This thread is not directly related to LGBT issues, but for me it is in a roundabout way. I had this friend in high school who had stalkerish tendencies. He would call girls he liked on the phone and harass them or send sexually harassing messages to them online. He also was super clingy and would call me to talk on the phone every week even years after we both graduated from college (we went to the same college too). For many years I put up with it because I didn’t have a lot of male friends and I was insecure about that, so I made sure to hold on to his friendship as a good cover that I had male friends and that I wasn’t gay. Fast forward to about 10 years ago when I finally got fed up with him calling so much and I basically stopped talking to him after we had an argument about it (for the record, I tried to set boundaries with him befor that, asking him for instance not to call multiple days in a row or multiple times in one day). At the time I stopped talking to him I had moved away so it was relatively easy to move on. Fast forward to 5 years ago when I got a job at the college where we both went in the city he lives in. I was a bit worried that he would try to track me down, but I hadn’t heard anything until today, when he left an uncomfortable invasive message on one of my YouTube videos. I am not sure if I should delete the message and block him or delete the message and block him later if he tries to leave a comment on another video, because in a weird way I don’t want to make the situation worse. I ended up making another video private that I filmed outside my home because I didn’t want him to figure out where I live, especially now that we are in the same city again and has likely figured out that I work at the university we both went to (I deduced that he knows that based on the comment he left on my video). I don’t think he would take things too far but who really knows and I am feeling very uncomfortable and unsure how to proceed. I appreciate any feedback or insight anyone might have.
Oh my god I know what you mean. It is 100% wrong to harass girls in the way that he did and believe me I have met PLENTY of guys like this. They just don't take no for an answer, they just don't accept reality. I'm sorry your friend was clingy. It sounds like you know not to be like that. I think it has something to do with development or childhood or something. I have no idea. But I have had friends like that. That didn't respect boundaries, or that didn't understand the depth of the relationship. You are completely within your rights to be fed up with that. It's disrespectful to follow someone around and demand all of their attention... if I'm understanding right. It's pretty crazy he left a comment like that on your video so I am going to assume he is kind of lonely. I mean, I feel bad. But social skills are very important. Also, I too am gay and make friends with girls a lot faster than with guys. But what I suggest you do is, don't outright tell him that he is being unrealistic. It seems to me like this person would not understand you if you tried to explain that. Keep your interactions short. One word answers. Don't be mean, but like, just be busy. I'm not sure. But it is very unfortunate when there is someone in your life like this, demanding all of your thoughts. Not sure if this helps, I may be talking about my own life but... you just have to prioritize your own self sometimes. Maybe others have different opinions. I hope this isn't too harsh.
This is not stalkerish, he is flat out a stalker and he should be called out for it. He needs treatment of some sort and in my opinion should be prosecuted but unfortunately men are allowed to get away with this sort of garbage. (part of why I fled one city and then eventually an entire nation was being treated like this) Imagine how the women he does this to feel. If someone makes me feel uncomfortable I block them with no hesitation. I have my exhusband and his mother blocked on both of my emails and my phone. If I had social media I would have sought them out and blocked them there also.
Thank you, and I agree it is not stalkerish but full-blown stalker behavior. To be clear, I haven’t talked to this person since 2012, but I had noticed he had been calling my phone since then and I finally changed my number because of him. I did block him from my YouTube channel and I even made a couple more videos private that I didn’t want him to see (or continue to view if he already has seen them). It sucks that I have to do that because of one person but I have to prioritize my mental health because right now I’m feeling a bit out of control and anxious with the situation. Thank you for your feedback.
This is a pretty severe mental health issue that has been going on for some time, and obviously is not improving. If I were in your situation, I would familiarize myself with your local laws and regulations around stalking. Check your online footprint and do your best to ensure your address isn't available anywhere. (Might be worth getting a PO box and having all your mail go there, and changing all of your addresses of where mail is sent to the PO box.) This sounds extreme, but with folks like this, you just don't know where the line is. I think blocking him and minimizing interaction is your best route. It might be sensible if he continues to try to get in contact to say something like "I appreciated our time together, but I'm in a different place in my life and I don't think continuing our friendship would be a good thing for either of us. I'd ask you to respect that boundary. If you are not able to, it may be necessary for me to take more serious legal steps, and I would really rather not have to do that. I hope you can understand and will respect my wishes." And after you've done that, if you get further contact, file police reports every time it happens, so there's documentation if you ever do have to go for a restraining order.
The problem is that no one has confronted him and told him to knock it off. He sounds like he may have some social illness like Asperger’s syndrome or something. Do what you need to do but I would threaten him with the police. Some guys don’t realize they are being like this.
