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Changes after coming out

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Tikimon20, Sep 6, 2021.

  1. Contented

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    I think it quite common to have a spike in your libido as you come out . You are finally liberated from the heteronormative programming and free to embrace your true sexuality which in most cases was hidden. For me the increased libido was off the charts. The first two years with my BF I had more incredible sex than the previous ten years with women. We used any excuse to be intimate. That intense fire has banked somewhat but still is extremely high. I believe it is part of having had to hide my true sexual orientation for so long when the dam finally broke it was a torrent of sexual and emotional energy. The pleasure was way beyond anything I ever experienced with a woman ever and I just wanted more and more.
     
    #21 Contented, Oct 4, 2021
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2021
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  2. eron

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    Another thing I noticed after coming out to myself, was that my fantasies are more about real guys I've seen, met, or thought about. Sure, a nice, sexy model picture or gay porn can be arousing, but, for me, it's way more arousing and sexually exciting to fantasize and think about someone I know or met.
     
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  3. Gayhusband

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    Thanks for your support and help. . I need it. I’m feeling like the dam is eroding fast. I know from gay sexual experiences I’ve had in my past that I certainly enjoy sex with men much more than I do with women. I have always had a hard time justifying leaving my wife for guilt free sex though. I’m learning I have no choice. I know know that meeting someone (a gay man) who I could love and be loved by would help me emotionally in dealing with the coming out process that I dread. When I was younger and still secretly having sex with men, I enjoyed the sex so much I worried that my affinity for gay sex must be wrong. I needed and wanted it all the time to the point that I started to feel like I was a pervert. I hid my homosexual desires from myself as best I could for some time. I jumped in the closet and met a wonderful and naive woman. I then married her. I loved her then and I love her now. Only now things are much clearer. I can’t hide my sexuality. I’m gay. I’ve made a mistake and have ruined lives. It’s so complicated. I’m still worried about people imagining/reimagining me as a sissy or calling me a faggot or a queer. I know that those are just names. I also know all those names are insensitive references to who and what I am. Every time I hear the slur “cocksucker” I go through a whole kaleidoscope of emotions. Homophobia is a very real obstacle for me. I don’t think anyone will be too surprised when it’s finally out there that I’m gay. I am very worried about what my wife and child will go through. I’m only now getting to the point that I don’t think I can worry any longer about what people might think about me when I reveal myself “true” self. The slurs, the references they still seem to have a powerful influence on me. I know I can’t let petty things keep me closeted anymore.
     
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  4. Gayhusband

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    I’m finally getting there. I don’t necessarily even want to look at the sexy model types anymore. Real men are hot. Real men porn is becoming more arousing for me than the model types in porn. . I am starting to let down my guard and notice guys/men as possible fantasy partners or fantasy lovers. It’s opening up a whole new world for me. Someday I’ll be there. I want to have a real partner who is into me as I him.
     
  5. Gayhusband

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    Hiding those feelings from myself is my worst/biggest sin ever. Thanks for sharing. I understand how you are feeling
     
  6. Gayhusband

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    I
    I’m with you. Same point on the path. Best of luck to you. Out of the darkness and into the light!
     
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  7. Gayhusband

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    Thank you for your help and support. Ignoring “it” is definitely not an option anymore. The betrayal of my wedding vows does hover over me. You’re right . The conflict has caused so much confusion. Every day it just gets a lot clearer
     
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  8. Gayhusband

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    I’ll be there some day. Thanks for sharing. It means a lot to me.
    I know from past experience how much being a bottom, for me, is related to my denial of myself. I know how enjoyable it it is and can be for me but the shame still acts as a deterrent. I enjoy being a top as well, but I know I enjoy being bottomed the most. Sometimes fantasizing about being a top can be more satisfying because in my head being a top is less “sissy”. What a mind fuck! Especially since the desire to be bottomed is why I can’t seem to let my homosexual desires go. I know I want it. I need it that way. It’s amazing and satisfying but I felt so shameful and perverted after those experiences that I’ve tried to repress my desire for “it” for at least two decades now. Now I’m most ashamed about being ashamed
     
