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Am I love avoidant?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by mlansing, Oct 4, 2021.

  1. mlansing

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    Any time that things start to get serious with someone I start to get this unsettled feeling in my breast and I usually don’t end up staying in relationships for very long. I used to date women and I thought that was the reason I reacted that way, but I’ve noticed it with men too since coming out.

    I read online about love avoidance and some of it seemed to resonate with me. I’d like to think that I just haven’t met the right person yet, but I’m also now wondering if it’s me. The minute I go back to being single I get this feeling of relief and of things going back to normal, but yet deep down I really do want love and to have a life-long partnership.

    So the questions I would have are, what can I do if I am love avoidant to still have a fulfilling relationship? How do I know if my bad feeling in a relationship is me or that the person just really isn’t right/good for me? Is it possible that I really just haven’t met the right person for me? I’m curious if anyone has had similar questions to mine.
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    I do not deal with the four letter L word. It does sound though like you may be what is sometimes called commitment phobic (I do not think that this is not an actual thing that gets professionally diagnosed, commitment phobia is not a diagnosis in the DSM). You say that you do want a long term relationship but always seem to pull away from anything resembling one. I think that you should probably try therapy to see if you can work on whatever underlying issues that you may have regarding relationships.
     
  3. mlansing

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    I think therapy is a great idea to help me better understand this if nothing else. If I may ask, do you feel you are happier without love? Sometimes I feel it would be easier to embrace my single life (which is a good life, all things considered), but I can’t/don’t want to give up on love and the possibility that it can still happen for me.
     
  4. QuietPeace

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    Absolutely. Every single person who said that they loved me either was just using me for their own benefit (usually to my detriment) or they were simply scammers out to steal whatever they could get from me and then discard me like so much garbage. Life is so much better when avoiding abusive people.

    I have heard from others and in my own experience that if I am not able to be content on my own that I am not going to be content with someone else.
    True origin of quote is not certain https://quoteinvestigator.com/2020/11/22/where-you-go/

    I have found in my own life that if I am desperate to be with someone that it is a perfect recipe for finding someone willing to abuse me.

    Don't get me wrong. I do not at this point live alone. I am married to someone who so far seems to be really good for me. I also have friends and people that I spend time with and do things. My life is pretty good right now.
     
    #4 QuietPeace, Oct 5, 2021
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2021
  5. mlansing

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    Thank you, and I am happy for you because it seems like you are in a good place :slight_smile: