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Boyfriend and I have different definitions of intimacy

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Snoww, May 13, 2021.

  1. Snoww

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    Hello again! I know I've just posted a thread a few days ago, but I thought I needed a different thread to talk about issues that have been happening with my boyfriend.

    So I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now (we're both 19). We started off as friends with benefits, and then started dating, and now we're here. For those who haven't read my other threat, my boyfriend and I usually hang out by going to my place for a few months, then spending a few months at his place. He got into a really serious argument with his abusive dad about 6 months ago and has been staying with me and my parents ever since, which has been creating tensions between him and I (because we're always together and he "can't" leave) and between my parents and I (dad has been blaming me for things he does, but that's another story, and both my parents think my boyfriend shouldn't be staying here for so long). So right now I'm in a situation where I'm spending every day with him, and he doesn't want to go back to his home or really stay at a friend's place because covid.

    Because we've been spending nearly every day together (we still have online school so we're not constantly together), I feel like it has been creating more tensions between us. Specifically when it comes to intimacy. I've noticed my boyfriend has a different definition of intimacy compared to me. He finds that having sex is the most intimacy he can have with a person. I find that deep conversations about life is what makes me feel the most connected with someone, and therefore intimate. For about a year and a half, I've been having more and more difficulty being intimate (by his definition) with him. I believe it mostly stems from him having difficulty pleasing me sexually, experiencing pain during sex (not every time but very often), and him pressuring me to have sex with him. When I say pressure, I mean he would say we haven't had sex in 3 days and we should have sex. Of course I would end up forcing myself, and I would usually cry during so we would have to stop. Then he would say I blue-balled him, and cry that we aren't intimate enough.

    While I've called him out on that and he has apologized, I feel like the pressure still lingers on. We used to have sex every 2 days before, now it's about twice per month, and I haven't orgasmed by him in over 2 months. The pressure mostly comes from him crying about how we're not intimate (even if we have sex). I've told him recently that I don't want to have sex with him anymore until I talk to a sex therapist about what's happening (I have an appointment next Monday), and he seemed understanding. Then today he started crying and saying he miss being intimate with me and he feels I don't want him. I know not having sex with him takes a toll on his self-esteem, but even if I tell him that I find him very attractive (which I do), he doesn't believe me because my actions don't match with my words (aka I would be having sex with him).

    While I truly love my boyfriend, I've proposed to him in the past that I couldn't satisfy his needs for intimacy and sex, and that we could break up, and he said he didn't want to. I want to figure out a solution to meeting his intimacy needs, but I know that I don't feel comfortable having sex with him, and it seems like the only way for him to be satisfied is if both of us orgasm, experience no pain, all while having intercourse, and I feel like that just hasn't been possible. I've also been really uninterested in having sex for a good while now. I used to read kinky fanfics all the time when we started dating, and I've completely moved on from that. I often find sex awkward, and I'm usually not in the mood, but I do still have a libido. That's why I'm seeing a sex therapist, I want to figure out if there's a solution to our sex life, or if we're just different and should accept our differences and move on. The only problem is that if we break up, it will be very awkward living with him for the next few months.

    If anyone is wondering, no I am not satisfied with the intimacy in our relationship (by my definition). We barely have talks about deep stuff because my boyfriend is more the kind of person who lives in the present, and doesn't spend a lot of time thinking about the mysteries of life. So I've also become a person who thinks less deeply and lives day by day, which makes me feel a little disconnected with who I really am. I usually re-connect with that side of myself when I'm alone, but lately I can't be alone because my boyfriend's always with me.

    Thanks for reading all of this!! I really appreciate any advice given :slight_smile:
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    Yes you should. He is abusive. From everything that you have said about him this guy is not a keeper.

    Then kick him out. You have mentioned his grandparents so there is a possibility there. You say that he has friends but does not want to go there. It is amazing how attractive anyone's couch is if you sleep in your car or on a park bench just once.
     
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  3. Snoww

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    I'm curious to know what makes you think he's abusive?
     
  4. QuietPeace

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  5. Snoww

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    Thanks for clarifying, that makes sense.
     
  6. Spaceseed

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    I just skimmed through your post and my first impression was the he’s not a keeper as well ..

    funny I talked to the only guy I’ve been with briefly yesterday ( which happens only every couple years ) , I always thought he was sweet and I was the primate /grunt idiot . 20 plus years later I finally realized that all this guy did was making feel like sh@t , mock me and diminished my self esteem, it was all wrapped in a nice package of « look at me I’m cute and armless «
     
  7. Snoww

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    Geez maybe I do need some time to see through all of this clearly. The reason I started dating him was because he stood up for me against my at the time guy friend who was acting like a nice guy toward me. Kinda sucks realizing he's poopy too. I told him to go see a therapist to deal with his feelings of rejection when I say no to having sex, and he's having his first session next week so at least that. Idk if I'll break up with him yet, but I appreciate the advice.
     
  8. Spaceseed

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    those are just feelings I had just glancing over take it with a grain of salt off course )
    A little time to reflect and see how things go is good but at least it’s good to raise some awareness for the time being , wishing al the best to you !
     
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  9. Snoww

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    Update: I talked about how it makes me uncomfortable to hear about my boyfriend's feelings when I can't do anything about them and that I'm involved in the situation creating his feelings, and he became super upset. Said I was gaslighting him because I had asked him to open up and then became angry at him when he did and it's true that I asked, and it's true that I got angry at him, but I definitely wasn't gaslighting him, I was taking back what I said, I changed my mind (I thought I was gonna be comfortable listening to him, but I ended up not being). He said that he didn't agree with the boundary I was setting because he believes he should be able to open up freely about all of his feelings in a relationship, and also because he has nobody else to open up to. He said there are some boundaries we shouldn't set, and that we should have talked about that. Like. WhAt. I never heard about boundaries I can't set. I felt so uncomfortable because there was no way he would listen to my pov, so I asked him to sleep on the couch, and he was EXTREMELY pouty and he was stomping the floor and sighing in frustration constantly. He said I was very immature for kicking him out of my bed and that I'm not dealing with the situation correctly. Fam. It was 1 am in the morning, I'm not gonna have a discussion with you (actually an argument) because you ain't even listening to me and I told him I was extremely tired.

    Anyways, HUGE red flag last night. I have no idea how to solve this because it's ridiculous. It's not because he doesn't have anyone to talk to that if I'm setting a boundary it's wrong. There are so many other ways of dealing with feelings than talking about them. I've told him in the past, but it seems like he's almost dependent on me for emotional support, and then expects me to have my arms open when he calls me immature, toxic, and a gaslighter.
     
  10. QuietPeace

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    Someone telling you that your boundary is too strict is wrong. Your boundaries are your boundaries and you should be allowed to set them.

    It is not gaslighting to tell someone "what happened here hurt me". Changing rules or coming up with new limits is not gaslighting.
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

    He is the one being immature in reacting that way. If someone is making you uncomfortable you have the right to tell them to stay away from you, whether for one night or forever. Him telling you that you are dealing with this incorrectly is actually him gaslighting you. He is trying to make you feel bad for rightly standing up for yourself.


    Just so you know, this is all typical behavior for abusers. They always want us to feel bad when we start to realize what is going on and try to stand up for ourselves.
     
    #10 QuietPeace, May 14, 2021
    Last edited: May 14, 2021
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  11. Snoww

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    Thank you for this. I have another update. I talked to him this morning, and it wasn't leading anywhere really. He did apologize and was really calm about everything. He still said he felt like I was gaslighting him, which I did not know how to reply. But we agreed that we have communications issues that we've been unable to solve for several months now. Then we ended up talking about how he feels living here away from his actual home. A lot of crying in my arms and stuff. It was a lot. I understand he's stressed out of his mind about moving out and having nobody to support him financially except himself. I suggested he goes to his grandparents place as a last resort if he can't move out, and he was crying real hard about how he could end up homeless (I doubt his parents would let him become homeless though). I never heard him cry so hard before. I told him he should move out soon and should get in contact with his grandparents because I still think we need time apart. I'll tell him again tomorrow so he really gets the message (he had to leave for school so we kinda ended on me being there to support him emotionally throughout his moving out and stuff, cuz he feels like he has nobody else). I think some time away from him will help me clear my head and realize if I want to continue this relationship or not. We're both gonna end up going to the couple/sex therapy so there's that. I know y'all have been saying he's really abusive, but I can't bring myself to forcefully kick him out (of course unless he is against moving out with his grandparents, in which case...). Hopefully he will be gone in a week or two. I will try my best to take care of myself. I really appreciate all the advice given it was super helpful and eye-opening.
     
  12. QuietPeace

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    Tell him that before he ever uses that term against anyone ever again that he needs to watch the movie and read at least a half dozen articles by feminists on what it really is. If he ever accuses you of it again then just walk out and refuse to talk to him. He is abusing you by accusing you of what he is doing which is very common behavior by abusers. (projecting)

    Welcome to being an adult. He has options, you have mentioned friends and grandparents so if he chooses to be homeless that is his choice. He is doing this to manipulate you. (it has happened to me numerous times in my life, I even stayed in a cult months longer than I should have that nearly killed me because the leader of the cult did this to me)

    It is common for those of us who are abused to "caretake" our abusers and not be able to separate from them.
     
