Hello, my name is Skoldor, and I am new here but i thought it would be nice to receive some advice and feedback on my situation. (": As a toddler i never really cared about my gender, i think because i had not developed yet, and I was not aware of lgbtq community. but as i grew, i noticed i was experiencing a slow growing dysphoria about my body (especially my chest, which i dont even want to touch or look at) which correlated with the rate at which certain parts developed. :'c I don't want to eat as much because i want my body to stop growing, but I can't do that because i value my own safety and health, and i have no self restraint. I still can't imagine a future where i don't get top surgery to remove them, but i don't know if that means i am nonbinary or trans male for sure. but the thing is, i always get a pit in my stomach when i am forced into situations related to my assigned gender, and when people call me a girl or use she/her pronouns. I dont like the lockeroom since it shoves in my face that "i am a girl", and i dont like when people assume i am comfortable talking to them about things typically associated with girls like perfume or underwear clothes. I can say with confidence that the recent week where i got a period was the worst series of events i have experienced in my entire life. I didn't leave my room all day, not because i thought it was physically inconvenient, but because it traumatized me and vastly contrasted the way i felt about myself. i hate my high pitched voice and how the way i talk is feminine, but i struggle with training my voice because I can't seem to relax and i fear people will notice that I'm trying to change my voice. : ( I have hated my name for as long as i can remember, i always said it was "too girly". I don't know if some of this is a result of my crippling self esteem, or my loss of trust in society, but i feel like not everything i am feeling can just be brushed off as a phase or a result of growth. I wish that gender wasn't a thing because all it does is give me trouble. i told my parents about how i feel and they are supportive, but they are very bad at using the right pronouns. it makes me upset and it sticks out to me like a sore thumb, but i am being patient. I just started therapy with someone who is apparently well versed in the lgbtq feild, but I don't know how it will go because I feel so hopeless and i dont even want to be okay with being female. i fear of being told that this is just my bad self esteem, or i just want to not be a girl, but that doesnt mean i can just stop being one. I dont want to embrace a shell that i despise. : ( but i have to rationalize this, they seem nice and they did not dismiss me when i said i wanted to stop the period by next time. I am sorry for a long and pessimistic message, im not sure if anyone will even read this, but i thank you so much if you have read this far. I would be grateful for anyone's response. i am not sure if i have somehow just convinced myself i am not a girl, or if this is even real or not, but i can't seem to be okay with staying in a state like this. : (
It seems like you're still very young, there is no rush for FtM folks, testosterone gives good effects at any age. There is plenty of time to get to know yourself. Being female can be tough at times. All the men attracted to you can be annoying and periods are no fun. As for periods, do you take painkillers? Do you use menstrual products that do their job and feel comfortable? Sometimes young folks don't realize how to take proper care of themself while on period or when having a PMS. Nowadays I barely notice that I have periods, but that was life-disorganising when I was a teenager. What also added to my discomfort was others talking about periods as if everyone's body was the same and as if there were one size fits all solutions. So I got told that I didn't need to take the painkillers that I needed to feel fine and leaking pads added to the anxiety, I had to discover for myself that tampons were an option even if you were a virgin and got told that you need to wear skirts and stay in bed and not do any sport while on period (nonsense). People talk a lot of nonsense about periods and create weird pressures around them, so I would encourage you to ask yourself what you need while on period and not care about "the standard". Periods really can be a barely noticable if you take care of yourself the right way. Of course, puberty is more difficult if you don't anticipate it as a reflection of who you are and aren't proud of something just because it reflects your sense of gender. But people are people and people have all kinds of bodies, having certain traits of the body doesn't mean you have to be a girl. Then that's their problem. Name and pronouns and mannerisms can also be changed relatively easily. You can refuse to talk about it, say the topic doesn't interest you. Society has narrow views about what it means to embrace your body. Or... why even focus on "embracing your body"? It's just a tool. Believe me, a lot of people don't "embrace" their bodies, they just happen to look and/or function a certain way.
Thank you for your response. Although i feel the first part of your advice does not align with how i feel, your words are likely more valid, so of course i will not discard any information you have given me, and i will thoughtfully consider it. do not worry, i am not rushing for transition, i am talking to a professional to make sure what i am feeling is what i think i am before taking any medical treatment. yes, I am always sure to do this. this is relatively reassuring, but i am not sure how to take some of these first steps, as i am not sure how to acquire different mannerisms, get people to call me by a different name that they have been conditioned to for a lifetime (and associate me with said name), and change my voice without accidentally causing myself any harm. I know this is all on me still, but I'm having a hard time doing any of these seemingly easy things. thank you again for replying to me. have a nice day, and i will try and change my perspective.
Hi Skoldor, welcome to EC! We're glad you're here! Hopefully I can be of some help to you here, I'll try my best. To me it sounds like you're going through some pretty intense dysphoria. You know you're not comfortable being a girl, so start exploring from there. Does identifying on the opposite end of the gender spectrum (as a boy) and using he/him pronouns seem like a better fit? Or perhaps somewhere inbetween the two ends of that spectrum, such as nonbinary and using they/them pronouns or neo-pronouns such as xey/xem seem right? Explore this in therapy and if your friends and parents are fine with it try this with them as well. Also explore with how you present your gender- perhaps you'd feel better wearing men's clothing or something more gender neutral, or getting a different haircut, or binding your chest (but please follow all safety guidelines for that).
Thank you so much TinyWerewolf, this was really reassuring to me for some reason (": identifying as male or non-binary definitely seems like me, but i think it would be best to explore more like you recommended, because i'm not quite sure which one i feel more comfortable as. I remember being really happy one time when i was mistaken for a boy from behind at a restaurant by the waitress, I never thought about why, but thinking back it was likely because i was happy to be distanced from my assigned gender. I also refuse to cosplay as female characters, probably for the same reason. but i think all of this still doesn't determine what i could be though, because even if i don't identify as male it makes me happy not being called a girl. i want my friends to call me by they or he pronouns, but I'm too afraid to come out to them (I know they'll support me, but i just want to gain more confidence in myself first, but im not sure if that's contradictory. hopefully therapy can help me achieve this). about gender expression, yes, i have been wanting to experiment with that more as well. I have been wanting to make my own clothes so i don't have to worry about getting caught up in what "gender the clothes are made for." and it is also a small hobby of mine. luckily for my wallet this is not extremely urgent since all my clothes are already quite gender neutral like class T-shirts and sweatpants. Im still working up the courage to cut my hair, since i like long hair and especially how it looks on non feminine presenting people (i think it just creates a nice and refreshing contrast). however I am not sure how i can express myself in terms of gender regarding hair, because if you pair up my hair and facial features you just get ordinary looking girl, it is quite tricky although I've only ever done makeup for cosplay, i considered doing makeup to make my face look more masculine, maybe that could help... well, thank you again for your kind words and advice, you helped me remember things that i can actually look forward to instead of things to put myself down about :")
I'm glad I could help! Masculine contouring and man-buns are definitely things you should look into, I've been meaning to myself since I'm stuck with shoulder length hair for now.
