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How do you ease dysphoria when you're in the closet?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by TinyWerewolf, Jan 12, 2022.

  1. TinyWerewolf

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    It's the people I live with that make me want to stay anonymous- Mom has threatened to out me before and y'all know how transphobes tend to be. No one is ever going to see my face or hear my speaking voice during performances if everything goes according to plan. I can't be outed(or have my music career ruined by that) if no one knows who I am. Voice dysphoria is a major problem for me though.
     
  2. Mihael

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    Uh, not worth it, imo, if you pick something like that, the degree and then job is going to be super hard.

    Me neither. Both take a lot of patience for people and lots of resilience in difficult situations.

    They're worth it, but it does take a lot of patience, you sure become independent quicker with other degrees.

    It seems like a good school. Ivy league type schools are extremely competitive and expensive, true. You can always apply for a Master's degree or a PhD. This way, you would approach it in a less survival fashion and more like an adventure. At least, this is what I thought about this. I don't thrive in extremely competitive environments.
     
  3. Y2B

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    No, I didn't mean a court or anything like that. I wanted your parents to realize that they abusing their parental rights. A cold shower like this could change something in their heads.
     
    #63 Y2B, Jan 20, 2022
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2022
  4. TinyWerewolf

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    I doubt they'll change if I'm being real, but I can appreciate the sentiment.

    The patience I have, maybe even resilience just a touch, I'm just too squeamish and too anxious. And also being dumb in math is an issue of course. I've got the willpower, just my limits are already being pushed. I've got to take calculated risks when it comes to a career though and right now I'm afraid. I could do UX Design I suppose. Music and maybe art are all I'm really good at. And reading ciphers.
     
  5. Mihael

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    Offtopic, but... I don't really mean willpower, I also have it, but it's not that I'm insensitive to things like people being severely ill or... lawyers need to be outspoken, I can be if I need to, but it's not something I can do everyday. The thing with willpower is that you have to overcome your natural tendencies, and you won't be as good as someone who has the right temperament for something. And it will use you up long term.

    Also, there is very little math in both medicine and law. I doubt there is any math at all in law, and in medicine there is just statistics, I think. But then again, both are tough in several ways.

    You can always learn it in the meantime, take a course or two. UX is very intuitive. Definitely not a topic for a degree. (I work in IT, btw) Oh, many people who do it have a humanities degree.
     
  6. TinyWerewolf

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    From the little I know about it I think I could do UX. I wish I could shadow somebody, but I don't know any UX designers.
     
  7. TinyWerewolf

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    So I got some positive news a couple days back: my friend's parents are cool with me moving in with them. They're still talking over the terms. Now I'm kind of scared to leave though, I'm not sure if I'm ready to leave my family behind. Maybe this makes me crazy but I still love them after all of this.
     
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  8. Jakebusman

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    You do whats best for you
     
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  9. chicodeoro

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    First of all, that's fabulous news, TinyWerewolf! I'm so happy for you.

    It's completely normal to feel trepidatious in your situation. Leaving home - at whatever age - is a big thing. But, to use an olde self help cliche, feel the fear and do it anyway. If you were to turn down this chance to escape and be the person you want to be you'll kick yourself.

    Telling them will be difficult. But when it all comes down to it, whilst you may still love them, they are refusing to recognise the real you and attempting to control you. Making that break will undoubtedly be painful, but long term it's the right thing to do.

    Good luck!

    Beth x
     
    #69 chicodeoro, Jan 30, 2022
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2022
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  10. TinyWerewolf

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    I think part of it is I still question myself a lot sometimes. I haven't been able to experiment or present as myself since college, I've never been able to pass. This unaccepting enviornment doesn't help either. The things I've been told by my family over time make me so angry and hurt, but . I still give what they've said careful thought. So I'm afraid I'll make the wrong choice.
     
  11. Y2B

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    I'm happy you got a chance to be free, but I understand your worries. If something goes wrong will you have a place to be? Will your angry parents take you back? You must discuss everything with your friend's parents. They must know how serious this decision is for your future.
     
