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Living with my boyfriend but needing some time alone

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Snoww, May 10, 2021.

  1. Snoww

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    Hi peeps! Used to be super active on this website a few years ago, it's good to be back :slight_smile:

    Some context, I'm a 19 year old female, I identify as bisexual with a preference for women, and I've been in a relationship with a 19 year old pansexual guy for 2 years and a half now. Relationship is going somewhat well, although we very much care about each other. Our habit for hanging out was that we would stay a few months at my parent's place, then a few months at his'. About 6 months ago though, my boyfriend got into a serious argument with his abusive dad, and we left in a hurry to stay at my place. While everyone thought this was temporary, my boyfriend does not want to return to his home. I fully support him in his decision and I understand why he cut his dad off, but I have noticed that it is causing issues with my parents, and in our relationship as well. My parents are starting to not like having him stay here, especially without asking for their authorization first. They often tell me that, and want me to reason with him to go back home, which obviously I can't do (I want to support him not convince him to change his mind). Lately my relationship with him hasn't been going great either, and I feel like I need some time alone, without knowing he's constantly in the house. However, where would he go? I feel stuck, any advice?
     
  2. Snoww

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    Hello again! I forgot to mention, my boyfriend is planning on moving out at the end of the summer I think. He will work during the summer to make some money so he can move out, as he is aware that my parents want him to leave soon.
     
    #2 Snoww, May 10, 2021
    Last edited: May 10, 2021
  3. mlansing

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    I think it would be best to respect your parents’ wishes, first and foremost. Having a guest in your parents’ place who has overstayed his welcome will definitely put a strain on your relationship, both with your parents and with your guy. You said he is moving out this summer, so see how things go then. Once you guys have a bit more breathing room things might feel a little clearer for both of you.
     
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  4. Suitsme

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    I totally agree with @mlansing

    Your parents are priority and you don’t want your relationship with them to be affected.

    The whole situation isn’t ideal really but can’t be helped due to financial reasons. Anyone in a relationship that has to live in the same house as their parents will have a strained relationship.

    No wonder you feel you need time alone. We all need our space and you won’t get any “you” time in a situation like this. That’s when things start to get strained.

    I hope things work out for you both. At least your boyfriend is aware that he needs to move out ASAP.
     
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  5. Aspen

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    It sounds like you already have the best possible solution in the works! Working will give him a chance to make money to move out and should also get him out of the house so that you can have some alone time. In the meantime, are your parents aware that his dad is abusive and that's why he doesn't want to return home?
     
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  6. Snoww

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    I have told them so yes. They think it's less bad than it actually is and that my boyfriend should forgive his dad and go back home. But having been present when the whole argument occurred, I would also have reacted the same way he did, especially considering he was abused quite a lot a few years ago and they had to go to court. I feel like I'm not exactly in the right place to mention the last part though, so I told my parents to directly talk to my boyfriend about this, and they still haven't (he's been here 6 months now).
     
  7. QuietPeace

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    It might help if you were to reframe this in your mind. It is not that you cannot, you have decided that you do not want to tell him that he needs to leave. You COULD tell him but you have decided that doing so would hurt him. You need to weigh how much him being around all of the time is bothering you against how much sending him away would bother you.

    Does he have any friends or other relatives where he could stay? Are there any sorts of homeless centers where he could go? Are there any resources around for people who are from abusive situations? Have you exhausted all possibilities or has he just settled on the easiest one and stopped exploring?

    Since he is leaving in a few months can you just live with it for now? Can you try to work out with him that he needs to go over a friends or take some long walks to give you the time and space that you need now?
     
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  8. Aspen

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    It might be worthwhile if your parents knew that this isn't just some usual family argument. If you don't feel like you can tell them and your parents aren't asking your boyfriend, would he be willing to tell them the situation? Even if it's just "My father is abusive to the point that we went to court" brief, I'd hope that they might be less inclined to jump to sending him back home if they knew it was an actively dangerous situation. He could then lead into "But I'm working on getting enough money to move out."
     
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  9. Snoww

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    It's true that I could tell him, but I feel like it would be worse if I send him away than if he stays here a little longer. I think he feels safest with me and my parents, because if he was to be at his grandparents' house, his dad could come and get him. He may have settled on what's easiest though, as I don't think he asked any of his friends to stay at their place. It's even harder nowadays to stay at a friend's place because of covid (where I live you still cannot be in a house with someone who's not a family member and the fine is pretty big for a student). I don't know if there are shelters around for him, I've heard there are some for abused women, but not for men.
     
  10. Snoww

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    It feels like neither my boyfriend or my parents want to talk to each other for some reason. I'm pretty sure I've told my boyfriend before to talk to them as well, but I can't remember what he said. I'll bring it up again, I feel like it would help my parents understand what's going on.
     
  11. QuietPeace

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    He is an adult (you say that he is 19), no one can take him against his will. If he does not want to go with his parents and his grandparents will allow him to live with them then that should be safe. If his dad is that abusive and comes for him just call the police.
     
  12. Snoww

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    Fair enough. Thanks for the advice btw.