Confused about my feelings

Something that I had to learn and which I think might help you. I had to decide that living my own life as who I really am does not harm or hurt anyone no matter how often they may try to gaslight me that it does hurt them. In fact society, family, church forcing me into pretending to be someone who I am not hurt not only me but also everyone involved (a wife and 3 children most but also more distant people like her family and more). All of us were harmed a great deal and we all would have been better off had I not done "what was expected" of me.

 

Not just your lives, but if you have children together it will affect them too. I am in the situation right now where not coming out is causing me stress which I think I show to my family and this is unfair. But the fear of telling them at this point is huge for me.

I understand your difficulty in not upsetting your parents, but it is your future and the future of a potential partner/family to be considered too. I know everyone's situation is unique and different, but if you are in a position where you are questioning your sexuality and have the chance to not take the wrong choice, then try to be honest with everyone if you can.

I am happy I married my wife and that we have 2 wonderful kids, but I regret not being honest with them. I just wasn't clear in my preferences until more recently.

 

So, I can tell you that I took door #2 where I didn't marry, but I didn't come out or allow myself to live as a lesbian either. I'm in my early 40's now. And it's not great either. To give you an idea, when I finally came out to myself even 2 years ago (and just quit lying to myself and just told my friends), I lost 60lbs, was able to get off of blood pressure meds (because that had been sky high), and friends and co-workers told me I looked visibly happier and healthier once I did that (and I'm not even fully out or dating properly yet because covid). Being closeted was killing me. I think kind of literally. It was ruining my physical and mental health.

I'm in therapy now and was told my anxiety is a direct result of being closeted. Because I spent all those years terrified of someone finding out. I have all of these quirks that are annoying as a direct result of that. Meanwhile, I'm in my 40's and am just now facing the idea of dating, sex, and relationships (with feels pathetic and brings its own anxiety since most people do that much younger). I'm facing a much diminished dating pool because I waited so long. I spent over half my life alone because I waited so long. The idea of having children is no longer appealing because I waited so long. If I had come out 25 years ago, I might could have had a family and a life with a partner (a lesbian partner). Which, ironically, my parents like to complain on the regular about me being alone.

Meanwhile, I'm having to work to not resent my parents for holding me back from living my life (when they didn't know they were doing it overtly). My religious faith is shattered (because I'm realizing they were full of crap). AND I still have to come out to my parents (doing it in a few weeks). It's unlikely that their reaction will have improved by delaying it. I've just gotten to live in dread and to be mad at them every time they say or do something homophobic. So, I'm effectively like that 12 year old child that got themselves grounded and caused all this misery because they didn't want to clean their room and still wound up having to do it eventually. It didn't make the room easier to clean by stalling. It just caused more misery and the room still had to be dealt with.

Sooner or later you're going to wind up wanting or needing to tell your parents. Meanwhile, you're not allowing yourself to learn to live as a gay man, you're not allowing yourself to find your community, and you're not allowing yourself to be in the kind of romantic relationships that have a shred of hope of being authentic and fulfilling. And you may be giving up your opportunity to pursue starting your own family in your youth and in a healthy way (with a partner that you actually can love and want to be with). You're not giving your parents time to either learn to accept you or not. And if they're not going to learn to accept you, you're not letting yourself begin to heal from that. And if they are going to accept you, you're not giving yourself that relief.

It's certainly your life to do with as you will. But, as someone who didn't attempt a "fake it 'til you make it" marriage but did stay closeted way too freaking long, I can tell it you it still came at a steep price that I'm still dealing with. And it didn't improve my siutation. I still may lose my parents in 3 week. But I face that AND I wasted decades of my life for them to still not be happy.

 

Hello, Braj. I can't tell you what your sexuality is. I just wanted to say that reading your story really resonated within me, I feel as if I am in a very similar place as you are. I am a 24 year old guy trying to figure out my sexuality. I find men sexually attractive, but I don't feel like wanting a long term romantic relationship with a man. I can notice a beautiful woman, but rarely find them sexually attractive, though I can't say never. But I feel like I would enjoy being in a romantic relationship with a woman, and if there's an emotional connection present, I could feel sexual attraction. I believe that's what demisexuality is.

Also, just like you said about yourself, I do have social anxiety too. What you said about possibility of anxiety discouraging you from forming relationships with women felt very familliar. It does make sense and from my own experience I would suspect it can be true.

I also share the fears that you have about marriage and upsetting loved ones. I've given some thought about it and concluded that if I ever marry a woman, I want her to know everything about me and my sexuality before marriage. Commited relationships must be transparent in order to work and to leave no room for surprising upsets. But if I decide to come out as a gay or mostly gay man, my parents might get upset. In such scenario we must realize that it's not our fault for being the way we are. It's not our fault if our parents get upset about us not living up to their expectations. Maybe it's their fault for having such expectations and implicitly enforcing us to live by them. Hence we all must face reality and to accept it whatever it is. If our parents can't accept it then it's not our fault.

But the good thing about us is that we are trying to find out the answer to this question no matter how difficult it is. In the end it will be all worth it. As for now, for me personally it's best to label myself as "questioning" and being open to any possibility. I think I still can come out as "questioning" and it's more honest with people than being fully in closet. Later on I might clarify on my sexuality.

I know I spoke a lot about myself here, but maybe you will find something relatable to you as I did while reading your story.

 

understandable. You are in India, right? My guess is it would be a lot harder there than say, a country in Europe - though family situations can be tough anywhere depending on the culture, religion, and personal views of family members.

 

Hello @Braj. I just spent half-hour reading all the posts in this thread. You've received wonderful comments and advice in this thread. I just wanted to jump in and say that we live in a hetero-normative society. It's harsh, and it's sad, but it's reality. I'm an Indian who grew up in the same cultural orthodoxy that is the common Indian Society.

We love our parents and we don't want to do anything that makes them unhappy or goes against society, that is "normal" for us, we've grown up that way, conforming to society and being obedient. But at some point, we have to stop and think of our happiness and our feelings. I learnt that the hard way, I went through stuff, took hard decisions and steps. It will not be easy. But the first step is to accept yourself. You're already a great guy when you said that you don't want to ruin a girl's life by getting married to her, or something along those lines.

Porn isn't a great indicator of sexual preference or gender. So I wouldn't read much into it. Trust me, I know that in India because of the limited access to meet guys and date them, or even girls, we turn to Porn and rely on it, mostly. But I'd encourage you to get onto dating apps, to find forums online for Indians and try to meet guys and see what happens. Experience it. It will be tough, 9 out of 10 guys might not be genuine, but you may find some amazing people and might find yourself truly.

Message me anytime you want. I totally understand what you're going through. Take care.