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  9. Chip

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    A couple thoughts here:

    First, it's awesome that this is coming into clarity for you. One suggestion I have is to get a hold of a copy of Joe Kort's wonderful book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to FInd Real Love." It has little to do with finding real love, and everything to do with understanding and accepting yourself. There's a chapter in it on heterosexually married gay men that is, alone, worth the price of the book. It's out of print, but you can usually find a used copy on bookfinder.com. (Don't confuse it with his other book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives." It's not a bad book, but totally different and not nearly as profound.)

    In the book, Dr. Kort, based on his almost 30 years of clinical experience counseling gay men, has found that almost without fail, once the shock of the husband telling the wife wears off, the wife realizes that she knew, suspected, or ignored obvious symptoms she should have picked up on. In other words, there's an unspoken, somewhat unconscious contract between the gay husband and the wife to ignore the signs and symptoms. Dr. Kort says, in effect, that the wife is complicit in maintaining the deception. The point of this is that in most cases it is not solely the husband's fault. For most men, this is a powerful moment of awareness that helps to lift the weight of taking all the blame for what happened.

    As far as ruining lives... well, I tend to be philosophical here. Everyone makes choices. If we can acknowledge what Dr. Kort says, then people, collectively, make the choices that form life experiences, and I'd be hard pressed to say that what you describe so far is a shitty life. It sucks that you're coming to this understanding now, but there are many ways forward: Some folks stay married. Others end their marriage but stay best friends while pursuing other relationships. In some cases (this seems to be a minority), the wife gets super angry and bitter... but this is on her, not on the (ex)husband, because at a certain point, we need to understand that we all are doing the best we can with what we have, and sometimes "the best we can" means we don't even know or fully understand who we are when we make the decision to get married. And as stated above, rarely is one party solely responsible. So someone that's mature and capable of understanding that can be pissed... and then realize that it is what it is, and really is no one's fault.

    Last point: When someone calls me "cocksucker", "faggot" or "queer", my thought (sometimes said out loud, sometimes not) is "Wow, is that really the best you can do? You're criticizing someone who knows who they love and can understand real love? I'm guessing, by that response, you have a lot of anger inside. Might be something to look at." Those thoughts are rooted in ignorance, fear, or... actually a lot more often, a desperate rejection of their own internal fears that *they* are gay. So it's not something I give any energy to, or allow to affect me. If anything, I feel compassion for the person who is so upset simply by the idea of someone who appears different to them.
     
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  10. out2019

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    I know this feeling- it's so strange the most intimate, satisfying sexual act I could imagine yet I was ashamed. What helped me is imagining doing it with someone I loved, as an expression of love between us.

    I have had at least two girlfriends who strongly suspected I was gay and blurted it out in anger - I guess that might be the fear for many husbands - the wife lashing out "I knew you were a fag', which leads me to:

    Thanks for posting this, I never realized how much those sort of comments even when they were not directed at me, caused me inner shame and repression.
     
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  11. Contented

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    At the start of acknowledging my homosexuality I told myself I could never bottom no matter how much I wanted to because that would mean I was a faggot. Topping would mean I wasn’t a sissy. The same thoughts involved preforming oral on another man because that would mean I was a cocksucker, again even though I desperately wanted to preform oral. It took me a little time to stop sabotaging my true sexual desires.
     
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  12. Chip

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    Isn't it funny how we set these arbitrary rules about what does or does not cross a line, and how utterly arbitrary the rules can be? Our minds can work in very strange ways.
     
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  13. Contented

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    That is so right because all along I wanted exactly what I set as off limits. There was no reason to set those limits but I did anyway. Thankfully it didn’t take too long to realize those limits were totally arbitrary and I was denying myself experiencing the joys of a open gay sexual relationship. Labels ceased to have any meaning or effect on me. I enjoyed what I enjoyed period. I was so worried about what others might think that I forgot I’m what counted.
     
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