    #71 Y2B, Jan 30, 2022
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  12. TinyWerewolf

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    I think they kind of know, but maybe not to the degree of how it is here. I've known them for seven years now. My best friend and another close friend (their daughter) thought I was dead for a while there.
     
  13. chicodeoro

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    That's only natural, especially in the environment where you are now. I still question myself loads even though it's 20 months now since I had my gender revelation.

    The thing to do is to listen to your heart (another cliche!). Remember how you've felt in the past when you've presented as your chosen gender. Now think how you'd feel if you had to present and live as female for the rest of your life.

    Feeling scared is only natural, but it sounds like your friend and her family will catch you if you do fall. And you have us here on EC too.

    Beth x
     
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  14. TinyWerewolf

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    Yeah I guess y'all are right, I really wish I didn't have to choose. I guess I still have some time to try to make more good memories with them though, I'm not leaving here before I buy a reliable car on my own since my parents own mine and I work about forty-five minutes away.
     
  15. Jakebusman

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    Hope you get it all figured out
     
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  16. TinyWerewolf

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    Thank you River. :slight_smile:
     
  17. TinyWerewolf

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    An update: I've been struggling a lot with many problems. One is that my brother is moving out, so it will be me, my parents, and my dog. The good news there is my friend's parents are ready for me to give them a time frame for me to move in anytime. I just don't want to lose my family and be wrong about being trans. One of the things my mom has said to me is, "You'll never be happy as long as you're living like that." What if she's right and I lose my nieces and nephew, my dog, and my whole family (and she outs me) for nothing? Although on the other hand they'd probably be angry with me for dating a woman anyway if they knew I was, and I absolutely will not tolerate or allow them to mistreat her or berate us for loving each other.

    I've been on an emotional rollercoaster ride for three weeks probably, give or take. I thought my girlfriend might not love me anymore (I was a wreck to say the least, glad I was very wrong there), my dog was sick, and I wanted to hide from the world because I was sad and lonely and dysphoric. I tried to hold in my emotions again even when everything felt like Satan himself was torturing me. I really have to quit doing that, bottling it up does me no good. I feel somewhat better now.
     
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  18. chicodeoro

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    Good to hear from you TinyWerewolf. One dictum that I lived my life by, when I have found myself with dilemmas like yours, is to say to myself 'well, if I'm wrong I can always change my mind'. Obviously, there are certain things this doesn't cover (like having a child or getting a tattoo) but in general it's important to know that there is an escape route and that it is perfectly acceptable to take it if things don't work out.

    And if you're wrong about being trans? Well, so what? It was a phase. And there is nothing wrong in that.

    Everyone has doubts when presented with a major life change. It's completely natural. But in my five decades plus I have never once regretted walking through an open door to see what's on the other side. That's how we grow as humans.

    Do keep us updated. We're all rooting for you here, TinyWerewolf.

    Beth x
     
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  19. TinyWerewolf

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    I think I'll need therapy and people around me not to push me one way or the other to figure it out. I'm a little gender nonconforming at the very least, even if I'm not trans (and I'd love not having breasts either way, I don't like having them). I don't know if I've just gone back to repressing my feelings (like when I hear my dead name or "she/her") due to unacceptance or if I'm not trans. I just want the chance to try things out and no one judges me or tries to influence me. If I could just automatically be one or the other I think I'd be male but I don't know. (I'd be more comfortable wearing whatever I want too- I love the way long cardigans and certain dangly earrings look on men but I can't pass in those or pull them off sadly. I'm not tall enough and my face isn't chisled enough/ the right shape.)
     
    #79 TinyWerewolf, Mar 5, 2022
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2022
  20. TinyWerewolf

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    Something else I forgot to mention in that is that I can't seem to imagine my future anymore. It's a bit easier to try doing so as a man rather than a woman, but none of it ever seems like it could ever be real (spending time with my girlfriend and not having to worry about anyone else keeping us apart is the exception).

    Thank y'all for listening, and thank you @chicodeoro for your advice. :purple_heart: