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Still living a lie

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by dkprins, Mar 8, 2021.

  1. dkprins

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    Hello,

    about three years ago I sat very deep. Depressed about being married to a wonderful wife, having three kids and a great life. But having a secret, i am gay and nobody knows. Since many years my wife and me don’t have sex anymore. She is suffering that. I feel no physical attraction to her, but do enjoy sharing our lives.

    all this leading to me not daring to do my coming out. Not back then, not now. And so I lived 3 more years in lie.

    i don’t know what would be wise to do. I’m still confused, and i do feel a need for intimacy with a nice guy. But on the other hand i’m scared of loosing my actual life where i live comfortably.

    i can only say that i feel lost ...
     
    #1 dkprins, Mar 8, 2021
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2021
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  2. I'm gay

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    Hi dkprins,

    We last chatted in 2018 in your earliest thread. I am glad to see that you're still with us, and I hope the dark place you were in at the time has receded. But you also don't seem any closer to coming out either.

    I understand and know the fear of losing your comfortable life. It's easy and safe. But let me ask you, what good is your comfortable life if you don't actually feel comfortable? You've been miserable and depressed for years, right? I would bet that you've been feeling this way ever since you finally accepted that you're gay. That's one of the pitfalls of coming out to yourself - you can no longer go back to a state of blissful denial.

    I'm not sure what your wife thinks is the reason you're no longer having sex with her. For me, my wife made the assumption that I no longer desired her because she was too old, too fat, too ugly, etc..... I didn't realize that she had internalized my lack of desire for her, and I had no idea the terrible toll on her self esteem it was taking. Why does your wife think you're not having sex?

    I don't know what your best path forward is, but please keep talking to us here.
     
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  3. Adz6

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    Hi Dkprins
    My story is very similar to yours. I can’t offer any advice, all I can offer is support
     
    #3 Adz6, Mar 8, 2021
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2021
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  4. quebec

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    dkprins.....I just had a quick read through your posts from 2018 and discovered that, like @I'm gay, I had also written to you back then. What I wrote back then seems to still be pertinent so I'm going to copy it here for you to read again. I really do think it could help you...

    dkprins.....
    I am older than you as my three sons are adults with their own families. I kept my "Big Gay Secret" for 42 years before I came out here on empty closets. In 2015, a year after coming out here, I started seeing a counselor/therapist weekly. The first person I told face-to-face was my therapist. Even though I knew that he could not tell anyone else without my permission it was still difficult, and he was gay himself. Then a few very close friends. Again, it was difficult but each time it was a little easier and my guilt and shame had really started to recede. In some of my first posts here I said that I would never tell my family, that I would take my secret to the grave. I felt that telling my wife/family would just destroy everything. Over time I gradually came to realize that keeping that secret gave it power over me. It controlled what I said, what I did, etc. On March 8, 2016 I came out to my wife. I was convinced that she would not want a divorce, but I was still nervous and worried. She has accepted me and we are keeping our 40-year marriage together. She has even made an occasional gay joke! I have only told my oldest son. I went through a health difficulty that could easily have turned out bad, and so wanted him to know that I am gay from his father if I didn't make it. He is the pastor of a conservative Christian church, but has accepted me in spite of that and we get along now just as well as we always have. My other two sons do not know. I am out to those who I feel need to know. I see no reason to broadcast to the world that I am gay. I'm not ashamed of it in any way anymore, but see no need to tell everyone whom I would like to have sex with. Although my wife and I have not had sex for years, I have made the decision to honor my marriage vows and not seek out any male "friends"...that works for me, but I don't suggest that anyone else needs to take my path.
    Depriving your children of their father is not the choice to make. No matter how your wife and her family react to you coming out...your children need and deserve a father. Being gay has nothing whatsoever to do with being a good father. I actually think that in many cases a gay man who has accepted himself would be a far better parent than many of the "Alpha Male" men who think they have to make their children become "tough" by treating them like dirt and never showing them love. They need you. Do not deprive them by "stepping away", and don't call it that to make it seem acceptable...it's murder. You would be murdering your children's father.
    Coming out can be difficult. Anyone saying it is easy has not had to wrestle with the inner turmoil and self-doubt that can feel like a torture chamber of the mind. But you can do it and you will be a better person and a better father for having done it. I would suggest that finding a LGBTQ qualified therapist or even a gay therapist (or both) is a very good step to take. There are times when a person just does not have the ability to handle these kinds of issues by themselves. When we are ill we go to the doctor...why not find a professional who could help you work through this also. I am not suggesting that you are sick...being gay is not a sickness and we don't need to be "cured". It's just that sometimes we need someone who can look at our problems from outside of our lives and help us find a to get to the other side.
    Keep posting here on empty closets...keep us updated. We want to help in any way that we can. There are many of us here who have gone through things very much like what you are going through...let us help.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:


    I asked back there in 2018 for you to let us help...and I'll ask it again. Please let us help! My biggest suggestion right now is that you find a therapist to work with. I mentioned in my post (above) that I was seeing a therapist...I still am talking to him (same one) every week and he has been a huge help. There have been many times when he has pointed out something that I just didn't see, something that I didn't notice that I was doing. You can't fix something that you don't know is there! :old_smile: With his help I have been able to make some real progress in my life and in my relationship with my wife. Please give this serious consideration! Remember, you are a part of our LGBTQ+ Family and we do care! Please keep us updated!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  5. PatrickUK

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    This is a significant question from @I'm gay and one you should really consider. Has it occurred to you that your wife may be internalising your lack of desire for her and wondering if you are gay? It's very unusual for men to simply go off sex altogether unless there is a medical problem or emotional barrier and women do realise that. Your wife has no doubt heard her friends talking about their sex lives (because women do have these conversations) and will be wondering why your relationship is so very different to theirs. Why is her husband totally disinterested when the husbands and boyfriends of her friends and colleagues are seemingly very keen to have sex? Trust me, this will be going round in her mind.

    Talking to a therapist really does seem like an important step in order to begin moving forward. Right now you are stuck and everyone is suffering. Only you can break the cycle.
     
  6. old tacoma

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    @dkprins
    I understand how you feel. I really do. But your life is not a lie. I wish I could put my arm across your shoulders, look in your eyes, and tell you this in person.
     
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  7. lavalamp

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    I'm in the same position as you, and in fact wanting to hold onto the life we earned is a common theme for midlife coming out stories. I know from experience the mental prison of fear, second guessing, longing and inertia involved. I want off this train. I want to stop seeking advice about it. I jist want the courage to tell the truth and take the hit - even if it means losing my marriage and the life I built. I pray I can find the courage and that you can too.
     
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  8. eccentric2

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    i can relate much.... No courage, full of fear... Fear of losing anything if i come out. Took me 40years to admit that i am different, that i am not perfect but still in denial. Living a lie to protect my 2 kids.
     
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