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When did you know you’d exhausted all the options to improve het relationship and sex drive?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by sunbird, Oct 17, 2021.

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  1. sunbird

    sunbird
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    Currently exploring pelvic floor physiotherapy…

    I feel like I owe it to my husband to keep trying. This mainly happens inside my own head and bedroom as we sleep in separate rooms and haven’t been intimate (sexually or otherwise) for years. We have an amicable relationship and support and love each other like friends. He blames lack of interest in sex and I feel pain during penetration. We both drown ourselves to work and even though have both been in our own therapy for some time we don’t discuss sex with each other. He often tells me he doesn’t want to be alone, squeezes me and feels a little bit like a child. I feel if I had the capacity to support myself now I would move out, work on myself for a while and then let *woman* love in my life.

    I have such good erotic feelings when I dream about being with a woman. My husband doesn’t know this. I don’t know when I’ve exhausted all the options out there sometimes it feels like doing conversion therapy to myself and feel exhausted and sad. Maybe my husband feels the same way.

    For a while now I’ve thought I’m comfortable accepting I’m lesbian. And then find myself trying to steer the wheel and be in control with this “ooh, havent’t tried that lube yet” or “I’ll explore this kind of het erotica”... aWhat am I doing to myself and how can I stop this? I’m getting all worked up about trying to find solutions to a relationship that feels like a sinking ship. Can anyone relate? And if it’s not a sex issue I’m trying to solve that’s when I start to think: ok, if codependency is an issue here then I can spend the next five years studying how I can be better, less codependent , support my husband etc etc etc. I’m like imagining I’m some kind of transformer, like those kids’ toys, I seem to think I can transform myself into a hetero if I just try hard enough.

    But I’m feeling so tired. Christmas and family holiday are approaching and I feel I need to do something I can’t lie to myself or people anymore. How can I move through this? Sometimes I feel so exhausted, alone and just “wrong”. Is life always going to feel like this? I feel alone is better for me than agony of never feeling I’m enough and that there’s something wrong about me and that I need to change
     
    #1 sunbird, Oct 17, 2021
  2. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    Hi sunbird,

    I’m really sorry that you’re feeling this way. For me, I never actively tried to save or improve my relationship with my ex partner, but I certainly understand how exhausting and draining it is to keep trying to live a pretence. I did go through a series of mental “but I can’t be gay if…” thoughts, but on reflection, none of them were reasonable. Bargaining is a normal part of the process, even after I was fairly sure of my sexuality, I did have thoughts around what I could do to avoid leaving my (now ex) partner. I can’t understate how frightening that prospect was, the thought of making big changes and stepping into the unknown.

    It seems to me that you know what you want, so the question to consider is how you’re going to get there. The process for me was slow, it took months, but I felt more in control once I knew that I was moving in the right direction. I set myself weekly goals and took it one step at a time. What do you need to do to make this happen?

    To answer your last questions, from my experience, it will get worse with time rather than easier. Occasions like Christmas always make it feel worse too because you have less space for yourself and can feel more trapped. From your post overall, it sounds like you are incredibly unhappy, feeling suffocated and that you’re torturing yourself by trying to keep this relationship together. Would you say that’s fair?

    I genuinely think that if I can do it, then anyone can do it. Be kind yourself. It’s a really difficult situation to be in.
     
    #2 LostInDaydreams, Oct 17, 2021
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2021
  3. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
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    It's incredibly difficult for people who have married members of the opposite sex to face up to these questions. In most cases the love and affection remains, even if the quality of that love and affection no longer extends to sexual intimacy. The inner critic latches on to all of this and tells us to keep at it; to try harder and consider increasingly untenable ideas. But to what end?

    Read your post again and consider the weight of everything you wrote. The reality is all there in black and white. Look at the last paragraph and all of the feelings you poured out in those few sentences. It's heavy isn't it?

    Neither of you are getting the love and satisfaction you deserve from your current arrangement. I don't doubt for one moment that love does remain, but it's not what it needs to be to satisfy those deeper yearnings (that you both have) and there is only so long you can continue like that.

    It's not easy to face these decisions, but on some level your husband must be having the same doubts about the future of your marriage, even if his questions are no connected to sexuality. It's really a matter of who initiates the conversation first.
     
    #3 PatrickUK, Oct 17, 2021
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  4. silverhalo

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    Hey the above posters have given great advice. I know in your post you mentioned that for you penetration is painful but from reading your post it sounds like that isnt the only issue. I am getting the vibe that you arent attracted to your husband is that true? There is no shame in that just that if you arent then no amount of therapy and trying is going to change that.
    Taking sex out of the equation for a moment how do you feel about the rest of your relationship?
     
    #4 silverhalo, Oct 17, 2021
  5. sunbird

    sunbird
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    @LostInDaydreams @PatrickUK @silverhalo

    I wanted to write and thank you for your messages. I read them over and over. I cried all night last night and this morning couldn’t hold it in anymore. When I saw him words and tears just started pouring out. We finally talked about sex and about our relationship. It was the first step. I needed to just start talking.

    I don’t know where we’re heading and right now that feels ok. This morning was one of the most healthy experiences I’ve had in years. I needed him to engage on this with me and I did it. I had been so afraid of talking. I said I’d like to keep our conversation going. Next, I want to talk about sexuality.

    Thank you for helping me take this step. It’s a giant step for me. I’ve hidden sex and related matters from my life for so long I forgot they were a part of me. I don’t know if I can capture in words how big of a deal this is for me and how much you have helped. I have so much love for you and this community. Sorry if big words but that’s just how I feel… Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! <3
     
    #5 sunbird, Oct 18, 2021
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  6. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    Hi @sunbird :slight_smile:

    Congratulations on starting the conversation! That’s a really big step and the first step is often the hardest. I’m really happy to read your update and I hope things progress in the best way for you both from here.

    And you’re welcome. Happy to have helped even a little. EC is a pretty amazing place, I agree. It helped me massively too.
     
    #6 LostInDaydreams, Oct 18, 2021
  7. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    You are so welcome, it is great to hear you have managed to take the step and that it has been positive for you, even though right now you dont know where you are heading. Please let us know how it goes and also remember that we are still hear to talk if you need it.
     
    #7 silverhalo, Oct 18, 2021
  8. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
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    It was a hurdle that you needed to cross, but you have done it. There may be more hurdles along the way, but they too can be crossed if you set your mind to it.

    It's never easy to initiate these conversations, but difficult conversations don't need to be horrendously hurtful if they are well considered and approached with sensitivity. Love is still there so use that as the foundation upon which to have these conversations.

    Let us know how things progress and give us a shout if you need to talk some more. We know it's a big deal for you.
     
    #8 PatrickUK, Oct 18, 2021
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