Possibly Gay, trying to accept

Really great thread, Without rehashing everything that's already been said, through my journey, which is not yet completed, I experienced many of the same things. Denial, feeling internally pressured by heteronormative expectations, and ultimately losing interest in women as I came out to myself. Thinking back, there were definitely signs, which emerged as I hit puberty. A stronger than usual urge to want to masturbate with other guys and maybe do more, sneaking peeks in the school locker room and having fantasies - all of which I rationalized to "teen curiosity." I also developed a keen interest in girls and had relationships with great sex. Curiously, as I got a bit older (20-30's), I experienced something similar to one of the earlier posts - If I were in a relationship with a women, I would "turn off" my same-sex attraction, but once that relationship ended, my interest in men would re-kindle, and, interestingly, as more time passed, that interest grew stronger. I'm guessing it's attributable, at least in part, to becoming more honest with myself about my sexuality.

 

Mine were pretty clear- just denial/writing theme off as fantasies/kink:

• 14 years old trying to masturbate for the first time to all the 'hot' girls... literally rubbing myself raw.. I then thought of this one gay kid everyone teased..I orgasmed in less than 30 seconds pretty intensely. Looking back, like you I could easily fantasize about guys but with women it was 'work' to get aroused and most of the time I had to mix in a guy.
  
  
• A 'classic' - having sex with a girlfriend and having to think about being with a guy. This happened much more often than I let myself believe.
  
  
• As you mentioned almost sole interest in women was the ass.

All of this denial bubbled up to the surface when I was at a dance performance, the men and women both dressed in form fitting tights and leotards.. I remember trying to convince myself I was enjoying looking at the women , I finally let myself look at guy (at first it was by an accident since they were dressed the same) I started to get so aroused looking at his rear I was worried my (female) date might notice... I then looked at his front and it was 'all over' - I should have accepted I was gay right there but had a few more years of denial.

I am sure you will start to remember a lot of stuff as you think about it.

 

I forgot that one - for sure had similar experience and also was more butt-focused too.

 

This was pretty much the only position I could enjoy but even then I had to imagine it was a guy. As I began to accept myself more I realized I wanted to receive it too!

I also remember a girlfriend giving me oral and I realized I was jealous of her.

 

This is so similar to my experiences. I too was a butt man but never really figured it out until coming out. Towards the end of my heterosexual days the only way I could stay aroused and finish was to think of a guy.

 

I wonder how common this is. I still look at women's butts but I don't really get aroused, though sometimes it feels sensual. I think it's because they often wear clothes that reveal or emphasize it more. I noticed in situations where men wore something similar - like a dance performance where both were wearing tights, I could appreciate the beauty of the women dancer's forms but it was the men that aroused me sexually.

 

During my last hetero encounters, I could get aroused initially, but quickly lost interest, and could not even finish. My male encounters, however, I have to fight not to finish too quickly

 

I have to admit I am so much more turned on by a male butt than I ever was by a female one. Towards the end of my heterosexuality I wasn’t even able to become aroused. With a guy it was instantaneous.

 

This might help explain why some 'early signs' can be confusing - when we were in denial or just accepting the heteronormative script, a female butt is the only thing that arouses us, but doesn't really do it for us it was just a substitute.. once we accepted ourselves and allowed ourselves to 'look' at what really turns us on, the substitute is no longer enough.

 

I had trauma and pretty severe neglect. I am not an expert but I think unstable household growing up can make us less willing to be vulnerable and less willing to take risks because we had to numb ourselves and probably had to withdraw into ourselves for comfort and stability.

It makes sense that if you don't have some stability and reassurances growing up you become very protective of yourself including numbing our emotions.

 

For me - completely accepting my sexuality was not an "aha" moment. It evolved over time, and I tried not to overthink it or rush things along. Although this sounds cliche, taking things one at a time and making small steps worked best for me. Even now, a pretty lady may catch my eye, but I just take it for what it is and not use it to re-kindle some past internal struggle about my sexuality.

 

Before coming out - I'm not out except to the few guys I've been with I guess. I also think that you need to be fully comfortable within your own skin before going public. There will no doubt be challenges, as others have clearly pointed out. So, I don't think you want an additional one inside your own head.

 

There are a lot of ultrabutch gay men - ever hear of leather bars? And everything in-between.

There is that chance- but the chance is nearly 100% you won't if you don't accept yourself and move forward.

Lots of people struggle here but it seems to me you have accepted you are gay, you are just hesitating to take 'real' steps in the 'real' world. But that doesn't change the fact that you know you are gay, does it? I haven't heard anything from you saying you doubt being gay only that you doubt getting a boyfriend or want to be 'sure' moving forward.

The best advice I can give is take little baby steps every day. You are probably thinking of the whole thing all at once like:
oh i have to come out to everyone I know at work, friends, friends from kindergarten, all my family, including second cousins I haven't talked to in 10 years and how will change my status on facebook..

I am exaggerating a little here but often this sort of thinking hits a lot of us when we first accept ourselves.

Instead of thinking this way - all of nothing - maybe just go to a gay bar or gay meetup?

 

Do you have moments when you accept yourself? If so how does it feel?

 

I don't have the same 'type' of guy but I understand that. For me the key thing was I just wasn't sexually aroused by women, even though I found them beautiful.

 

My experience was similar to @out2019. Appreciate a beautiful woman, but does nothing for me sexually any more.