1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Help me understand please

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by GazesToClouds, Jan 16, 2022.

  1. GazesToClouds

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2021
    Messages:
    111
    Likes Received:
    29
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    For some background im male and 21, only been in one relationship before with a girl. For the past few years have been coming to the realisation that i might be Bi as i frequently think and fantasise about being intimate with people of both genders (im not saying that to be non-inclusive i love and respect all peoples but for the purpose of this post i just wanted to make it simple so it confuses me less).

    As i said its been a few years now maybe 2 and a half, but since coming to EC ive read other peoples posts about similar problems and keep seeing the term OCD come up, i just dont really understand where the line is thats separating OCD and differing sexual orientation. I guess i think of myself as Bi or at the very least not straight, but with all this talk of OCD i guess im just a little worried that im instead just having some sort of mental thing thang.

    If anyone could please explain the difference to me that would be much appreciated :grin:
     
  2. masterofnone

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2021
    Messages:
    145
    Likes Received:
    51
    Location:
    Mars
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    As someone with ocd I think the line comes from the anxiety levels, checking, testing etc. for example I feel anxious and scared of being with a man where as a gay man who might not have come to terms with it may feel curious and interested for example. This is a very simplified explanation
     
    BiGemini87 likes this.
  3. BiGemini87

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    1,485
    Likes Received:
    1,318
    Location:
    Pembroke, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    What @masterofnone said. While someone awakening to their non-heterosexual orientation might still experience anxiety/fear regarding it, there should be an element of curiosity involved as well.

    Some questions that might help you work it out:

    When you fantasize about both men and women, do you draw inspiration from real people you've taken notice of? Have you ever looked at another guy and been attracted/become aroused? If so, has it been similar/the same to how you experience attraction to women, or completely different? If you look back on the early years of your life (or the earliest you can remember), do you recall any of your crushes? If you remember any of the girls, perhaps it will help you remember a boy or two that inspired the same feelings.

    I hope this helps, and if you have any other questions about OCD, maybe get in touch with either @quebec or @Chip. They both have a wealth of knowledge on the subject, and if it is something you suffer from, they can help you find ways to work through it.
     
    masterofnone likes this.
  4. masterofnone

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2021
    Messages:
    145
    Likes Received:
    51
    Location:
    Mars
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I suppose the source of anxiety is a little different. For me an ocd sufferer the anxiety is mainly due to the fact that it feels like I have to do something I don’t want to do rather than how others will view me. I’m sure there are those who go through similar anxiety I guess but that’s what I’ve gathered.
     
  5. Sadness

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2020
    Messages:
    476
    Likes Received:
    72
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I have ocd too and i am someone who already tested a lot with man. I already got hard and still do sometimes when i force to test about doing a bj to a guy.

    But the thing is that i dont want to think about that, i force myself to do it

    So after a lot of discussion here chip and the others helped me realizing i have ocd and need to treat it.

    So i hope people here can help you figure out more about yourself
     
  6. GazesToClouds

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2021
    Messages:
    111
    Likes Received:
    29
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Right i guess i kinda get it, so its more like being anxious about it and having negative thoughts about it and being unable to accept yourself? As to your questions, Yes and yes, but i guess there are some differences, as ive never been with another guy before (romantically or sexually) i find it more difficult to imagine how things would go as i have no experience to go on, i guess i usually imagine them taking a more dominant role (i guess because i find that quite attractive in a man) they also almost exclusively are physically larger than me taller and more built (to be fair, its not hard im a shorty) and i guess with women im attracted to a larger variety of body types (i still have a preference for people taller than me, i guess thats just one of those things) but i guess that might be because up until recently ive never really allowed myself to even consider the fact that i might not be straight, since now that im an adult ive finally grown to a point i can no longer be influenced by the old fashioned thinking of my family.

    I can only really vaguely remember two my childhood crushes and they were both girls, there was maybe one guy but as i said when i was younger that sort of thought wasnt "encouraged" (my family isnt outright homophobic but there are some off comments if you listen hard enough, and most of them especially the older members are quite religious Catholics . . . need i say more) I was certainly never told that two men loving each other was acceptable until i was much older.

    But as for me right now im single as a pringle and i would be willing to test the waters with a guy, i think, maybe. But meeting people is hard, talking to them is even harder. I get super anxious meeting new people so talking to people i find attractive is exceedingly difficult, especially since ive never talked to anyone even my friends about this kind of thing, not in person at least. I guess that a problem for another post haha
     
  7. GazesToClouds

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2021
    Messages:
    111
    Likes Received:
    29
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Right . . . so its the act of being gay thats the issue that caused the anxiety for OCD whereas for me it would be the act of going out there to try, because its new and new things are scary and id be worried about perception, performance, actually talking to them etc etc? is that kinda what you meant? Sorry if im getting this all wrong.

    To echo what masterofnone said (using a bj as an example) it would be anxiety of having to give the Bj because you dont want to compared to being anxious about giving a Bj because its something you have never done before and dont wanna cock it up (im not sorry :grin:) as well as (in my case) the fact it would be like losing my "gay virginity" which would also cause me some anxiety. Or am i misunderstanding?
     
  8. GazesToClouds

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2021
    Messages:
    111
    Likes Received:
    29
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    So suffering from OCD is like having purely anxious anxiety (i know that sounds dumb let me explain) so its like anxiety but being specifically negative and painful versus a guy who is anxious about being with another guy for the first time who is anxious but also excited and apprehensive and eager all at the same time which is more like a "positive anxiety" versus a "purely anxious anxiety".

