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Heterosexual OCD

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Omegduh, Jan 16, 2021.

  1. Omegduh

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    So, I’ve been dealing with a bit of sexuality OCD lately where instead of it being worrying that I am gay, it is the fear that I am straight. I have seen some others online who deal with the similar fears where they are gay/lesbian/bisexual and their OCD makes them believe they are straight and in denial about it. It’ll tell me things such as:

    --”You didn’t react to that hot girl, you’re just faking this”

    --”You didn’t like girls for a long time, you must be straight” (I just repressed it)

    --Gives me intrusive thoughts about men--both sexually and romantically; instead of a woman, my brain will try to insert a man instead and it makes me feel disgusted

    --”You mainly focused on men, you must be straight”

    This goes so on and so forth and basically causes a daily mental exhaustion because it goes in this cycle and overthinks every little thing about how I feel. I know I am barely into men (if really at all), but causes all this anxiety that I am faking it. There has been this life-long attraction to women and I was reading about HOCD and could relate to it, but with men and women being swapped like getting unwanted, intrusive thoughts about men, ‘testing’ to see if I am attracted to men. It also plays into my internalized homophobia as well where I feel bad about checking out women and feels like I need to suppress it because of things that were said previously to me. It has gotten better with my parents, but still I have a ton of fears. I also fear I cannot fall in love with a woman/ won’t be able to, will be disgusted about being with a woman sexually (I’m not), or won’t be able to catch feelings for a woman again (Note: I can). I know with OCD, it preys upon insecurity and fears which mine include:

    --being a confused, straight girl in denial

    --gonna end up straight in the end after doing a bunch of questioning

    --figuring out sexuality later than most of my peers & have been fighting it since I was younger

    --jealous of other lesbians and bisexual women because they’ve accepted their attraction to women while I’m still struggling with it (because of homophobic comments)

    I do know the OCD voice is basically an ‘echo’ of the comments I’ve been told by family, friends, and so on. I know no one wants me to be bisexual, but I can’t help it. I’ve been attracted to women since forever (probably before boys tbh) but didn’t recognize crushes till about my teen years when I began to understand those feelings and what not, but buried it again to feel like an ‘adult’ and to fit in with my friends. Then again, what straight girl would want to have sex with another woman and make out with her? I’ve talked to straight people about their sexuality and they have never wanted to have sex, make out, or have any sort of relationship with someone of the same sex like I have. I’ve enjoyed being with women both romantically and sexually from the limited experiences that I’ve had but OCD makes it harder to navigate. I feel so numb now since I’ve pushed the attraction down for so long and I keep punishing myself for feeling that way about women. I know it’s also a fear of uncertainty. I’m uncertain about the future, but I want to end up with another woman down the road. I’ve never been more happier than in the arms of another woman.

    I did talk to my parents about a lot of this as well and my dad said not to try and create false memories of anything. I’m not trying to, but I worry that I am. I just first understood that maybe I may of had not-so-straight feelings for some of my female friends growing up. My mom said to me that she was ‘surprised, but not surprised’ that I was bisexual. I assume that she means that it was a bit of an initial shock about me coming out, but also probably assumed that I wasn’t 100% straight. A lot of people have told me that, both gay and straight alike.
     
  2. QuietPeace

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  3. Omegduh

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    Hi
    QuietPeace, some of that really helped me. One thing that really stood out to me that Chip said was that as soon as you accept your same-sex attraction and it grows stronger, your opposite sex attraction may start to fade away which was true for me. Prior to all of this OCD cycling going on, I was pretty confident in my attraction to women and was really excited about being with one. I was told some comments by my parents and a friend of mine that really hurt and made me start to spiral into this thought cycle of “what if I’m straight and faking this all??”
     
  4. QuietPeace

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    I do not know how to help you with this. I cannot imagine faking being LGBT as it has been so difficult to find acceptance from others even when I was 100% positive of who I am. If you are having obsessions why not at least try seeking out help for that?
     
  5. Omegduh

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    I'm currently seeing a therapist who has been seeing me for about 4 years and I restarted my medication. I know it's a common fear among LGBT folk that they are 'faking' who they are because of heteronormativity and what not. It's all still new to me because I finally accepted my own attraction to women. I guess there is that fear of being wrong & uncertainty, along with worrying my parents may be right with me 'mistaking' my attraction to women.
     
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  6. BiGemini87

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    I can definitely relate to some of what you're going through. I don't have the thoughts as often or fixate on them as long as I did early on (both before and then for months after coming out), but they do intrude now and again.

    I know it's hard, but remind yourself that you have nothing to prove to anyone: not to other LGBTQ+ people, not to straight people--no one. You don't have to prove you're "gay enough"; that you feel same-sex attraction at all, be it more or less (in your case, it seems more) is enough. And nor does it negate the way you feel about the opposite sex, even if that's considerably less. Or even if it turns out that attraction fades away completely the more you come to accept your same-sex feelings.

    Because at the end of the day, you're right: Straight people might be open to experimenting with the same sex, but they don't desire it the way someone who isn't straight does. For them, it's a passing fancy, a curiosity; for us, it's always going to be more, because we're hardwired that way.

    I hope your therapist is able to help you work through this, and that time will make it easier for you to fully embrace who you are without the disparaging comments of others echoing in the back of your mind. I know those voices can be stubborn, sticking around long after the words and deeds have been said and done. You'll get there, though. I'm sure of it. :slight_smile:
     
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  7. Chip

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    It sounds like something in therapy (perhaps entirely unrelated to issues around sexuality) may be triggering OCD. Have you had issues with OCD before? It is not uncommon for it to emerge rather suddenly out of nowhere. If it continues to bother you, it may be worth exploring with your therapist whether you should be referred for an evaluation for medication. OCD is fairly easy to get under control with medication. There's also a marvelous book called "Brain Lock" by Jeffrey Schwartz that offers some practical strategies to cognitively change your thinking so the OCD isn't so problematic, but this only works if the OCD isn't severe. I hope that helps.
     
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  8. Omegduh

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    Hi Chip,
    I’ve been professionally diagnosed with OCD and I believe it to be latching into my sexuality this time as a theme because I’m insecure about it. I’m also new to the realization that I like girls, so there’s quite a bit of doubt and the OCD amplifies it to the point where I worry that I am indeed just straight and actually not attracted to women.