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I can't sleep properly because of my intrusive thoughts...

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by vicckayo, Jun 5, 2021.

  1. vicckayo

    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Hello, everybody. That is my first post ever, lol.
    First, I will introduce myself briefly; I'm Vic. My pronouns are he/him. I discovered I was LGBT when I was 11 years old (2016).

    Before 2019 I was very confident about my sexuality. From 2016 till' 2018, I identified as bisexual but discovered I wasn't really into girls. My so-called bisexuality was like a mask I used to hide my true self. In reality, I was disgusted by female genitals. After I discovered that in 2018, I started identifying as a gay guy. At that time, I felt so confident about my sexuality; I felt unstoppable. Like every person, I didn't think that much about my sexuality. However, by the end of 2019, the nightmare started. That year I started having those intrusive thoughts about being straight, etc. In reality, I didn't pay so much attention because I was pretty confident about my sexuality. However, these thoughts wouldn't stop occurring. It all started when I started watching straight porn; I was just sick of watching gay porn, and I was simply curious. Back then I have never considered straight porn "attractive" because of the women in it. However, I clicked on that porn clip, and I did that because of the men, of course. That was the first time I masturbated on straight porn. Since then, I'm not the same. My environment is pretty bad - I live under domestic abuse, I am being told constantly that I should get a girlfriend (my dad also wouldn't stop talking about how I will have kids in the future, and other awful stuff), I am occasionally a victim of severe internalized homophobia because of my teachers, and other awful stuff which I can't really talk about. In 2020, I discovered the term Sexual Orientation Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. I secretly think that I have Heterosexual OCD, BUT I don't want to self-diagnose... I guess I'm "too young" to determine that. I can't really seek the help of a psychologist since first of all, I live in a very narrow-minded country (hence homophobic), and second - I don't have the money for treatment; I live in a poor country, so you could imagine what's like. The same year my intrusive thoughts got so bad that I couldn't think of anything else but my sexuality. I even paid for an online course for OCD-related treatment, but it didn't work. My intrusive thoughts are that bad that I would wake up at night and start obsessing. When I'm at school, my intrusive thoughts aren't that frequent. That's because I avoid them, but by doing so, I start feeling more convinced that I'm not gay. I feel like I'm so sick of these thoughts that I start accepting them only so that they stop. I can't say out loud that I'm gay anymore; it will worsen my intrusive thoughts. I am almost convinced by this "monster" inside my head that I'm a homoromantic bisexual... I'm so confused that I want to commit suicide. I started hating myself for my sexuality. Without it, I maybe would have never gone through so much mental pain. From the other side, I want my old self to come back; the self-accepting one; the self-loving one. However, my intrusive thoughts prevent me from doing so. I want to write more, and more stuff. However, I know that I might be intrusive to y'all with this story. I would sincerely appreciate any advice from people that have gone/are going through the same torture... Thank you for reading, have a great day.
     
  2. sojabohnenfeld

    Regular Member

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    I'm sorry this is happening to you! You shouldn't have to label yourself if it's causing so much confusion. I'm from the USA so my experience was different but I understand the pressure from your family to be in a straight relationship.

    I find gay porn pretty dull and straight porn scarring, so I would suggest you ask yourself, what kind of people do you feel drawn to? What do you find attractive? I'm sorry my advice is so simple but it might help. You don't have to call yourself anything just ask yourself or write down a list of the things you like in a person... maybe this helps?
     
  3. QuietPeace

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    Welcome to EC.

    I am not a professional and even a professional could not diagnose you from an online post but it does sound a lot like OCD to me. The thing is that OCD needs treatment, at least therapy and often it needs to be addressed by medications. It is not something that you can think away or push down because of how it works. A book that I have seen recommended is Brain Lock by Jeffery M Schwartz MD. For more direct help you can message one of the Staff here (as a new member the only people that you can message are staff) Chip often talks about OCD and what can help it.
    https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/individual-support.479111/