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  13. Snoww

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    Holy shit I can't imagine being in a cult. You're strong.

    I remember actually experiencing gaslighting by one of my ex-boyfriends, where I would tell him something was bothering me, and he would say that it never happened. I remember feeling genuinely confused and doubting my memory. So I was really surprised when he said I was gaslighting him considering I didn't deny what happened. I do believe he projects and dumps a lot of things on me, like his stresses, emotions he can't deal with, etc. I'm glad he's going to therapy to deal with that.

    Yah and it's weird how I'm not even the one financially dependent on him, he is, yet I feel like my family and I have to provide him a place to stay. He mentioned feeling like I have all the power in the relationship, and that it was especially obvious when I kicked him out of my bedroom. I didn't know what to think about this because yes I can decide whether he stays here or not, but for example, if he believes I have all the power when I say no to having sex, that's real wack (because it sounds like it's a power I use against him, which I'm not).
     
  14. Spaceseed

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    Quiet peace I actually can relate on what you just wrote regarding people in my life in the past, always good to be reminded !

    Snoww , sex /reliationship apart , I feel like you have a warm sensitive beautiful soul , he seems pretty empty in this sector , he may be feeding off of it on an energy level, again you know your life better , but something to think about.

    I had that kind of relationship with certain members of my family , feeding off my energy , projecting their issues in me , not being able to separate from me when all I’m trying to do is live my life ...

    I retrospect , with my relationships , o would save myself from a few if I could do it again so I could appreciate the good people better and give them more ...I wasted too much on the ones that don’t deserve it
     
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  15. Snoww

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    Thank you for the wise words. It's true that once I left a bunch of toxic relationships/friendships in the past, I was able to focus on the good ones I have in my life. Lately this relationship has been draining me a lot, and I'm sure it's draining my family and my boyfriend too. What's scaring me is that I feel like I can't leave the relationship because I'll be made to feel guilty about it (just thinking about it makes me feel guilty). At the same time I never told my boyfriend that I was gonna leave him, so I'll see how things go, maybe he'll accept it.
     
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  16. QuietPeace

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    Everyone has the right to say no to sex, that does not mean that the person saying no has more power. Your body is yours and you are not obligated to share it with anyone. It is true that we are often pressured by society or groups to give up our autonomy to others (in my case more than one cult, family and abusive partners all did so). It is not right though if we allow others to have that power, it often leads to abuse.

    You should not feel guilty over taking care of yourself. If being in a certain relationship is taking a toll on you then you have a right to exit that relationship. One should only feel bad over deliberately harming someone. While ending a relationship with someone may lead to them feeling hurt (it normally does) feeling hurt is not actual harm.

    If he tries to make you feel guilty over it being difficult to find a place to live you should not take on that load. The main cause of him not having a place is that his parents are abusive not you. Another factor is him being abusive, if he treated you better then you would not be feeling this way and you might not even be considering asking him to leave.

    It is good to want to help others but it becomes a major problem when we allow others to take so much from us that we are harmed in the process.
     
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  17. Snoww

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    Another update: so I told him that we've been having a lot of problems and that I need some time alone. I told him he should contact his grandparents and stay with them for a few days as it will help our relationship having some time apart (maybe idk, just to clear my mind more). Oh boy. He really didn't take it well. Said things like I was taking his power of decision away (I don't think he realizes that since he's been staying here and doesn't own the house, he doesn't really have any power of decision about staying or not), that I was leaving him when he was most vulnerable, if this could wait until he finishes his finals (it can't, it would be really awkward for me if he stays here), and he said he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me anymore. I told him if he can't do his exams at his grandparents he can stay here to finish them and then go. But it felt like he wasn't open to that. He REALLY wants to stay here. I felt super bad seeing him cry so much. And it really felt like it was the end of the world for him. He kept saying he can't go on like this (I hope he's not hinting at a suicide but since he's always surrounded it should be okay). I feel like it would be so much better if he could see it in a more positive light. It's not the end of the world if he has to stay at his grandparents for a few days. I didn't even break up, but it felt like I did. Sigh. I think he's moving out this weekend. I feel like all of this wouldn't have happened if the relationship was just going well and I could have supported him fully during this harsh time for him. But I think he's seeing it as me fucking him over.
     
  18. QuietPeace

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    I am glad that you were able to stand up for yourself. Keep up the good work.
     
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