    Is that kinda it (explained in probably the worst possible way)?
     
    masterofnone likes this.
  9. masterofnone

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2021
    Messages:
    145
    Likes Received:
    51
    Location:
    Mars
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    With your two comments you’ve described it very well. Personally I would have anxiety about sucking a guys dick because it’s something I really don’t want to do tbh. Not about how I’ll perform. I DONT WANT TO PERFORM AT ALL hahah. So yeh you’ve got a good understanding
     
  10. Sadness

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2020
    Messages:
    476
    Likes Received:
    72
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Yeah kind of, i cant say for sure why i do started having responses like getting hard when testing myself. You see, i've been on ocd for 4 years now i've always tested forcing fantasies with men, and i didnt get hard, but suddenly one day i started getting hard for some reason, can't say if it's because of too much exposure, or too much stimulation that my mind just recognize it as arousal now, dont know.

    But we talked a lot and they always said is ocd, and now that im getting better i agree with them that is ocd

    So its kind what you said.
     
  11. BiGemini87

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    1,485
    Likes Received:
    1,318
    Location:
    Pembroke, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Sort of. You can/will find overlap between the two: there are people with OCD of all orientations, after all, and a lot of gay/bi individuals experience negative emotions surrounding their orientations at the start. But basically, if you have a genuine interest, attraction and desire for the same sex, it's indicative that you aren't straight, regardless of any difficult emotions to the contrary.

    All of this seems pretty indicative of you being bisexual, or at the very least, open to experiencing something outside of societal norms. The difference in attraction is pretty common; it was more way of seeing if the differences fell to aesthetic attraction, or if it went deeper. From this, it seems pretty in-depth; as much as your attraction and preferences regarding women. :slight_smile:

    We share some common ground, here. I didn't take much notice of my same-sex crushes either, because the possibility of such a thing was beyond my ken. Your home life, by the sounds of it, contributed to the suppression of your feelings. Or so this is my take.

    The fact that your open to the idea speaks volumes. Obviously I can't tell you what label to use or anything of the such, but it seems to me that you are attracted to both sexes, and perhaps now are even reaching a point where you're becoming comfortable with the idea. If you do indeed have OCD, it doesn't seem to be impacting your view of having a non-straight sexual orientation. :slight_smile:
     
    masterofnone likes this.
  12. GazesToClouds

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2021
    Messages:
    111
    Likes Received:
    29
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    OK well that sounds positive, and makes me less concerned about the possibility that i might be suffering from OCD. But i certainly do have a desire to at least try being with another guy. Id say you are probably right about my home life as a kid. Being gay/queer just wasnt something we had in our family and still dont as far as i know (unless you count me) so it was just never really something that was talked about or brought up. Youre right i think i am reaching a stage where i am comfortable with accepting the fact im not straight, i think this has a bit to do with me finally deciding that my parents views arent the be all end all if that makes sense. Im growing out my hair (like ive always wanted), ive got a job so im free to have some independence with how i spend which has helped me explore my sexual preferences with toys (because i actually have an income thats my own and can just order whatever i want) and the fact that i actually have people here on EC who are willing to help me understand myself (because good lord i cant do that all by myself haha) So thank you so much for helping me <3 <3
     
    BiGemini87 likes this.
  13. GazesToClouds

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2021
    Messages:
    111
    Likes Received:
    29
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    But i think im at the point im ready to at least try to find someone to explore these feeling with, i think it would be easier than trying to work it out alone, just not really sure where to start with that tho
     
  14. BiGemini87

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    1,485
    Likes Received:
    1,318
    Location:
    Pembroke, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    No problem, I'm glad I've been of some help. As to where to start? I don't really have the answers. All I can recommend is taking your time, being sure of what you want, and should you find someone where the feelings are mutual, communicating with them what your needs/wants are. The rest has a way of sorting itself out. :slight_smile:
     
  15. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    One of the best ways to dip your toes in is to look for groups or activities where gay men congregate. I don't know if meetup.com has a large presence where you are, but in many areas, they have groups specifically for gay men, dedicated to different things like hiking, sports, board games, potlucks, movie nights, book clubs, and the like. Or you might have an LGBT center near you. These can be great opportunities to go and meet new people without expectations of dating or hookups or the like. This is, of course, more complicated during Covid, but there are safe outdoor activities that many are engaging in.

    Of course, you can also try out the hookup apps, but I don't recommend that, as it's easy to get hurt or manipulated or worse. For the same reason, I generally don't recommend gay bars, clubs, etc because those tend to be meat markets.

    A big part of it is simply opening yourself up to possibility and putting yourself out there.
     
  16. GazesToClouds

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2021
    Messages:
    111
    Likes Received:
    29
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    See i really want to just try something like that but i just am petrified of actually doing it, its like i just cant take the leap. and i dont really know how to get over that, especially since it would also be my first IRL lLGBT experience, as ive never really had anything to do the wider community except here in EC as ive been completely closeted (still am but not as much i guess)
     
  17. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I totally relate to what you're saying, and I can absolutely remember feeling the exact same way. It seems insurmountable and terrifying.

    One way you might start is to talk with one of our advisors. Sometimes just talking one-on-one with someone online can help you realize it's not quite as scary as you think. Especially if it's a social event and not a date or going to a bar or something where there's an expectation it easier to make the jump to in-person conversations.
     
    BiGemini87 likes this.
  18. GazesToClouds

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2021
    Messages:
    111
    Likes Received:
    29
    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I have had a bit of a look at some groups around my area but i still am not sure i could just do it, even if its a more social thing. Maybe chatting to an advisor is a good idea, how do i go about that? I thought you couldnt do private messages without a full membership
     
  19. BiGemini87

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    1,485
    Likes Received:
    1,318
    Location:
    Pembroke, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Between regular and full members, this is true--but when it comes to staff, there's an exception. :slight_smile: