Shaking that Fear of “Faking It” & Changing

Sorry if I post here too much! I found this place to be helpful!
So over the course of the pandemic, I have changed quite a bit once again. I know this is part of the ‘growing up’ process and I will not be the same as I was at 15, at 20, and when I’ll be 25 within another 5 years. During the beginning of 2020, I fell really hard for a girl (eventually my first gf) and my god did I want her so bad. I remember trying to impress her and wanting to spend one-on-one time with her. One of the most fond memories I have with her was that we were staying up late one night and having such a good time and in that moment I had the thought of wanting to kiss her. I never actually did though since we were long distance, but I know those feelings were real. When we began dating, it felt like a dream and I wanted to do things with her I never wanted to do with my ex-boyfriends. In a way, I consider her my one of my first true loves. If not, my true first. During this same time as well, I began to question my sexuality once again and wondering if I was a lesbian or bisexual. Realizing now that those feelings for men were also genuine, so I’m most likely bisexual. I just think I prefer women even if I haven’t had much experience with them being in a long-term relationship, but I know my attraction is true.
Sometimes I sit and wonder looking back if how I feel about women is just a “phase” as often described by my mother. There was always this dormant attraction looking back because I’d find other women hot, wanted to have sex with a woman, preferred romancing women in video games, and even had crushes on girls with one I really wanted to date. Even before then (all of this took place in high school), I remember really wanting to impress and admired certain girls in elementary and middle school. In the 6th grade (Year 7), I tried to pair off two of my best friends together so I could have one of my best friends all to myself. I was a very....interesting child. I just can’t shake this feeling that I am faking it. I know this is common amongst bisexual women though, along with this fear that we’re straight and just confused. Is this really true? I think not.
During this same time this year, I began to dress more masculine and in men’s clothes and honestly, I haven’t felt more comfortable in the clothes I wear. It no longer feels like a ‘presentation’ and that I have to look attractive for other people (mainly men in this case). My attraction to men has also diminished during this time while my attraction to women has risen. It’s pretty much always on my mind. I’m always worried that because I think about it consciously that my attraction to women is fake, but I know when I am truly attracted to a woman, my monkey brain goes bananas. Women’s bodies also turn me on a lot and the thought of being intimate with another woman has always been appealing for me. I honestly always wanted to since I was a teen but never thought I could actually do it.
This all just feels surreal to me because I focused my attention on men for so long but my feelings for women showed up in different ways and spontaneously. It actually just took me falling for a girl to fully realize it. I wonder if that’s a common bisexual experience.

There’s always these other worries though that I am choosing women over men for ‘political reasons’ (I’m not) like in the case of ‘political lesbianism’ which I find to be deplorable and invalidates the fundamental notion of sexuality being biological. It’s not a choice for that I did not choose to date women for any other reason than being attracted to them. Another worry I have is that with my current interest in gay, lesbian, and bisexual history that this will just be a passing notion and I somehow convinced myself I am bisexual because I can connect and relate to the history. I know that interests can change over time and what not as mine have, but I know my sexuality cannot change. Someone can’t really convince themselves that they are a homosexual or a bisexual nor can they convince themselves they had crushes on those of the same sex. I do have my worries that I convinced myself of that. This is all still new to me and I am still figuring out my sexuality and who I am.
And in all honestly, I don’t want this to be a phase. I like myself more now than ever, despite dealing with internalized homophobia. I honestly don’t want to end up with a man in the future. I want a wife instead. Funny to think how I thought I’d end up with a man just a year or so ago. (There’s also the whole thing of me burying my feelings for women in order to fit in and feel normal but that’s another story). A wife sounds nicer and honestly it would make more sense for me to end up with a woman long term. A husband nor boyfriend long term felt completely right to me. Even when I dated boys, it felt like I was crossing off a checklist of accomplishments rather than doing it because I genuinely wanted to. More like a ‘milestone’ than anything. Everything with women feels organic and right.

 

Thanks so much BiGemini! You've provided me some really helpful things to think about regarding my sexuality and it's helped a ton. I think seeing my past through me being bisexual actually makes the most sense. For the longest time I preferred/dated men but that was due to my own internalized homophobia and what not. Only time will tell where I go, but for now hopefully it brings me into the arms of another woman.