I can’t help but feel like Im going to the extreme by identifying as a lesbian. I can’t deny my attraction to women, it has always been incredibly obvious. Since my teenage years, nearly all of my waking fantasies have been about women, all of my crushes were women, and I feel this incredibly strong sexual pull to women I’m attracted to. Conversely, I never felt the same about men but an wondering if maybe it is a consequence of too much porn exposure during adolescence and not opening up myself to men more. The first time I accidentally stumbled onto porn (a nude women) at age six, I was shamed by my mother. The memory stuck with me since I remember crying about that incident at age 12 and I still feel embarrassed about now, at 26. When I say “too much porn exposure”, during my teen years, I watched gay porn and sometimes/rarely looked at pics though it always took an average of 1:30 - 2 hours to orgasm. So, maybe that experience desensitized me sexually to men. Possibly tmi, but the only thing on the male body that I find attractive is when the nipple is rubbed similarly to when a woman ribs her clitoris (which is a massive turn on for me). Granted, I’ve now been watching lesbian porn exclusively for several years now and find that it is the only type of porn that I can substitute myself into as opposed to being a voyeur. While lesbian porn hasn’t desensitized me to women at all, maybe I’m just a woman-leaning bisexual. I plan on speaking to an LGBT friendly therapist soon. I don’t know if me wanting to be bisexual is just me wanting to have the opportunity to make my family happy. Since I was a child some family members couldn’t understand why I hadn’t had a boyfriend and have always told me that they see me having an incredibly handsome future husband. I’m just conflicted right now. I’m also a person with clinical anxiety and OCD. Medication has helped but some symptoms still appear. Sometimes I feel as if my obsession with women is possibly just an extension of my OCD.
Porn has not determined your sexual orientation, but your sexual orientation will determine what sort of porn you prefer to watch. The reason you watch lesbian porn is because your sexual preferences are overwhelmingly inclined towards women. Don't try to put the cart before the horse with this issue. Is it possible that the resistance you feel is a result of residual shame? If you have been exposed to negative family or societal messages about same sex attraction, or you feel a certain pressure to conform, you may start to bargain with yourself about your sexuality. When that happens some people veer towards the bisexual label even when there is very clearly a predominant attraction towards members of the same sex. Do you think this might be a factor and something to explore with a therapist? Only you can decide what label is best for you, but it is worth thinking about issues in the background that may be informing your decision.
Hello, @curiouspasserby. I think Patrick has the right of it; to me, it sounds like you're very much a lesbian, as you've given no evidence of ever having been attracted to men. Is it possible that you're bisexual, heavily leaning towards women and haven't come across the "right" man? Sure...but it seems unlikely to me, and I think unless it happens in the future, you're well within your rights to use the lesbian label. If that ever changes in the future, that's okay! Everyone faces obstacles over their identity, who and what they are, and realizing a label you thought previously fit no longer does is sometimes part of that. That being said, I think residual shame from the trauma of your mother's reaction has played a sizable part in how you view yourself and how you're hoping to still have some shred of heteronormativity. The anxiety and OCD are undoubtedly a part of that too, so I think it's incredibly wise that you're working towards speaking with a therapist on these issues. I'm sure they will give you greater clarity and help you come to a place of self-acceptance.
Most likely. I have even been exposed to negative messages outside my family. I also attended an incredibly homophobic Christian school. I recall asking a teacher “What happens when a gay person accepts God?” She essentially told me that God has the ability to “turn them straight”. Even the students were homophobic. So, I believe that those experiences and the experiences with my family contributed to the shame I feel. There are probably more experiences that were harmful, I just don’t recall them at the moment. I’m certainly going to bring this up in therapy. You’re right, I feel a combination of comfort and discomfort when I try to keep the bisexual label. It’s comfortable because it doesn’t imply exclusive same-sex attraction. Yet, that is the very reason why it’s uncomfortable. When I try to ID as bisexual, I’m basically telling myself that it is possible that I can be romantically and sexually interested in a man. But the very idea of being romantic or sexual with a man, makes me incredibly uncomfortable. My discomfort isn’t due to having a traumatic experience with a man, I never had one. I always felt great discomfort and dread whenever my family insisted that I would be married to and have children with a man. Whenever I thought about having a future relationship with a man, I only envisioned having a “lavender marriage-like” dynamic.
Also, when I was six, one of my female classmates kissed me unexpectedly. I remember that it felt normal but sometimes I wonder that if I didn’t have that experience, maybe things would be different. I know that it’s an irrational thought though.
My first kisses were with boys. Didn’t turn me straight. And for what it’s worth, the thought of living with a man isn’t appealing and the thought of being intimate with a man actually grossed me out. And I’ve seen gay men on here express the opposite (basically that the idea of kissing or being with a woman grosses them out). I’m not sure that that’s unusual for people who are Kinsey 6 gay. I was molested by a middle aged man (youth director), but I had been having crushes on women (and a lack of interest in boys beyond warm friendship) well before that.
I’m sorry about your terrible experience with the youth director. I fluctuate between grossed out to apathy when thinking about being intimate with a man. Yet, I keep doubting my sexuality. I believe that I have far more internalized homophobia than I was previously aware of. Reflecting back, there were many signs that point to me being gay. When I was younger and signed up onto a teen dating social site, I instinctively tried to talk to other girls. When I was older and tried to use dating apps, I also instinctively looked for lesbian dating apps. It’s obvious; yet, I’m still having trouble truly accepting it. I speculate that my hesitancy is due to me worrying about judgement from my family. I am a people pleaser and tend to “go with the flow” to reduce conflict and maintain relationships. So, maybe my denial and hesitancy is me unconsciously trying to reduce potential conflict. If I’m able to date a man, I technically don’t have to come out and potentially can live happily while pleasing my family (not saying that being a closeted bisexual is easy or desirable).
