Hello, So I had started talking to this guy I immediately hit it off with 4 months ago. We met 2 months ago and had an excellent first date, with another equally excellent second date early June, spending the night together and most of the next day (no sex - we wanted to wait). Our contact continued often with many photos and such between us, even though the next few weeks were busy with other things for us both. He bought me a gift from a weekend trip that he took, and we went out again over the 4th of July which was also a very nice night where we spent the night together again, this time having sex (no anal). I went on a weekend trip with him and a few of his friends this weekend that was planned 2 weeks ago, which seemed to go well. We fooled around again, had plenty of kissing and hand holding. On the way home he was affectionate, rubbing my leg and reaching for my hand, giving a kiss. On Tuesday I received a text that said he has loved all the time spent with me, but that he doesn't think there's chemistry for the next step. I was a bit floored. It's not like this hasn't happened to me plenty of times before - it has (among other things like being ghosted). I'm just in shock that someone could be wanting to hold my hand and show such affection and give me a gift a week before, take a trip with me and introduce me to friends - then say it's over and there's not chemistry (which is vague to me). I'm fairly positive he was probably playing the field and met some other guy that has become the new flavor of the moment for him. I can't imagine anything else - I've dated long enough to see this kind of thing. I haven't responded yet, but plan on asking for a phone call. I would at least want to stay friends and work on that. Deep down I want to change his mind, but I doubt that'll happen - I know. I'm just hurt/sad/depressed more than usual over a guy and am not sure how to proceed and how to ask questions of him. I truly felt this one was different and we meshed so well. I've never searched for advice on a forum for dating, but figured it was worth a shot.
Hi, and welcome. It absolutely sucks when this sort of thing happens, and it can really make you feel like there's something very wrong with you that makes you unloveable. I hope that if you're feeing that sort of thing that you realize that it isn't true and you are worthy of someone who cares as much about you as you do about them. Here's the tough part: It very often happens that someone -- especially someone who is thoughtful and takes time to understand their feelings -- will take a few dates to decide if things are working. And, if you really think about it, if someone has decided that it isn't working, it's much better to end things quickly so that the other person doesn't feel led on. If he was the one who suggested waiting on sex, it's possible he's been hurt and is very gun shy, which could easily explain the time between dates. It's possible he's just relationship-averse and torn. And, of course, it's also possible that everything is at face value, and he simply didn't feel the connection, which certainly happens and isn't necessarily any reflection on you. The thing to remember is that all of us have baggage that gets in the way of having healthy relationships. And gay men get an extra serving of the baggage everyone else gets, because of the messages we get from society, organized religion, media, etc. that being gay is wrong and bad and we are bad. So when you're dating, it isn't going to be uncommon to run into that. And you're unlikely to find someone who doesn't have some baggage (including yourself.) The key is finding someone who has some idea where their baggage lies, and is willing to own it and address it and work on it. And that's a tall order for many gay men. So it just requires some patience. As for what to do... honestly, I'd just let it go. I wouldn't ask for a call and I wouldn't want to focus on staying friends, at least for now. It is near impossible to do that without having the hope/expectation that you can win the person back over, and that almost never goes over well. I get how much it hurts and why this feels like a solution but I don't think it's the one you really want in the long term. Instead, I'd put the energy into loving and appreciating yourself for who you are, and working on getting to a place where you are happy exactly as you are. When it feels like you need a relationship to be happy... you'll never really be happy, because you are externalizing your happiness. When you get to the place that you're happy and content being single, then seeking a partner just enhances that, and you approach it very differently.
Thank you for the reply. The sex thing was a mutual agreement, as both of us mentioned being burned in the past from being too sexual too soon. Just felt like I got mixed messages. I don't know why he was reaching to hold my hand and kissing me on our last day together, then the next day saying he didn't feel any more chemistry. I'm sure I'll get over it like all the ones before. It just feels harder, like a fair chance wasn't given.
@StormX12 - Welcome! Another great post from Chip. My 2 cents to add... Calendar this guy for a few weeks. Say, August 1. If you haven’t heard from him before then, just send him a short message. Something like you’re thinking about him, hope he’s doing well. No mention about your previous dates with him, and no questions about his behavior. Just a friendly hello and best wishes.
Thank you for the replies. Dating is complicated and talking sometimes helps, which I've done plenty with friends. Reached out, and we're going to have a meeting in person to have a conversation in the near future. I'm sure I'll be a bit nervous.
