Hi hello. Thank you so much for existing. I wanted to start with that because gosh golly am I ever lost right now. Most of my life I've always identified with being bisexual, when I was a teenage that was really the only label that fit. As time progressed and we started understanding more about sexuality I started to identify as being pansexual. I met a very kind man who I have been seeing for the last four years. We recently got married. He is amazing, honest to god one of my best friends. The problem is that I'm starting to question my sexuality. I love him so much, but I'm worried that I'm no longer sexually attracted to him? I find that throughout my life I've had this same issue with every man that I've dated. Only in my prior relationships they had turned out to be jerks - so I always accounted it to that. But that's not the case with my husband. He's truly one of the kindest people I know. I don't have a lot of experience with women. Relationships were always much shorter because I think I had a lot of residual guilt with them. I'm feeling very confused right now because I'm starting to feel as though I might just be attracted to women and was trying to maintain some semblance of heteronormativity due to my rural Catholic upbringing. Has anyone been through this? Because I feel like I am losing my mind.
All relationships go through ebb and flow. It is quite normal for the sexual feelings to be intense at the beginning and to lessen over time. Many people jump from person to person only looking for that initial intensity and do not work on building a deep relationship, even people who are certain of their orientation. This is not to say that a relationship with a woman would not be better for you but only that it might not be better. You say that you identified as bi or pan already before meeting your husband, were you out to him? If he knows would he be open to you experimenting?
Hey welcome to EC. Don't worry many of us were lost when we came here . Try not to be too hard on yourself whilst you are figuring these things out it's not easy. How long have you been feeling like this? Is there anything in particular that happened when you started feeling like this?
Thank you both so much for replying. I guess I'm worried because I've been fairly touch adverse for awhile now. It's been a year or so since I've felt like I wanted to have sex. Often I'll have it just because I feel like I should be having sex. And then in the last couple months of the pandemic I've just felt a lot more touch aversion than usual. For awhile I considered that I might be asexual, but it's not as though I don't have a sex drive it's just that I feel like I don't want to have sex. If that makes any sense whatsoever? I am out to my husband as pansexual. I'm just worried that he's going to feel like he's done something wrong? Or that it's somehow a reflection on him? Which it absolutely isn't. I've felt as though there's been something shifting for a little while but couldn't really put my finger on it. I had the intrusive thought a couple days ago and haven't been able to shake it. I've been trying to let it sit for awhile to figure out if it's just an intrusive thought coupled with anxiety - or if it's something that's genuinely concerning to me? I'm very frustrated and confused.
I guess the question is, are the touch and sex aversion new, or have you experienced this even with women? To be honest, I'm kind of the same; I enjoy sex, but as I've gotten older, I'm more likely to take care of business on my own than seek my husband out for it. It wasn't always like that but it has been for a good, long while, and I can think of a number of factors that have contributed to it over the years. In your case, I think the ebb and flow that occurs in a relationship might be one of them, but it could also be some heavily repressed feelings towards other women compounding it as well. I think the thing to look for here is consistency, or lack of it. Are you averse to being touched by others as well? Does the idea of being with a woman sexually create the same feeling, or the opposite? At the end of the day, no one can really tell you whether you're pan, lesbian or what-have-you. It's something that you'll have to give yourself time on, so try to be patient with yourself. In the meantime, I encourage you to be honest with your husband regarding your feelings of late. Be clear that this isn't something to do with him, but that you're doing what you can to work through whatever it is in you that's triggering this shift. It might not be easy, but I'm sure you'll arrive at your answer soon enough.
I think you have to consider that there is a lot going on right now in the world and around you. Even if it is partly indirect often when our mind is preoccupied by other things it doesn't want or feel like having sex. I think that's more common than you think. Perhaps it start with the sex which got you to over analysing a lot of aspects and now in turn that has led to the more exaggerated touch aversion.
