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Please Help Me Work Out What the Hell is Going On...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Kate 47, Mar 15, 2020.

  1. Kate 47

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    Hello...

    I'm a 47 year old woman, always been straight as far as I'm aware, only ever had relationships with men. Not currently in a relationship (pretty happy with that, I'm quite solitary) and only a couple of brief things with men in the last 5-10 years. I can't even remember the last time I fancied a man. I work with young people in mental health support.

    Recently, the last couple of months or so, I've started to feel attracted to women. The recent spur is an attraction to an actress that I've seen on stage a couple of times very recently, but then as I've thought about it, I realised she reminded me of someone else I worked with maybe 18 months ago. And then I realised my former colleague reminded me of another colleague I worked with 20 years ago, and the more I think about it, the more I'm not sure whether I fancied all three of these women, or whether I just had a bit of a crush (which in itself feels ridiculous at 47), or whether I just admired them and wanted to be more like them...

    Then as I've thought about it, I've remembered other women over the years that I've been drawn to. They've all been fairly similar in looks/style and personality - confident and outspoken, on the unconventional side, not particularly girly. And I've just felt really drawn to them, but never been anything more than friendly.

    I don't even know what I'm really asking. I just feel very confused. In some ways, I'm not sure it even matters. I'm old, I'm dull and I'm fat, and I think the chances of me doing anything about fancying anyone, male or female, is pretty damn low, so does it even matter what label I put on myself?
     
  2. Really

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    Hey @Kate 47

    Welcome to EC!

    Those all sound like possible hints that you aren’t 100% straight and that’s totally ok. We’re all in the same boat here. Label, shmabel. If you want one, pick one for this moment and change it as you go. If you don’t, no worries. They aren’t necessary if they aren’t for you.

    Stick around. Lots of good people and support here. :}
     
  3. SevnButton

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    Hi @Kate 47!

    In my opinion, no, the label you put on yourself doesn't matter, but you've already chosen several. Old? I'd love to be 47 again! Dull? I think a lot of us, if not most of us, regard ourselves that way. My suggestion would be to focus more on being interested, rather than interesting. Fat? Its doesn't matter. You seem to be wondering whether you should adopt the "lesbian" label too. I think some people are totally straight, some are totally gay, and lots and lots of people are somewhere in between. Being in the middle can be confusing, because the same-sex attractions are real, and so are the opposite-sex attractions.
     
  4. Kate 47

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    Thank you both. I suppose I'm struggling to get my head round it all. I know it's all fine and doesn't really matter in the long run, but I suppose I'm wondering if what I'm feeling is a real attraction or something else (maybe just a general dissatisfaction with my own life and self) and what if anything I can do about it. At the moment I feel a bit all over the place and don't feel ready to talk to real life friends about it.
     
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  5. SevnButton

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    Yes! Well-said, @ka
     
  6. silverhalo

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    Don't worry everything you are feeling is totally normal. The good news is that you are not currently in a relationship which allows you the freedom without guilt. Not that I am saying you should rush out and immediately experiment with a woman but my advice would be to allow your mind to think these things and feel these things an allow yourself to enjoy it and see how you feel. Often it takes one thing to spark something within you and then it often grows from there.
    Most of us have at some point been in your situation so feel free to chat and ask questions as you have them.
     
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  7. LostInDaydreams

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    I don’t think it’s uncommon for the realisation to hit when at a low point in life. Perhaps we’re less distracted or thinking more about what we actually want...who knows? Either way, it doesn’t make your feeling any less valid.
     
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  8. Kate 47

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    Well... This was me. Covid lockdowns hit a few days after my original post, and I worked from home for months and months, and never managed to talk to anyone about these feelings, and now I'm 49 and in exactly the same place! I suppose I have moved forward in some ways, in that I am now pretty definite that I am attracted to women, but I still haven't talked to anyone in real life about it.

    Back at the time I first posted, I had a work colleague who is a counsellor, and I had made my mind up to talk to her - we had a good friendly relationship, and she was sympathetic, and I felt I could talk to her. But then covid hit and I had very little contact with her, except for seeing her in staff training events on teams sometimes, and then she left the job and we've lost touch. This year I've started doing a level 3 training course in counselling myself (it's related to my job, it's not totally out of the blue) and all the talk about delving into our inner thoughts and feelings is driving me crazy because I feel like I want to talk about this, but that there is no appropriate time or person to get into it. I'm pretty sure my counselling tutor is gay, but she's my tutor (and a colleague, as I'm doing the course at my workplace) so I can't talk to her as that would be massively boundary crossing.

    My best friend is a woman about 18 years younger than me. We're close, but funnily enough I've realised that even though I've known her nearly 10 years, we have both been single that entire time and have never once discussed crushes, people we fancy, relationships etc (apart from her once drunkenly saying she had a crush on Paul from Neighbours when she was 10). We don't even really talk about our emotions much, apart from work stresses, which is probably a bit unusual. And the more I think about it, the more I realise that there is nobody I talk to at all about my actual feelings. I'm very close to my mum, but I don't tell her how I feel.

    So... yeah. I'm in pretty much the same place as I was. It's all very well admitting to myself that I fancy women, but I have no idea how to go about doing anything about it. Aaaaargh! It's massively frustrating!
     
