Hello Members, There are many things running in my head right now and I feel like pouring everything here. Is it wrong to feel jealous to see other people in a relationship when you are single? I'm currently 32 years old and have never been in a relationship before. Over 10 years has passed and I'm still not able to find a relationship. I'm starting to feel that I am fated to be alone throughout my life. I don't know why, but nowadays when I see photos or videos of couples (straight or gay), tears well up in my eyes. Some sort of sadness engulf my heart and it makes me want to cry. There was once whereby I went to the temple to pray. It so happened that a wedding was conducted there. I remember seeing the wedding and I could not take it and went to a secluded corner of the temple and sit down and started sobbing silently why I couldn't get married like them. I have seen many gay couples in social media. Most of them are 18 - 23 by age. It seems like this is the age period that you can get a boyfriend. I'm not sure if I missed the chance to be in a relationship because I'm 32 years already. People use this phrase often "You should be comfortable with being alone. Then relationship is not necessary. etc etc." But I dare say 50% of the couples in this world do not fulfill that "requirement". I just feel that phrase is logical but not practical. Because I doubt many of the people who are in relationship are really comfortable with being alone. I really wonder if this will lead me to depression in the future. Thank you for reading.
Feelings are what they are, they are not right or wrong nor are they good or bad. Only what actions you may take based on them might be right or wrong or even more properly better or worse for you or others. You should not base anything on what you see in social media (or any media at all for that matter). People often only post the good things and you do not get a real look at their lives. Also the formulas used to present things to you often give a slanted view of reality. It is true that when one is in school one meets more people and there are more opportunities, this does not mean however that once one is out of school it is impossible. I have been in and out of relationships for much of my life, I have spent much time alone. I am now 58 and in a new relationship so 32 is far from too late. It is much better to be comfortable out of a relationship. People can read desperation and it can turn them off. Being desperate also opens one up for abusive people to take advantage of us (I speak from experience). Also from experience it is far better to be alone than in a bad relationship. Another thing, just because people are in relationships does not mean that they are comfortable or happy, especially if they are only clinging to it in order to avoid being alone.
It's not wrong to feel jealous of other couples, but it's perhaps worth asking yourself why you feel that way. I'm guessing it's because it reminds you of something you feel is lacking in your own life, but this is the point at which we need to change our position and look at those couples from a different perspective. Is what we see in public the reality for those people? What we don't see is how life is for them behind closed doors... we don't see the stress, the arguments, the conflict that sometimes arises when you have to constantly consider the other person. We don't see the hobbies that have been scaled back or abandoned or the career paths that are sometimes stunted when you become part of a couple and can no longer do your own thing. Nor do we see the friendships that sometimes falter as two people commit so much emotional energy to each other that there is little room or time for anyone else. It may seem like I am painting a bleak picture of relationships here, but what I'm really seeking to do is stop you from idealizing what they have compared to your own life. It's not just about having a relationship, it's about having a life enhancing and fulfilling relationship. In reality you can sometimes find yourself more lonely in a relationship than you ever will being single. The question I would ask is Why are you looking for a relationship? The why is important. What are you seeking from a relationship that you don't have already? Are you looking for someone to fulfil a need to be loved? To bolster self-worth? To ease loneliness? Or is it because you are so happy with your life now that you want to share your happiness with someone else? Based on what you have written already it seems the former statement, rather than the latter applies to you and I have to say that it's completely the wrong reason to want to become involved in a relationship. There is a big difference between wanting a relationship and needing a relationship. 32 isn't too late. It's never too late. What is more important than age and timing though is our rationale for seeking a relationship. If you like who you are and your life is good and sorted, then you have a lot to bring to a relationship, but if you sense a gaping hole of loneliness that you want another person to fill that's just not a good reason. In order to have a successful relationship we need to do some personal work first, otherwise we are going to take all of our baggage with us. Sorry if this response seems quite challenging. I just want to be direct with you so you don't idealize other people's relationships or go searching for your own in order to fill something that seems missing.
It's understandable to feel envy seeing others in a relationship, especially during the pandemic where we are all more isolated. That's a little different from jealousy, which is feeling like you have a rivalry or competition. Being single is better than being in a bad relationship, and being in a good relationship can be even better. You are never too late to try one out; the trick is understanding what is good and bad for you. While you may be seeing younger couples, remember there is the same percentage of LGBT+ people at your age, too. It may take a little more work to find them because they remember when things were such a taboo. I suggest first trying to find some local gay friends without focusing on a relationship because they can understand your environment and maybe even know potential matches. Also, I don't know if there are any local professional counselors who understand LGBT+ issues, but they may also help you understand yourself and your relationship motivations.
It’s common to feel jealous of other people in a relationship when you’re single and don’t want to be, but it sounds like it’s hitting you particularly hard. I think what people fail to mention when they say “You should be comfortable with being alone” is that it shouldn’t mean “You shouldn’t want a relationship.” It should mean that you should find fulfillment in your life that doesn’t involve a romantic relationship. People who are only happy in romantic relationships can often fall into abusive ones or stay in relationships that are negative far longer than they should because they fear being alone. It’s likely that you’re seeing a lot of young gay couples on social media because younger people are more likely to share information about their relationships on social media. There’s no expiration date for when you can find a relationship.
