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confused about what sexual attraction is

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by poetrycat, Jul 24, 2021.

  1. poetrycat

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    Hi, I am questioning my sexuality for a third time now. I am fairly confident in my romantic orientation, as I'm in a committed relationship with another nonbinary person and I am definitely romantically attracted to them. Up until recently, I thought my sexuality matched my romantic orientation. However, I don't want to have sex.

    I've honestly always been confused by the concept of sexual attraction. I think that some people are pretty, and there's some people that I want to date. I even like the concept of kissing and cuddling to a certain extent. I kind of just thought that sexual attraction was the combination of thinking people are pretty and wanting to date them. Lately, though, I've realized that people might actually be referring to sex when they discuss sexual attraction. Am I misunderstanding, or is that the case?

    The thing is, if that is the case, then am I not sexually attracted to people (asexual, or somewhere on the asexual spectrum)? I don't think I'm repressed or anything, though I guess it's possible. Sometimes the thought of sex grosses me out, sometimes I'm more indifferent. Sometimes I don't even mind the thought of it theoretically, or in fiction, but later I always feel kind of grossed out, especially if it involves me in real life.

    I don't expect to come to a precise answer from a forum post, since this is a deeply personal subject. I'm probably going to have to think about things for a while. Still, if anybody has any insight, it'd be much appreciated.
     
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  2. SunnyNarwal

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    It
    is certainly possible that you are on the ace spectrum. However, I would also say that, if you are in an exploratory/questioning phase; don't knock the idea that you may be a sexual person who simply hasn't figured it out yet. I know this can sound dismissive, and obviously if you are actually ace, I am not saying at all that at one point your asexuality will be "fixed". The reason why I'm saying you simply may not know your own sexuality yet, is from personal experience. I'm going to share it with you because I was in a similar position to yourself, but as you said, ultimately only you can figure out what your desires are/aren't. I believed I was on the ace spectrum, probably asexual and demiromantic for many years, because I only knew to look at men as potential partners. I was raised in a very religious, conservative household, and I was told that attraction and "falling in love" was something that could only happen between a man and a woman. So, I just assumed that liking someone (a man) as a person and thinking they were good looking was the same thing as being attracted/having a crush. By the time I was 16/17 I figured out that I hadn't actually experienced "attraction". I assumed I was ace and that sexuality just wasn't in the cards for me. But, around 18-20, waaay after when I thought I was supposed to have a "sexual awakening" I started having funny feelings about women. One day, while watching an dance video with women dancing provocatively, I realized I was aroused. It was the first time I noticed sexual desire. I had been having dreams about women for years, but always pushed them down and told myself they were irrelevant. Turns out, I was just a lesbian who had pre-programmed to not be able to figure it out.
    I am not saying that you are like me, but I would say be cautious of the fact that past experiences and your environment can drastically affect the way you view your own sexuality, to the extent where you don't realize your own desires.
     
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  3. poetrycat

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    Thanks for sharing! I really appreciate it. While I don't think my situation is too similar to yours, I'll definitely try to keep in mind other possible explanations and continue researching.
     
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  4. George Donis

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    Maybe stop consciously thinking about your innate desires in an attempt to rationalise them would be a good start. Questioning yourself and your desires only leads to self doubt. The best advice I could give is to simply allow yourself to “feel your feelings” without challenging them. You feel what you feel, others cannot know what you feel and all of your feelings are valid to you. Relax, breathe and let your emotions guide you. That is why you have them in the first place. They have a job to do, let them do it.
    Sexual attraction is superficially linked to appearance, it has more to do with the personality of the intended partner than most people realise. If it feels right, it is right. If it doesn’t feel right it is wrong. Don’t sweat it.
     
  5. Spaceseed

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    I had to log on just to point out how well you said it « allow yourself to feel you feelings without challenging them «
    You could not have said it better , everybody could use this !!! Brilliant .
     
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  6. poetrycat

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    Thank you for your insight. I'm feeling pretty emotionally confused about the whole thing right now, and I think I just need to let myself process my emotions at my own pace without worrying too much about whatever conclusion I end up coming to.

    Honestly, something I need to remind myself is that even if I label myself something for a bit and I end up deciding that it doesn't fit me, it's not a big deal. It's a part of the process of figuring things out and that's valuable in its own way. Or at least that's how it is for me. Thanks once again for the advice.