  9. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome back. That's a real shame that covid ruined the plan you had to talk to your co-worker. It can be difficult to find the right person in real life to discuss these things with.
    Do you think speaking to someone in your life about this is the next step you would like to take? Don't worry we are all here for you.
     
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  10. Kate 47

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    Thank you! Yes, I feel like I want to tell a real person that knows me. But I have no idea who! And I don't really know what it would achieve, because would that actually change anything? Probably not.
     
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  11. BiGemini87

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    Hello, Kate. Even if it might not change anything physically, the act of getting it out there can be a huge load off your shoulders. I think a lot of people talk themselves out of it because they minimize the effect these thoughts and feelings have had on them. But if you're thinking them, if you're feeling them and this is something that's been going on a long time, I would argue that it makes a world of difference to express it.

    I hadn't had the pleasure of seeing your original post until today, but what you said paralleled some of my own coming out journey, so really, you don't need to feel embarrassed for coming to the realization later in life. That's why this forum is here, after all. :slight_smile:
     
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  12. silverhalo

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    As @BiGemini87 said it wouldnt physically change anything but that doesnt mean it wouldnt be helpful. Usually if you feel like you want to do something like tell someone then it would be helpful. Saying these things outloud and getting them off your chest can be really useful and important steps in your journey so thats not to say you shouldnt.
    As for who to tell of course only you can decide that but what are your options?
     
  13. Kate 47

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    Thank you all!

    I really don't know who I would tell. I have colleagues who I like and get on with, but not that I'd want to talk about that sort of thing with. My main close friend... I don't know... we never really talk about emotions, and I suppose I need to consider why that is. I certainly don't want to tell my mum - we're close and we get on well, and I'm sure she'd be supportive, but I think she'd also be a bit puzzled as to why on earth I'm telling her. And although I don't think she's homophobic at all (she's very accepting of everyone and non judgemental) I am conscious that she's made comments in the last year or two about how everything on telly has to have a lesbian now as it's so fashionable, that sort of thing, so she might roll her eyes at me a bit.

    I have wondered about getting some counselling anyway - the course I'm doing doesn't require counselling, but if I continued to level 4 next year then I have to have at least 40 hours of counselling (I think) and the whole course anyway is bringing up lots of feelings and emotions anyway - my counselling teacher says we'll all need counselling by the time we get to our exam!
     
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  14. TinyWerewolf

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    I don't usually give coming out/label advice to anyone because I was in denial, then came out to some, was openly out, and had to go back in the closet. Today I'm making an exception, but I think you should take this with a grain of salt so to speak.

    I think the counseling is a good idea. If you don't feel like you can talk to your colleagues, friend, or mom, talking to a therapist/counselor could help. Are there any Pride clubs or relevant support groups in your area? If there are then you could give them a try. It's a good way to meet other LGBTQIA+ people and possibly get some great advice from them as well. I wish you the best of luck in figuring this part of you out!
     
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  15. Kate 47

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    There are support groups in our area, yes. However, I would feel a bit cautious about going along, as there is a high chance of meeting people I know there through a work context, some of whom may be my students (I work in mental health support with young people, ironically).

    ANYWAY, bit of a development today. I have another colleague, a man, who I've known for maybe 12 years. We used to work together in the same team and got on really well, but I have worked in a different department for the last 4 years or so, so see much less of him. We haven't actually talked in a few months, but I bumped into him today and we had a catch up, and while we were talking about how we were both not really part of the 'normal' crowd, and don't really fit in with the majority and how we're fine with that, he mentioned that one of the things about me that isn't typical is that I haven't had a relationship in years, and that he sees I'm fine with that, and that he knows I don't need a man... and then I said that actually recently, I've been thinking... I'm not straight and I mostly fancy women if I fancy anyone at all.

    I felt really silly saying it, and couldn't look at him and got all embarrassed, but it was FINE (of course). He said he wasn't in the least surprised. He didn't have much time unfortunately and we both had to get back to work, but he gave me a big hug and said we'd talk about it soon (if I wanted to) and then I couldn't stop smiling all afternoon.

    So um... yeah. :slight_smile:
     
  16. Really

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    Wow! That’s the best kind of coming out you could ask for! Yay, you!
     
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  17. Kate 47

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    I know, I'm all.. omg! Did I just come out? It feels a bit silly at this age, and while realistically it doesn't change anything as I won't be living any differently, it does change things because I do feel relieved to have told someone.
     
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  18. TinyWerewolf

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    Well look at you! Congratulations! :clap: It's always great to get that off your chest and be accepted too. I wouldn't say it doesn't change your life though, it made you happy to come out (and you might find someone yet :wink: ).
     
    #18 TinyWerewolf, Nov 10, 2021
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2021
  19. Kate 47

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    Steady on! I'm not sure I want an actual relationship! It's been 10 years since I've had one, I do quite like my own company and I'm pretty set in my ways.
     
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  20. TinyWerewolf

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    And that's good too! If you don't want a relationship, you don't have to have one.
     
    #20 TinyWerewolf, Nov 10, 2021
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2021
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