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Terrified to come out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Rayland, May 6, 2022.

  1. Rayland

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    I don't know if I actually muster courage to post this, but this is something that has been torning me apart. I constantly keep thinking about it and feel like the right time to come out is getting closer.

    I really want to come out for myself to be happier and it would make it easier for me to actually start real therapy. Right now I'm just seeing a psychiatrist and haven't told him about myself, because every time I have tried, the words I want to say won't come out. Logistically it's a headache, since I haven't told my family. I want to come out first to my psyhiatrist and then maybe it will be easier to tell others. My best friends knows, but isn't too supportive, so I don't talk to her about this, but I'm glad she at least didn't stop talking to me, because of it.

    Even though I'm an adult I still live with my parents who do have disabilities. I help them out at home. In my country it's expected of children to help out their parents, when they are disabled or old. They are kind of overprotective. There are reasons of this. It's because I was always sick and spent a lot of time in the hospital. I feel like it's okay to tell them though and I won't get thrown out of the house, because I help them out, but then again you never know what might happen, when I come out and I just keep imagining the worst case scenarious and my fathers is homophobic too and don't believe in therapy. They are old fashioned and have traditional values. I feel like my mother and sister would be accepting, but it's harder to convince my father. He is stubborn and never listens me. As parents they have been very loving and supportive of me. There were other kids around me, who's parents weren't as good as mine, so I have always considered myself to be lucky.

    Right now I'm dependant on them financially too, but this hopefully changes soon. Renting an apartment is expensive here and living with my parents would help me to save up more too. I'm almost done with school and have some potential places, where I could start working. The pay won't be too high or anything, but this will be good start. I did work in a hospital before this, but my health got in the way of that and I'm a lot happier in this field of work, even though it's more female centered.

    I'm also afraid of getting riddiculed by my family and them not believing me, what is possible. Even though they have told me I can tell them anything and before this all I always told them everything. I never kept any secrets. I'm very much a family person and get lonely easily. The thought of them not accepting me makes me always cry.

    I'm thinking of coming out to my psychiatrist first and then on my birthday during this summer to my parents. On my birthday, because this is when I came out to myself as well. I know I need to have a plan, if it all should go badly and I am working on having one.

    I have high functioning anxiety and get anxiety attacks that sometimes are triggered by my dysphoria.
    Anxiety is what has kept me creating any threads of my own.
     
  2. Sunchimes

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    I’m glad you did post this because so many people here can help and support you through your coming out journey.

    My first thoughts after reading your post was that you’re right! Coming out to your psychiatrist first is a very good idea because then your psychiatrist can help and discuss things with you regarding your LGBT issues.

    Take things slowly, one step at a time. I totally understand your dilemma regarding coming out to your parents. They need you though, and I’m sure they’d support you. However, like you say, you do need a plan and that plan does involve you having a bit of money saved, or at least have a job and be in good health in order to remain working.

    If you do choose to come out to your parents on your birthday then perhaps come out to your mother first and sister. You’ll have them both on your side before you come out to your father.

    But yes, coming out to your psychiatrist first is the best way forward I think. :slight_smile: Good luck!
     
    #2 Sunchimes, May 6, 2022
    Last edited: May 6, 2022
  3. Rayland

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    Thank you @Sunchimes. I just get very anxious whenever I post. I do appreciate this a lot.

    I have thought about telling my mother and sister before my father and do have a letter written, what I did write way before.

    I really do need to think this through well, but I think it's a good idea to come out to my psyhiatrist first as well.

    It just gets really tough to keep on pretending someone I'm not.
     
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  4. Sunchimes

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    I really understand.

    I think you’re going about it all the right way. Also the letter for your mum and sister is the best way to do it as well.

    keep us all updated. I’m sure everything will be ok. Take it slowly. It’s tough, I’ve been there.
     
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  5. Rayland

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    Thank you. I will keep you all updated. I will try take it slowly and be wise about it.
     
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  6. johndeere3020

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    When I first started counseling, I couldn't say the words either. It is ok to write them down and hand the note to your provider. Also, post here. You know that we are all here for one another, hell I have PM ed a couple of the advisors so many times they could very well think I am properly mental. The best way to start feeling better is to talk.
     
    #6 johndeere3020, May 7, 2022
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  7. Rayland

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    That's actually a very good idea to give him a note about it. I didn't think about that. I reccomend it to others too, but doing it myself didn't come to mind. Just thought about giving a letter to my family. I will do that. Thank you.

    And I'm sure they don't think you are mental. Don't worry about that.

    I already feel bit better. Just been in such a mess emotionally.
     
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  8. Sunchimes

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    Awww they would never think you are mental. You’re doing the right thing there.

