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Since coming out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Cml, Nov 9, 2021.

  1. Cml

    Cml
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    My life has turned to S**t. I've lost friends and I get remarks even more. I'm miserable as f**k. I met someone who was alright then realised I am newly out and freaked out and turned vile. I'm on dating sites but I don't have an obvious gay vibe as I'm a femme lesbian. Has anyone else experienced this?
     
  2. quebec

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    Cml.....When I see a post like yours I immediately want to write a positive, be happy response. But I know that just telling someone to be happy not only doesn't work, it often makes things worse. I've gone though some tough times when someone telling me to be happy, that things will get better just made me want to hit them...hard. At one point in my life I came within just a few minutes of making an irreversible decision that would have not only not solved anything, but caused many more problems. I was fortunate that the wonderful people here on Empty Closets were here for me that night and helped me through it. I shudder now to think of the disaster that I would have left behind me if I had carried through with it. So it seems that coming out has not gone well for you. The standard cliche is that if your "friends" reject you after you come out then they weren't really friends in the first place. Cliche or not, it's true. A real friend won't turn their back on you when you come out. Oh, they'll have a lot of questions...but reject you...not if they are really your friend. It's possible that over time you may drift apart as you make friends in the LGBTQ Community. But a true friend will not just turn their back and walk off. As for an obvious "gay vibe", that's just not true. Some gays deliberately act "gay" whatever that means, but most of us don't. Every single person that I've come out to has had the same reaction; "No shit! you can't be gay, you don't act like it." No one has ever had a clue that I am gay until I told them. You don't say how long it's been since you came out and how long you've been dealing with the crude remarks, etc. Have you come out recently and the remarks have also been recent? Or is this something that has been going on for a long time? If you can give us more details about the situation that you are dealing with, I think that we could help you with better advice! Please keep us updated with how this is going. Remember that you are a part of our LGBTQIA+ Family and we do care!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  3. Warrior999

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    I am really, really sad to hear this. Especially considering your location is England, considering that is one of the most LGBT friendly countries as far as I know. I still congratulate you on coming out, but personally, I believe people should be very cautious, and carefully gauge the outcome (if possible) and ramification of coming out. I know coming out to public is like committing suicide so I don't. I did come out to my immediate family, and though they aren't exactly happy about it, they have come to be tolerant of it and were never violent.

    What about your family? Did they shun you as well?
     
  4. Warrior999

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    While this is true and I agree with it, the thing is ... reality is a lot more complicated than that. If 100% of your friends, acquaintances, family etc reject you, how are you supposed to function in that country? Sure they are not my real friends etc, but if my family members shuns me, and I am not financially independent, will I be able to survive? If 100% of my friends or acquaintances shun me, will I be able to function in my office / university etc? It's easier said than done. So yes, while I agree that if they shun me, they are not true friends, that doesn't mean one can always come out as the ramification can be hard to deal with.
     
  5. Cml

    Cml
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    Hi my family are all ok. I came out 6 months ago but I've had homophobic shit since i was young. My friends were ok to start with but 1 has blocked me for no reason on all social media and I've known them for over 20 years. The others have stopped talking to me and cutting me out. To be honest I don't really class them as friends anymore as I have grown up and accepted who I am but it's the fact that they are accepting at first then drop me quicker than dog shit.
     
  6. PatrickUK

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    Your reticence to get involved in dating is understandable, but if you can try to overcome it you may discover new opportunities for making personal connections that are fully aligned with your sexuality. At some point, we are all new to the LGBTQ scene and it can feel daunting at first, but really, we are only looking for the same things as people who are straight (friendship, intimacy and love). Only thing that makes us different is our desire to find those things with people of the same sex.

    It's always sad when people ditch us or become more distant when they learn about our sexuality, but it really says far more about them than it does about us. On some level it shows up their own insecurities and petty prejudices and shines a light on things that we may have never seen in them. I consider that something of a blessing, rather than a curse. If our friendships and relationships are to mean anything they need to based around honesty and authenticity, don't you agree?

    Not sure where you are based in England, but if you are in, or close to a big city it might be worth looking at local groups for the LGBTQ community and maybe see if there are any meet ups that you can attend. If you have any particular interests, it might be worthwhile looking at special interest groups. For example, there are outdoor clubs for LGBTQ people who enjoy walking, mountain biking etc. At the very least you will meet some like minded people and be able to chat and socialise with a greater degree of freedom.

    It's these small steps that will help you to deal with the narrow mindedness you have encountered. I encountered it too!
     
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  7. BiGemini87

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    I'm sorry that it's been such a tumultuous experience for you. :frowning2: Some people believe it isn't difficult coming out in this day and age, especially in more Westernized countries, but the truth is, there will always be kernels of bigotry sprinkled throughout any society. It's as has already been stated: the ones you ditched you were not true friends. I can understand some of them--especially those who knew you longest--needing time to process it, but to outright block you/cut you out of their lives? That's truly sad, because you're still the same person; the only thing that's changed is their perception of you, based on something that offers absolutely no harm to anyone.

    As for the dating scene...well, that's difficult no matter what a person's orientation may be. But I do agree that it can be incredibly daunting and disheartening when you're newly out and trying to find someone, only for them to treat you like a pariah when they realize you aren't experienced. I think in some cases, they're afraid it's just a phase or experimentation and that they'll be left in the dust if you "realize it isn't for you" (absolute hogwash, but there it is). Hard as it may be, try not to give up hope. Even if you need to take a little break from looking on such apps, trust that down the road, someone will give you chance--perhaps even someone who, like you, didn't have the opportunity to come out until later themselves.