Well, hello. I'm currently 15 and since a bit (a week) I began questioning my gender. To be honest, when I imagine the future, I prefer thinking of myself as a girl. But it's mostly due to aesthetic and the fact that I find my genitals almost useless (good only to pee while standing up and the hormone or idk that makes you feel good after playing with it). I find it even quite a burden due to the huge bump that it makes and the times it becomes hard for no reason. For now at least, i have absolutely no desire to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, even less of getting kids later in life. I also learned that apparently testosterone can cause baldness. I don't really take care of my hair but I like it long. So it's just a useless thing that can make me go bald and is sometimes a burden for the advantage that I can pee while standing up, and even then sometimes I just sit. Anyway, the aesthetic, I want to look cute and not handsome (I find myself a little bit ugly anyway) in a girl way. The only things that makes me doubt about whether I'm trans or not are the reasons why I want to transition and the fact that I don't want big boobs or big ass (though I find I already have one that is a bit too big). The only "signs" I could think of when I was younger was my "obsession" with gender bending fictions that really began young (and a time where i was obsessed with mermaids and wanted to be able to transform into one. Though idk if that's related) and the quite clear time where I kept searching about ways to become a girl, like hypnosis, prying or whatever i could do. i stopped only when my sister approached me and said something along the line "so... how to become a girl ?" and i thought it was a bad thing. She and I never told my parents about it. Now idk if that was good. Along with a few times in middle school where, after reading gender bending fictions, tried to wish for it to happens to me. Also how I disliked when they cut class into girl group and boy group. Related or not, the way I keep playing with female characters (whether that is first person or third person viewpoint). And how I didn't like (still don't like but I ignore it) my deepening voice and my height. I'm not really tall for a boy, but I sure am the second tallest in my family (fourth but I never see the other two) and wouldn't mind losing a few cm. Just to be sure, my opinion may change but for now I really hate make up. So, thanks for reading me and do you have any advice to be surer if I'm trans or something else ?
I can totally understand your situation - as I experienced something very similar several months ago, so here is an important lesson I've learned. Many people try to find their label (trans, non-binary, etc) before they start experimenting with names, pronouns, and gender expression. However, I've found that it's much better to do this in reverse - to experiment with gender expression before you try to find a label, for two reasons. For one thing, it's possible to imagine how you would like living as one gender, but you never truly know how much you like it until you experiment in the real world. For example, you can imagine how much you would like being called she/her or they/them, but you can never know which one you prefer until you try it in the real world. When you experiment with different gender expressions, you don't need to come out to everyone - you could just try going by a different name and pronoun set with your close friends, make your online avatars female, and other things like that. Also, at the end of the day, labels don't even matter that much. Unless you've come out to someone, what you internally identify as will not change people's perceptions of you - that is, once again, down to your name, pronouns, and gender expression. Anyway, I hope this advice helped. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me, as I have been through what you are going through now, so I understand what it's like.
Thanks for the advice. I don't think I can do it irl though. I don't have any close friends, to try pronouns and name with so I think I will try online. I kinda like the name I came up a few years ago of "Alphea". I don't think it would work as a real name though but it works online. But in term of gender expression, I can only think of doing it online. I tried voice training though I always forget about it. Maybe it's because I don't have a routine or something. And in term of clothing... I don't know. The only thing I do about clothing is taking the first that comes in my hand and use it as long as it's comfortable. I just don't much about gender expression, i just searched about it on google just now .
If you can't experiment with names and pronouns irl, doing this online is just fine. When I started experimenting, I did it mostly online - people in real life only played a small role in this process. However, if you want to start involving real people, a great idea is to see if your school has a gender and sexuality alliance, gay-straight alliance, or something along those lines. People in these clubs will have been through what you are going through, so they will be very accepting, open-minded, and flexible about your situation.
I never heard of a lgbt club in my school, so it's possible that there is none. I'm only saying "possible" because I didn't search what my school does exactly. Just know that they have club (idk what clubs) and quite unique options. But thank you I will see if there and just try pronouns and name online
