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Was my crush male best friend bisexual/gay?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by seekf2, Apr 20, 2021.

  1. seekf2

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    Hey guys,

    I would like to ask for your help and opinion. In high school, when I was 15-16 years old, I realized that I am more attracted to boys than girls, and soon I fall in love with my male best friend. Unfortunately, I had never had the courage to tell him that I am gay, and that I love him. However, I did my best to get closer to him, to try to find out if we could be more than friends. While we haven't been in a romantic relationship, I believe we somehow were a bit more than just friends, but we never had the possibility to talk about it, and I am so confused about what really meant that for him.

    There was a shorter period (some months), when we watched movies in the bed while I was hugging him. He let it to hug him, but he never reciprocated it. We even slept together a couple of days, and was a shorter period when I could hug him in many situations (like cooking together, and I hugged him from the behind). It happened some years ago, but still I can remember that period, I was feeling like we would be a couple. However, always I was the one who initiated these actions, and most of the time, he just tolerated passively. But there were some occasions, when I could see in his eyes and face that he enjoyed being so close together, there were situations when his face was red, he laughed to everything and smiled continuously (like you would do with someone who you crush on).

    For my disappointment, I was so frustrated and I couldn't handle good that we couldn't discuss about our feelings, and it ruined our relationship. We had many conflicts and arguments. He said several times that he doesn't like it that I am hugging him, and I should find a girlfriend for it - but still, he was the one who invited me to watch films, and he obviously knew that it will also mean that we will watch that together, while I am hugging him. I remember he was saying about a lot of things that he doesn't want to do it, but in the end he still did it, and enjoyed it - so I could never take it to seriously what he said, so most of the time I ignored it. I need to admit, that I achieved all of this by being so persistent, but still, I believe I couldn't have succeed if he would have been 100% straight.

    Despite all the arguments which ruined our friendship, we still managed to be friends, but the hugging and closer relationship ended. 3 years ago he started dating a girl, and they are still a couple. That was the moment when I realized that we may not be together, I fall in depression, and started to try forgetting about him. We haven't spoken for 2 years, and I am still attracted to him, and I cannot stop thinking about him. I socially isolated myself, I have no real friends, and I am living just for my job and studies - which obviously are both online, so meeting face-to-face people is almost impossible. I am dealing with anxiety, and despite I am attending psychological therapy, it doesn't help - I am stuck in my life at the age of 22, and main reason could be this relationship, which I could never understand why happened.

    I am so uncertain about what this boy could feel for me, how he experienced all this, what our relationship meant for him. Was he straight, or was he bi-curious and just couldn't accept himself, and choose to stifle his feelings?

    Recently I was thinking that may be a good idea to contact him, and talk about my feelings to him. I haven't told that before, because I was afraid of losing him as a friend, and I didn't want to risk our relationship. But as the friendship already ended, I may have nothing to lose, and could help me move forward. (Obviously, secretly, I am still hoping that this would mean that he realizes that he was also attracted to me, and would like to experience a romantic relationship - sweet dreams...).

    Please if you have any experience or idea about this situation, let me know, it would mean a lot for me.
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    He was your first major crush and that is difficult to get over. The thing is that from how you describe it the relationship was one sided as far as that goes.

    Pay attention to this, you initiated everything and you even admit that he only tolerated it.

    A red face can also mean embarrassment. He did like you as a friend for certain but you could very well be reading everything else into it because you want it so much.

    So, essentially you sexually assaulted him repeatedly but he never called you on it and you read that as him enjoying it. As someone who has had nonconsensual activities repeatedly I can assure you that even if we do not struggle and shout we do not want it. I cannot read his mind any more than you could but his statements indicate that he did not want it and you should accept that.

    He is already in a relationship so even if he were bi it would be inappropriate for you to approach him. Add to that the fact that he never initiated and repeatedly asked you to stop. I do not think that contacting him would be in any way helpful. You need to accept that this never was a romantic relationship and is not going to become one. It is time for you to move on and find someone who actually wants to be with you. There are lots of men out there many who actively want to be in a relationship with a man.
     
  3. sojabohnenfeld

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    ^ much like the above post, you should probably just accept it. It's not easy. But you deserve someone who wants to be with you also, someone who will communicate more directly. Some people are just too difficult to understand, and you can't know until he says, if he says.
     
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  4. BiGemini87

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    Even if he had feelings for you and was closeted, it sounds like he either wasn't ready to be out, maybe never will be out, and that even if he had been, there's no guarantee he shared your feelings anyway.

    I don't say this to be mean--but it's definitely a possibility. Even if you knew irrefutably that he was gay/bi, it still wouldn't guarantee mutual attraction. Moreover, @QuietPeace is right; you basically assaulted him. I don't necessarily think this makes you a bad person--as it was hugging, and it sounds more like misguided actions brought on by miscommunication than anything--but it still doesn't bode well to do anything against someone else's wishes. Even if he had been attracted to you, it wouldn't have been right because he still didn't want the attention you were giving him. It sounds to me like he resigned himself because of your persistence.

    I highly recommend remembering this, if/when you pursue a relationship in the future. Consent is so, so important, no matter who the person is to you--friend or more. Also, if you simply want to seek closure, you are certainly well within your rights to do so--but be prepared for the possibility that not only might he not take it well, he might spread it around. I also wouldn't hope for any romance with him, given he's currently in a relationship. If you really care for him, you won't wish for his relationship to fail, or do anything that could hurt it.

    Harsh as this may seem, I understand your feelings, I do. Unrequited infatuation/love can be really hard, sometimes. Especially when you're young. But the best thing you can do for yourself is let him go.
     
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  5. Chip

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    I don't hear anything in what you describe that sounds like he is bi or gay. On the contrary, it sounds like he may have not been particularly assertive, and just went along with stuff that he was very uncomfortable with because you insisted and were assertive.

    I would let it go.
     
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  6. WindyMom

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    The person who wants to be with you will move heaven and earth to be with you. The first crush is always the hardest. He might be bi because he is with a girl. You deserve better and you will meet that someone who will sweep you away
     
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