    I totally agree with you. Talking is the best way to start feeling better :slight_smile:
     
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  9. Rayland

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    This waterworks need to stop though. Been crying since I woke up and checked the messages. I have a lot of emotions piled inside.
     
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  10. johndeere3020

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    Sometimes I think I am mental :slight_smile: I know for a fact that you are not alone. I work with a young guy, 18 years old. His best friend is f to m and has transitioned, also 18. A couple of nights ago I asked my coworker if things were different in high school these days, did one still here queer, fag, ect. He said not so much, however his trans friend got called "it." It's like wtf, the haters always come up with something.

    This is a rural area in a blue midwestern state, crap like shouldn't happen. Stay strong, find your truth. I'm soon going to be 50, hid until 46, things are not perfect, but so much better.
     
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  11. Sunchimes

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    Aww you know I have a good listening ear if ever you need to talk. Message me any time.

    I have been in the position where in my late thirties I needed to come out to everyone. It was absolutely terrifying and I felt ashamed (amongst other emotions). I cried a lot back then. I was a lost soul. I understand you.
     
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  12. johndeere3020

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    It's completely ok to cry, let it out. You are so much stronger than you think you are atm
     
    #12 johndeere3020, May 7, 2022
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  13. Rayland

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    I was a lost soul before I figured out my identity. When I realized it was like all the fog was lifted and I found who I was. My body became a prison and there is like this wall I can't break through to become who I really am and show it to others.

    I was bullied too when I was a kid. School was never a safe place to learn. Things would have problably been so much more worse for me, if I would have come out sooner. I have been denying myself all these years. I finally want to feel like myself and not like i'm a prisoner. I always felt like I didn't fit in.

    My area is conservative and not very lgbtqia+ friendly. There were even politicians who's slogan was to stop lgbtqia+ propaganda in schools and public places.

    I get dysphoria. I hate my body and it also gets triggered by my voice. This is what caused me to have an anxiety attack last time too.

    I'm trying to be strong, but the truth is I'm not strong at all. I'm scared of getting hurt.
     
  14. Sunchimes

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    You’re going through so much. There was a time I identified as non transitioning FTM and even though I now identify as non binary I still get dysphoria. I’ve learned to deal with this over time but for me it’s the invisibility of my boy side that causes me distress.

    For you, I’d imagine that invisibility of your true self is what is completely causing you so much upset (as well as the coming out part).

    It’s worse when you aren’t out because it shoves you into the invisibility box even more. Absolutely nobody knows who you really are because they can’t see it and they’re not informed either. So you’re totally alone with it all.

    Im glad you’re here, because you can get support. Never be afraid to post your own threads. It’s good to be able to talk and share these issues with others who understand.
     
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  15. Rayland

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    You got it spot on. The support I get here in the EC is invaluable to me. If I wouldn't have discovered this forum, then I wouldn't have anyone to talk about any of this. Thank you all very much.
     
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  16. TinyWerewolf

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    I'm proud of you for making this thread, I know it was difficult for you, Rain. You already noted the best advice I could give: have a plan. I didn't have one because I wasn't going to come out when I was found out, and that has been a disaster. I know you won't make my mistake though, and I wish you the best in this chapter of your life. You've got this, Rain. :wink:
     
  17. Rayland

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    Thank you Jack. Thank you for listening my ramblings, when you have such a difficult time too. Just wish I could be more helpful to you.

    I am planning to write out a step to step plan and maybe following that will help me reach where I want to be faster. First I do need a stable job, this will be the main thing for now and saving up as much as I can.
     
  18. TinyWerewolf

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    I wouldn't call this or anything you've said to me rambling. And don't you even think about discrediting yourself just because life didn't go my way either.

    That step by step plan would give you a good idea of what to do, we can help you workshop it too.
     
  19. Rayland

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    I didn't mean to discredit myself, but it all isn't hopeless for you either.

    I just don't know how long I can keep being quiet. Today my father commented on my clothing choice on how it don't make me look feminine at all and I had hard time not just bursting out that that's the point.

    My steps so far include:

    1. telling my psyhiatrist;
    2. find a job;
    3. save up as much as possible (this will take me the longest time);

    I don't know what else to put here though. I also do have my country's lgbtqia+ center contacts. In the begginning they provided me, with Estonian lgbtqia+ community forum and discord link and with a list of all the lgbtqia+ friendly therapists in different cities. I guess I need to find out what more they offer. I do know they offer councelling, but this will be last resort. A backup plan.
     
  20. TinyWerewolf

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    You could add things like gaining financial literacy (it's on my list somewhere), that way you use the money you earned to the best of your advantage. It couldn't hurt to research the housing in your area if possible either.