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Not sure but here it goes

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Jaimequestions, Sep 6, 2021.

  1. Nickw

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    I agree with your comment that breaking up a family to pursue sexual fantasies is, maybe, a bad idea. But, I don't see sexuality as something based on a fantasy or a kink. Sure, that exists with some of us. But, for the vast majority of those that identify as gay, I don't believe that we can categorize our sexual needs as something that is a choice. We cannot turn off the desires and needs. If we could, many of us would just choose to not be gay but we cannot. Being part of the "gay community" is secondary. Most of us would be quite gay without it!

    Being bisexual is a little bit different. I do have a choice in how I express my sexuality. So, I can stay in an opposite sex relationship and provide what my partner needs in the area of romance and intimacy. But, I cannot imagine how my wife would feel if I stayed with her because it is too expensive to leave her and deprive her of her needs for intimacy. A marriage is a partnership based on honesty and choice. Some gay folks are capable of providing what our opposite sex partners need. But, many of us may fool ourselves into believing the pretense of a straight marriage is enough for either partner.

    I would ask the OP to take some time to be sure that he is gay and not bisexual. However, from what he has written, I think he knows the answer. Getting some counseling in how he moves forward is a good idea before he approaches his wife. But, in all fairness, she does need to know.
     
  2. justaguyinsf

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    Hi Nickw ... I agree with much of what you say, particularly that people have sexual desires that should not be dismissed as simple fantasies or kinks. The desires are real and a part of each of us. My main point is that there seems to so much pressure, both internal and external, to label our desires as "gay," "straight," or "bisexual," and to then assume that the label dictates how one is to navigate life's choices, such as whether to come out to a spouse. But there are very real costs and benefits to that choice that should be considered without falling back on the label as a simple one-size-fits-all answer. If you've gotten to the stage in life where you're in a straight marriage with kids, the emotional and financial costs are going to be very high if you end the marriage. To many these costs are worth it, but I think there are also very many men for whom the costs are not worth it and they stay closeted and find a different outlet for their desires to be with other men. That's why I add my voice urging caution and sober reflection on what may happen so people are not blind-sided when they come out and find out the ramifications (especially when you have children) are very serious. The label is not the answer ... the answer is understanding one's self and making informed and considered choices (the desires are innate but the choices are not).
     
  3. Nickw

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    @justaguyinsf

    I believe this is a matter of perspective. One perspective is that, perhaps, we (meaning a gay man or woman) can set aside our desires and needs for same sex intimacy for the sake of our family. Many of us have done this for decades. The perspective, from our point of view is that it is us, the gay partner, who is suffering. The other perspective is that from our straight spouse. We all deserve to be sexually, emotionally and romantically happy. If we are involved with a spouse who cannot deliver this because of his/her sexuality, then we are being denied the same thing that our gay spouse is denying his/her self only without having the choice.

    So, our decision to remain in a straight marriage is making the decision for our spouse. That's not really fair. If both partners in a mixed orientation marriage agree to remain married, with eyes wide open, then that's OK.

    As a bisexual, it took me decades to understand that, even though I was and remain attracted to my wife, I was attracted to men. I had this secret fantasy life that did hold a place in my psyche. I decided that my wife needed to know that because it DID impact our marriage no matter how hard I tried to hide it. Just the act of hiding it prevented committing to the intimacy we needed. My wife had the choice to reject me because of this. But, she was provided the choice and that's what mattered.

    I won't sugar coat how difficult this is for those of us with children or how selfish our behavior may seem to our families and friends when we come out. For most of those of us with spouses and families this is one of the most difficult things we will ever be faced with. Sometimes we lose relationships with friends, family and even our children. I know a guy who is miserable after coming out and finding that life as a gay man is not so great. His wife has moved on and found happiness with another man. But, he gave her the chance to be happy. Isn't that really what we owe to our spouses?

    In the OP's case, he has a child on the way. This might not be the best time to hit his wife with this. Each of us does have a different set of circumstances that need to be considered as we go through the coming out process. Each spouse is a bit different and sometimes we need to protect them from damage during the process. So, I don't advocate just marching in and announcing "I'm gay" and letting the fallout begin. So, I agree that caution is merited.
     
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  4. Jaimequestions

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    I agree with what you are saying. I would rather suffer and make my daughter happy. She is the best. justaguyinsf name a LGBTQ charity you like and I will happily donate when I can. I love what I have seen about the community and I would love to help when I can, but my daughter will always come first.
     
  5. justaguyinsf

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    Nickw, I think I agree with everything you've written ... all true points. My main concern is that guys who are just starting to explore whether they might be gay or bi not get swept up into the notion of being their "real" selves without counting all of the costs, which might involve losing a marriage that might be working pretty well. I think there are a sizeable number of couples that have mixed orientation, and some of those are probably satisfactory to the folks who are in them.

    Dannytheshining, I feel the same way about my daughter, although she's an adult now. The parent-child relationship is one-of-a-kind.
     
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  6. Nickw

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    @Dannytheshining

    Just to be clear. I am not advocating that you deny your same sex attractions for the sake of your children or to satisfy some sense of obligation to a societal expectation.

    if you are like almost every other gay or bisexual man I know, your desires to be intimate with another man will only grow stronger. Many of us may well find ways to justify finding that intimacy on the down low. It happens...a lot. Not saying you will do this.

    I would suggest, if you aren’t already, getting into counseling to discuss your sexuality and learn if you are gay or bisexual. Because how you proceed with your life and your eventual conversation with your wife will depend on that.

    This may be counterintuitive, and I am not sure it is standard advice...but, I would also suggest trying to increase intimacy with your wife. You can discuss this idea with your counselor. My counselor and I decided it was a good idea for me prior to coming out to reinforce my desires for my wife. When I did come out to her our intimacy was more intense because we were learning to be more vulnerable with each other.

    Do you and your wife still enjoy intimacy? Is she happy with the level of intimacy that you have? These are also important questions to consider.
     
  7. Jaimequestions

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    Intimacy is lacking. I just can never get in the mood. I really regret not going out with a guy, playing around, and having that experience. I still do prefer the thought of a penis over the vagina.
     
  8. Nickw

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    Does your wife question this? Is she satisfied with “lacking intimacy”?

    FWIW, as a bisexual, I had the same thought that all I needed to do was experience intimacy with a man and I would get it out of my system. But, it didn’t work that way for me. I still desire men. There is not the urgency I once had and I know that I can live without it. But the desires just don’t diminish.

    They likely won’t for you either as someone who does appear to me to be more on the gay end of the spectrum.
     
  9. Markieg64

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    Hi there I have read your post and if you think your gay and like gay porn and your faniasies are being with a guy then i would say you are gay deep down . i have read all the other posts and its all good advice . i have been were you are right now its hard to accept im 57 now i was 48 when it all come flooding . i could not exept that i was gay till i found this site and they help me get through it and they can help you . but it takes time dont rush eney thing till you are sure its a long road good luck
     
  10. Contented

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    It would seem your preferring penis over vagina is pretty telling. As previously mentioned there doesn’t seem anything in your posts that remotely indicates you are anything other than gay. Admitting to being gay is the first significant step in embracing your journey to your authentic sexuality. I can tell you from experience trying bury the fact that your gay doesn’t work. Gay will not disappear by ignoring it. Frankly you find it will start to consume your thoughts until you are forced to deal with your same sex attraction.
     
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  11. Jaimequestions

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    I at times feel like I might be more curious because I do get consumed more with the ideas of giving oral and banging.
     
  12. EC User72

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    Maybe you're Androphile? I chat with an older handsome doctor in Massachusetts in his 50's. He doesn't consider himself gay, bi, or straight. He's a guy who is sexually expressive. He enjoys the erotic company of both men and women, and like me ... Gender fluid.