troubled identity

3. Physical state, trying to work out... just a little... but failing and failing
Over the last years, I could literally watch my body degrade. From feeling young and healthy not sooo many years ago, it seems to me like I aged 100 years especially within the last 6 years. Not about my hair this time, but literally about my physical condition. 40 is just a number, and like 6 years ago, I had a phase when I was fit as hell. (That was a pretty nice transformation within 4 months then). But since then everything went down and down and down.

I gained 40 pounds (while losing muscle, that means gained even more fat than 40 pounds), developed some asthma, and am tired and exhausted all the time. Stressed out, spending 8 days a week behind my desk. Day and night. Drained to the bone for at least the last 2 years in a row. Burn-out. Where even a 3 month time-out last summer didn't help recover at all.

I had started taking slow and careful walks outside again. But after 20 minutes got blisters all over my soles, no matter which shoes I was wearing. So I had to tape 'em beforehand everything I "spontaneously" wanted to go out in the sun, and stepping into clouds and rain when I had finished preparation. But I pushed through. After some weeks of walking, I tried slow and careful running. Running had been a passion in my younger years (used to do 80-100 km/week at competition pace back then), but I knew my body had changed, so I started like almost walking pace, as slow as possible... planned on 10 minute sessions for a start. But had to stop after 3 minutes with cramps in my calves and my feet getting numb. Returning home, having asthma for the rest of the day. (Been to the doctors, but they haven't found the cause so far, stopped going there, frustrated). Tried to stick with jogging last summer. Maybe doing 20 minutes at some point... but NO improvement over weeks, and weeks.

Then I remembered, I do own all kinds of dumbbells and a pull-up rack from my athletic times. And I know like 30 different bodyweight exercises, also scaled down for beginners. On some of the few days when I felt a little less fatugue than normally, I made up my mind, to do a set of push-up, air squats, crunches, calve raises. I loved all of them years ago.... and had to stop after ONE repetition. This is so frustrating. And also doesn't improve over time.

And adds fuel to my overall depressive state with all the above mentioned before: Loneliness, exhaustion, insomnia, brainfog, bodyshaming for baldness plus lately now gaining more and more bellyfat. Everything becomes to much.

I'll give it a break for now. Maybe someone has some magical words that can give a little hope or new ideas.

 

Hey Jack,

thank you. Well, at least my mother is kind of proud of me, actually for "whatever I am", or just the way I am, or let's say, for what she sees in me. They both always wanted the best for me, but that meant becoming a "copy" of their attitude and beliefs about life. And rather than waiting for my parents to "wake up", I want to learn somehow that their opinion about me, their appreciation for my passions (which they plain and simply cannot understand), are not the most important.

Yes, people want to be "understood" by their loved ones. And that is what I always missed. But as they won't see it in the end, I'm trying to find a way to accept and still love them without giving me that appreciation, or even standing in my way for the longest part of my life. I know they did the best they could, in their ways, though the effect was quite contraproductive, it was never in bad intention.

What I'm still angry about is that (especially my father) never even tried to take me seriously whenever my views differed from his. Then there was immediately a war going on, which I always lost.

 

Hello Beth,

You are right. And, yes, I know this so much. It's just - and this schould not act as an excuse - that I think (being so down that I can hardly do a household), I "at least" can focus on the exams and exams, which are coming on an almost weekly basis since 14 months now. Savings I have barely, and housing costs exploded here lately. But I do have a plan on getting a (better) job that could really pay my rent (in a place I would like).

Uhm, "back into running" is put too positively. I tried last summer for almost 4 months in a row, and - for the first time in my life - I did not make any progress over that time, which was extremely frustrating. Generally, running is something I'd rather do alone, and enjoy the calm of nature surrounding me. But currently, when I try: My calves cramp, my feet get numb, and I have asthmatic problems for the rest of the day then

A different option would be getting back to Tennis. I loved playing tennis in my teens, stopped over 20 years ago. And though I find it tempting, my overall physical constitution these days is SO bad, that I'd be afraid to get injured in the very first session. I need much more stability in my muscles, joints... one thing is, I could join the local gym again, yes. It "all" seems so overwhelmingly much right now. It's stress and burn-out and fatigue wherever I look around. And just no light at the end of the tunnel.

There are... not many, few of them good... but in comes here, that I'm an okay singer (at least I was before losing my entire falsetto voice for over a year now), but my "talent" actually lies in composing stuff that I (as a single person by myself) cannot present on stage live. Normally, if I wasn't so stressed out, fatigue and depressed, I'd be the "perfect lockdown musician", spending 99% of his time recording stuff at home, that's "my thing". Instead, all I can do whenever insomnia had mery once a while and let me have a good night of sleep, I try to keep up with learning for my next exam... that's lonely.

Especially of my physical health being extremely unsteady, I can hardly plan reliably. This always makes everything a hasty chase...

 

Hello again...

Hm... I really developed some social anxiety, I suppose. And I noticed that intensely again, today.

Actually I had personally e-mailed a person who does both fitness and mental coaching. The spectrum she offered really impressed me, had a very friendly online presence and is into several fields of interest and methods that could really be a very good match for my situation

Today she got back to me for a first phone call, but when at the phone I totally struggled to express what's my issues... although I've done this for years and years. I was nervous and unstructured so that still after 20 mins of call, I had hardly been able to say what's the matter and what my goals are. This was maybe the worst phone call I ever did.

Well, I don't know if that mattered in any way, but I must have sounded like a total creep. When at the end she told me about the pricing aspect (which was unclear till then) we agreed I'd sleep on it and get back to her when I have made up my mind. The price she called (for the smallest plan) was actually - like maybe typical in the "life coaching" branche? - dizzying... for someone who feels down in life, seeking help (but I almost had estimated that before...)

You'd pay like 2500 USD in advance for 3 months... (while wages/prices around here in my country are like 60% of USA niveau, so it feels like and equivalent of rather 4000 USD for 3 months... being one of many clients)... and being so unfocussed in that phone call I even forget to ask what exactly that plan would include (like how many sessions, when/... where/how ... online/mails/reallife?...).
So I messaged her shortly afterwards, if she could give me a rough estimate about this missing info, and she replied she can only give it to me this info after I have made up my mind. So... in a nutshell, is one supposed to buy a cat in a bag? Not even knowing to which extend (how many sessions/how intensely) one would be coached? Thus can this only be for the upper class, for whom a random (blind) investment of thousands of bugs is a no-brainer? But not for people who really struggle in their lifes? What's the situation like in places where you live? (Maybe I'm just spoiled as normally mental health treatments are mostly covered by healthcare here?)

Though I still think that this particular coach would be a good, friendly and skilled person to work with, I'm feeling bad for having been so unfocussed in that call, even annoying or deterrent maybe... and that otherwise, we would have gotten to the point where she'd told me more details already on the phone.

I had laid some hope in that over the last days... and encounters like that make me feel super small about myself, worthless, and ruined at least my whole day so far. With no limit in that "falling". Turning the hope (about finally doing something!) and motivation I had put into that, into yet another loser's moment, feeling useless and down before it could even start to get better

 

...and what annoys (and hurts) me on days like these, is this repeating realization that the world/market/society is split into producers and consumers, entrepreneurs and clients, artists and spectators, inventors and users... I was born a producer, an artist, a creative nature... and then I was broken... and to come back on the active side again I have to manifest myself in the client status even more. I don't wanna be just a customer, just a client for someone who's making a living and profit from the suffering of others. Especially when you're not paying per session (which might be okay), but a big (called smallest) plan in advanced... even more if you pick a succesful, well-known coach.

I don't wanna end up in that passive customer/consumer situation. That's runs back to where I started this thread, an identity problem. I just wanna be me again, feel "natural" again, with at least some of those demons gone. Wanna get back on "eye-level" with active people, leading in interesting of ideas of my own, like it was meant to be. Arousing each others genuine interest. And not be just another client.

My family has always been happy with this client state: While other people write books, shoot movies, paint pictures, record music... my family buys books, watches movies, hangs pictures and listens to (cheesy) music. That is just what I want to break free from (again, I succeeded once, maybe twice... but am so away from heaving that hope and strength again.)

 

Just for the record...couldn't edit this, but that here a complete chunk of text got mixed up, so it sounds strange. Should read:
"Living an interesting life of ideas of my own, like it was meant to be"

 

Hey chicodeoro,

Well, they do pay for counseling by an approved psychotherapist (which I do have) and by a psychiatrist (which I have to). So I was putting in my remark, that I might be "spoiled" by the system, as I remember from what I've seen from US politics (for example) that Bernie Sanders fought passionately for a system that we might take for granted here, while maybe Americans would have to pay for "any" kind of mental counseling, I don't know. But if the counseler is not state-approved (like that potential "coach" would be) the client has to by everything by themselves.

Maybe at least a starting point, yes. I even still have a gym subscription running where I could also go. But...:

I think I know exactly what you mean. And it can keep you from being overwhelmed by an avalanche of problems breaking in from all sides. However, this is a point where I personally have negative experience with: It is right that you might solve one of the issues by that strategy, which already sounds very promissing at first. So over time, problems should get less. From my experience, however, when I do focus of one problem at a time, I neglect the others so badly that they grow over my head when I return to them. Like with my physics degree: I've spent literally (many) month in a row behind my desk and allowed zero time for singing, fitness and so on. So I guess an important thing for my is not to dig aaaaall the way into one thing, but rather keep a healthy balance... but that is so much easier said than done. if it is right at all...

I had long phases were I felt, the "only" way to push through my assignments (always renning way behind schedule already!) would be to not take a break, and spend 200% of my left-over energy in that field - of course it's unhealthy, I know that. And it is also not exactly would you meant. For some other trouble, however, I don't even get close to solving them, even if I spend all my time on it... those might be aspects one should learn to "accept", I know... some of them still don't wanna be buried.

Realising that lots of things are wrong! Realising this over a course of about 10 years now, on a daily basis with NOT finding the decisive way out. That can be grueling. Had a breakdown last night thinking I would NEVER find a way out. One gets used to this pattern: Try and fail... try and fail again... and again, and again.. at some point even the subconscious part of the mind doesn't find any "connection" anymore, that trial could lead to succes at all... I've noticed this with myself. And I really didn't like it. Like it doesn't seem logical AT ALL - from experience - that effort will eventually be connected with a solution.