best way to get a second chance is to change your environment. Moving takes some time. What you can do right now is find friends and people who are supportive of trans rights. Even just a few trustworthy people can relieve some stress. I did not feel comfortable coming out until my mid 20s. If you are able to talk to a knowledgable professional counselor/therapist, that would also help.
Also, no apologies are needed! We are here to support you. EC was really the first place I felt comfortable talking about myself, and the best part is reading other people’s stories and knowing you’re not alone.
I understand what this is like, not quite exactly as a ftm guy, but trust me do I understand. I also live with my family (I had to go back in the closet though and don't live here by choice), I'm a singer and a lot of trans men have lost their voice after t, I'll likely have to quit my choir because they won't accept me. I've literally been singing since I was three years old, I've improved so much over time and don't want to throw that away. Right now we have to live for the future, like @chicodeoro said, that's the only hope I have right now if I'm being honest. That mental image of the man I'll possibly be someday keeps me going. Imagine you as the woman you are/want to be, and hold on to her. And as @resu said, maybe try to change your enviornment. Are there any pride clubs or trans support groups in your area? If you are maybe they could add the support you need. Keep talking to us too, letting it out helps I promise! I tend to bottle things up, and I know from experience that it makes it worse.
You’re special and you’re worth fighting for! I’m sorry you’re feeling so hurt and lost, but there are people here who would be happy to listen and provide whatever support we’re able. You might also check out https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help/ for immediate help either by phone or chat or text message. But please reach out to someone!
danielle.....You can certainly get ahold of the Trevor project at the website that @CapnMal gave you or at this phone number: 1-866-488-7386. Please remember that you are a part of our LGBTQIA+ Family and that we do care about you...a lot! Please feel free to talk to us at anytime...you can vent to us or ask questions...whatever. We will do our best to be here when ever you need us. .....David
So... I want to clarify some things up front. I was where you are. I'm older than you, by a decade and a half. And I love you. All of those are true. ESPECIALLY the last one. I specify these, because we're going ugly places now. And I need to scare you straight. Because what you're doing is letting go of the controls and hoping someone who hates everything you are will take them. That's pretty crazy, some would say. That's pretty stupid, I say. Because I did it too. Do you know what I got? A decade of drug addiction, isolation, rage, sorrow, self-abuse, abuse of others, self-destruction, the destruction of others... you want details, they're yours, provided you're not immediately going to say "Well, that's not my situation, so..." Which... I know you will. Because I would've too. Believe it or not, I'm not here to abuse you. I know there are consequences; we're BOTH in the closet, of course. We're both American; you might as well wear a sandwich-board with a bullseye on it here. But you know what really pisses me off? That I'm not strong enough to show you it can be done, and you can be free. That's what hurts the most. If I can ever, EVER do anything about that, I will. I will fight until the end for us both, Danielle. And I will embrace you the second I see you, face-to-face. Until then, I'll fight for both of us in however meager a ways I can while I hang on for dear life. And if all you can do is hang on, too, HANG THE FUCK ON. I love you.
Hi Danielle, please don't give up!! I know it's easier said than done obviously, but please don't give up. You are worth it and deserving of love!!! I think a lot of people on EC can identify with losing pieces of themselves... but the only way to get them back is to find them, one by one. But it takes time. If you give up now, then there will be no time. I know you're having trouble being yourself in the world and at home.. I'm going to suggest what someone on here told me a few years ago: Make EC your home! You are absolutely free to be anything you want here, and we'd love to have you. I know it's not the same as being fully out and about, but it's a real community nonetheless, and a great place to start, or restart... whatever it takes. Please, keep posting and checking in.. whatever it is, good, bad, ugly, we'll be here.
Danielle, I understand how it feels holding back on your transition for years. I've been in the process of transitioning for 7-8 years and now just beginning my transition. I understand how difficult it can be mentally and emotionally to have to wait to transition. It sounds like you're still living at home with your family, have you thought of what you want to do for a career? Do you have plans for post-secondary education? Moving out of your parents house may give you the freedom to finally start the transition process. Finding a good therapist would be beneficial as well as you begin the transition process. Also, there will be more opportunities to swim if that's what you want to do. Don't give up what you love to do just because you don't think you're "fast enough". There's plenty of swim teams out there that would likely accept you.
