I just don't like condoms

OK, this is one of those places where it is near impossible for me to be nonjudgmental.

Your first 40something partner was a manipulative piece of shit. This is the sort of self-centered asshole who needs to be shot. I personally know of a guy in SF who did the same sort of thing... was in his late 30s, manipulated a ton of guys who were in their later teens to bottom for him without condoms. He was HIV+ and infected dozens of people. He regularly moved to stay ahead of authorities (what he was doing is a felony.) He eventually got caught. But many do not.

And now, quite honestly, it's not a matter of "if" for you, but "when." Anyone willing to bareback is someone who has barebacked with other people. Anyone who *asks* you to bareback is someone who never uses condoms, and most likely is promiscuous. And those are the folks you get HIV from. It's going to happen.

The problem is, because it is now "treatable", people think it's not a big deal. If you lived through the era where people in their 20s were attending a dozen funerals every week where their friends that they were hanging out and having fun with two weeks ago were now dead. I strongly recommend watching "Pose" to get a real-life sense of what this was like. Hundreds of thousands died because, back then, people didn't know what the cause or how it was transmitted. Now we know, and people are too fucking selfish to take care of themselves or others. So all the folks that came before, and gave their lives... that's all for naught.

The death toll is smaller now, but nonetheless, I do not know a single person who is now HIV+ who doesn't wish they had listened when folks told them how stupid and foolish and selfish they were being. Not one. ALL of them wish they had listened. But they can't fix it now. They are stuck for life. With doctor visits every month or two. Constant adjustments to their medication. Constant blood tests. Days they don't feel so great. All because they were too fucking lazy and selfish to use a condom.

There. Is. No. Excuse. Not. To. Use. A. Condom. Every. Single. Time.

This is entirely a mindset. There are many types of condoms that are so thin you cannot even tell they are there. If you have a partner who insists on using one, that's someone who (1) doesn't give a fuck about his own health, and (2) doesn't give a fuck about your health, safety and well being. All he gives a shit about is getting his own jollies off.

I'm sorry, but I have nothing but contempt for assholes like that.

Edit: It's been pointed out to me that some folks might assume I'm being literal when I suggest that someone should be shot. Of course I'm not. A better metaphor might be that folks like that deserve to be struck by lightning, or to have a hole open up in the earth and they fall through it. Violence in any form is never the answer.

 

Prep is better than nothing but
(a) the manufacturer makes it clear that it is intended to be used with condoms, not as a replacement, and
(b) it is terrible for your liver and is not safe in the long term.

If one is absolutely, constitutionally incapable of being able to use a condom to keep themslves and their partner healthy, or so focused on their own pleasure that that's all that matters, then I guess PrEP is an option. But it's just a different trade off. HIV is the cost that comes with barebacking; severe, potentially fatal liver disease is the cost that comes with using PrEP over a long period.

By the way, while we are on the topic: People do this "Oh, we're a committed couple, and we're going to be faithful to each other, so we can go without the condoms." Guess what? An enormous percentage of new HIV infections come from "committed couples" who were absolutely certain that the other person would be faithful. I personally know someone who became HIV+ at 19, with his first boyfriend, because he foolishly believed his boyfriend was trustworthy. The boyfriend never told my friend he was cheating, and the boyfriend did not even know he was HIV+ until my friend got routine blood work, found he was HIV+, and knew his only sexual partner was his "faithful" boyfriend.

So what I always say is that condoms don't say "I don't trust you" or "I don't love you." They instead say "I love and care about you enough to want to make sure you are always healthy, and to stay healthy for you. And this way, if one of us does something stupid at some point and we aren't ready to tell the other, we are still safe for each other." That is real, genuine love and caring for one another, not some bullshit of "if you really loved me, you wouldn't need a condom."

 

Ugh. I fucking HATE manipulative assholes like that, and while, as someone pointed out, I would not literally like to see people like that shot, I *would* like to see them arrested and spend about 10 years in jail. What happened to you the first time was rape. If you were intoxicated, you were not capable of giving consent. He knew this. So he's not only a piece of shit, he's a rapist. And probably a serial rapist. Definitely a horrible human being.

 

So this is an important piece, and one question to ask yourself is, "Is this what you really want for yourself?" Do you want to be submissive and live your live in a way where everyone takes advantage of you, dominates, you, controls you? That may sound like a loaded question, but it is not... there are some who genuinely seem to want that. And if that's the case, and you're completely happy with that, then there's nothing to change.

Most folks, however, don't want that, and are simply resigned to it because they believe they have no other choice and can't change. And that isn't remotely true. You behave this way because of experiences in your family-of-origin that taught you that this was how you needed to behave in order to survive. If you want to change that, you can. And I suspect that if you do choose to work on changing that, you may find yourself a lot happier, because your relationships will be built on the mutual fulfillment of both of your needs.

If this is something that sounds appealing to you, there are some resources and suggestions I can offer. But again, if you are genuinely happy with where you are, that's absolutely a reasonable choice as well.

 

That's a great and positive step for you. I'd encourage you to think about the questions I asked above, and gain an understanding in what you want, in the long term, and if changes are necessary, you may want to spend some time working on yourself before getting yourself into a relationship. If you decide there's value for you in working on the issues you've described, it will be hard to do that if you are in a relationship, as it will likely influence how you "show up" for others.

One other piece: There is absolutely nothing wrong with meeting someone and hooking up with them on a first date, or, for that matter, meeting someone solely for sex. However, what's important in these situations is what your intent is in doing so. If you see yourself primarily as a sexual object, and that you feel an obligation or expectation that you should have sex the first time you meet someone... then that tends to imply that you see that your primary or only value is as a sex object... that the only reason people would be with you is for sex. And if that's the underlying belief, I would suggest that this is not a healthy self-perecption, as you are much more than that.

These are bigger questions that might be worth considering. I'm not offering any particular actions, nor am I suggesting you need to come to any particular conclusion, only that these might be issues you want to think about.