Physical appearance issues (the bane of my existence)

So for a (very) long time, majority of my life i have not liked at some points hated the way that i look, im pretty short (162cm-ish) im also built pretty slim i only weigh about 50kg-53kg ish (my scales are kinda broken and arent super consistent) due to my heritage i also am covered in freckles. Also due to my medical history (childhood cancer) my growth got all screwed up from the treatment (chemo, fullbody radiation and a bone-marrow transplant) so i still look quite "childlike" much to my dismay, and when people mention it that does WONDERS for my mental state. I loath the way i look, and its not like i want to be super jacked or anything like that, i just want to be happy with myself and that would be enough for me. I dont know if its my body type, what i wear or just how i look and style myself but whenever i look in a mirror it just makes me sad because im never happy with who i see looking back.

I recently got my ears pierced and that was a big thing for me and made me very happy (one of the few things im happy with) Im trying to grow my lovely brown hair out because im sick of having short hair because it makes me look like a child (my parents always insisted on short hair up until about 8 months ago maybe, i just put my foot down) I am pretty interested in showing a bit more femininity as i am by no means a masculine dude, i like pink, shiny things and unicorns

I recently bought some skin tight sports leggings which i LOVE but i am quite self conscious about wearing them in public, especially since my friends arent the most supportive bunch as they are pretty "standard males" (if you know what i mean, they are averse to change) and dont know im queer? (not certain on a label yet) so its hard for me to confide in them and ask for help with this as they are all typical straight dudes.

I really hate most of my clothing at the moment as its just all so large on me because im so small even though its all small or extra small mens, i have one shirt that i really like and thats because its a women's (which i didnt know at the time) but it fits pretty good except for the fact i have a decidedly smaller chest than most women (for obvious reasons).

There are things id love to be able to look into like getting my nails done, makeup, waxing, even just finding nice cloths that "fit" me (physically and emotionally) but as i still live at home with parents thats a little difficult as they are quite old fashioned (boys dress like boys, girls dress like girls there is no in-between) I couldnt even imagine the conversation if i came home with something that could be easily considered not "mens clothes". They (friends or family) just dont understand me on a fundamental level and im not ready to get into that yet as im not even certain of myself yet. So in the mean time i just wanna focus on something less "involved", so i landed at worrying about how i look.

Oh and it doesnt help that im a hopeless introvert, because life had to make things extra difficult for me.

So id be happy to hear any advice if you have some <3




P.s. In case it was left ambiguous no im not trans just a feminine guy

 

I suppose there in lies one of my larger problems, i dont eat much. Thinking about it its probably some psychological issue that stems from trauma or habit from my treatment days as i used to be highly nauseous in the mornings so i struggle to eat before midday-ish, and even then i eat very little. Some days i eat maybe one thing the whole day, i know its not healthy i just cant make myself eat.

As for exercise i try to do calisthenics as often as i can because i cant go to a gym (too anxious for that as my local gym is pretty full on and curated to hardcore bodybuilding) but i struggle alot as im very inflexible and my muscles (specifically in my legs) are quite short in the back which makes things quite difficult sometimes. I have thought about getting some home gym stuff but i really wouldnt know where to start.

As for doctors no i havent really, i uh struggle to actually voice my thoughts and needs. I know it seems silly not to talk to a doctor about health things but most of my doctors i cant just go and see as they are so busy. There might be one i could ask who might give me some time, but id have to think about that

 

Thank you everyone for your replies, sorry i haven't responded until now i have been a bit preoccupied, over the Christmas holidays i have gotten some home gym equipment and have been doing some work every day or so and have been feeling pretty good about it, i have also planned to get a gym membership at the same gym as a few of my buddies so we can go together after work which im looking forward to as i will be able to have someone to spur me on which i think will be helpful for me to keep at it (and seeing my friends on a more regular basis will also be nice). My hair is getting longish now which i like very much. And finally the only thing i havent really looked into is a proper diet but as i havent started at the gym yet im not overly concerned about it so far

 

Oh and lastly i havent seen a doctor yet as there has been a Covid boom here where i live so ive tried to avoid going out to places as much as possible, but its certainly on my to do list

 

Ive never even heard of Kinesiology before. So is it kinda just like a more tailored personal trainer kinda thing? So can make it so suit your physical boundaries, less of a one type fits all and more personal?

(also cute gym guys is definitely a bonus OwO)