I don't know what's wrong with me. Why I can't be "normal". I am a cis girl and I accept that but then there are times where I want to cry because I want to be a boy so badly. I want the body, the hair, the everything. Why do I feel this way? And how come the feelings can come and go? Like one minute i'm fine latty da but then I want a d*** like what the f***? What's going on because I have had these feelings for a very long time. I used to always right it off as oh I just want equality between men and women, like when I forcibly had my pits shaved at age 12 because I looked like a boy. Like how I had to pluck my eyebrows and I wasn't asked to help lift the heavy stuff because my younger brothers are boys. And how everyone was in love with my pretty long hair my pretty long hair that everyne loved and made me think I wouldn't be pretty without it. Well finally I convinced them to let me cut it to bellow my chin but affter it was back to bellow my shoulders (It's usually down past my butt) I was still so sick of it I took kindergarden sicissors to the bathroom and started chopping away. And I mean I know I have body issues goa darn it. You don't stop eating and make yourself puke if you don't (that phase of my life is no longer happening, it was 3 years ago. Also I don't suggest it to anyone.). And like sure my boobs are on my nerves so f***ing bad rn because they shrank because I recently lost a lot of weight and that makes me p***ed off in general but then when they h*** do I want a d*** (I'm sorry about the currsing. I normally don't ever) Like I want to go full bottom surgery and everything but I won't because I can't and I want to have my own kids one day. And I'll never be accepted and I end up on a website like this because I don't have someone I can talk to. And I know my family won't understand. But why won't these feelings go away? Can someone please stop my heart from feeling so broken? I mean I'm not actually trasnphobic (I'd tottaly date/marry someone like that) but I think I have internallized transphobia. I mean last time I had any internallised homophobia it was about pan people and now look who's fing pan. I don't know what to do.
No one should tell you what to do with your life, at best people can give advice from their own experience and then from that you make your own decisions about what will work best for you. You do have time to work this out, many people do not even start to wrestle with their identity for many decades past where you are. You can transition but not have bottom surgery, at least in part. An option would be that if you HAVE to have genetic children you could do so first and then get bottom surgery if you feel the need. It is true that many in the world do not accept people who transition but it is also true that there are people who do accept. You can build yourself a circle of accepting people and then move on with your life. I found that building a circle of caring friends was better than bashing my head against the useless struggle to have my family accept me. It is also possible that they will accept, have they discussed such things in the past and made it clear they are transphobic? Some peoples families surprise them. The feelings do not go away because we are who we are and living as our true self is who we need to be. I even let myself be tortured (conversion "therapy"), it does not make it go away. As far as making your heart not feel broken, you are not bad or wrong for being who you are. Seeing a therapist who has experience in gender issues would be helpful, it is necessary anyway to start transition. They can also help you come out to your family.
They have said things and my mom has made it abudundantly clear that well I don't think It'd end well. I've always been the good girl with the top grades, nice boyfriends or girlfriends, never cuss, long hair, obedient. Of course now they get to look at my short short hair everyday and hate it. I'm no longer in school so I can't ever prove I'm doing good with a simple A. Heck my fther doesn't believe that I'm gay (litterly had my girlfriends spend the night) and my granny doesn't understand being pan and my mom well she's seeing a boy or a girl period and in her eyes I'm a girl. SDhe was so p***ed when she fould out my coworkers and boss called me cy at work because it's dissrepectful to her and she worked very hard to find my name and she didn't even have one picked for if I was boy because she wanted a girl with pretty long hair and was smart and kind. I'll never be able to come out. Heck my mom has beat arround that bush rather aggressivley and she'd be mad if I did. I have no where to go. No friends. My job sucks apart from my boss. I wasn't even taught how to drive. I wish I could have therapy. I want this all to just go away because it will for a bit at a time but then it comes back and I hate it. The confussion and yerning. I hate that I'm spilling my soul right now but it's so hard to keep this all inside.
I’m so sorry your parents treat you that way. It’s not right and you deserve better. I see you’re 18 and I don’t know your full situation, but could you work towards gaining more independence from your parents? Save up money, learn how to drive, ect? Any tiny thing that you can look at and say you’ve made progress toward a goal, no matter how small the step might be? When I’m lost in despair, that has brought me comfort in the past. It’s not a magic fix that will make everything sunshine and rainbows, but when you’re feeling powerless/hopeless taking control of what things you can (however small) can help a bit. I wish I had more advice or comfort to give. All I can say is you won’t be under your parents’ thumb forever. It sucks that you are right now, but there is a future where you won’t be. Hang in there <3
I read a few of your posts to gain a sense of what you are going through. While I did not have the exact same experience as you, I believe I understand much of your experience and share some of them. I am going to address this post and another post you created more recently. So here goes: What I think is going on is that you are expected to be a certain woman your family and greater society wants you to be. This is evident by your grandmother getting offended over you not going by your given name and you not wanting hair that is super long. I don't think that wanting short hair means you are a trans person. Plenty of women have short hair and prefer it. Body hair is great and women also have it. Hair grows pretty well everywhere on our body, some of us have fine/light hair while others have coarse/dark hair. I think body hair on women is attractive, we are taught our hair is not acceptable and we must remove it. You do not have to. You were definitely living in a world where in order to do certain things (e.g. heavy lifting, have body hair) that you must be male. I learned in order for Dad to buy you a tool belt you have to be a boy. I never got my tool belt. Perhaps one day I will just buy one for myself if I so wish. If today you have a desire to have male genitalia but tomorrow you don't. I wouldn't recommend doing any permanent procedures. Definitely explore reasons why. I think for some women, in particular lesbians/bisexual women- sex can be pretty one-sided at times, meaning one gives and one receives sex. During intercoarse (male and female) both have the capacity to give and receive pleasure at the same time. Having a male body in a fantasy allows you to receive and give pleasure in a unified way. Some butch women I spoke to have challenges with vulnerability during sex so receiving it feels psychologically uncomfortable. I think there is some help a person can get if this is true for them. Perhaps the feeling cannot be cured by a surgery. You may also want to consider what any surgical procedure entails, especially bottom surgery. I will just say that the end product will not match the fantasy or desire you have in your mind. A bottom surgery is not the same as what I will call natural male genitalia for lack of a better term. As far as the comment on your breasts goes, it's great you like them. Our bodies are going to shift and change with weight and age. We have different shapes and sizes- one may be be bigger than the other, or up higher. Having children will cause breast changes as well. These changes are totally okay and completely natural. Surround yourself with strong women who appreciate their bodies, especially those with 'undesirable ' types by society. We often don't like something because we were taught to not like it, or are discouraged from being natural women. You can definitely free yourself from your past and grow into an amazing, confidant woman..who also has hair!
