I don't know what my sexuality is anymore...

Hey everyone, long time lurker (2-3 years), first time poster. I've been wanting to post something for a long time, but I was always a bit scared to be honest. So here we go, this might be a long one so I apologize in advanced.

I don't know what my sexuality is anymore, nor have I known for the past couple years. My past makes it more confusing, but more importantly, years of porn abuse has made it incredibly unclear. While never officially diagnosed, I do have major signs of OCD which makes this all so much harder to understand. Another major issue is extreme anxiety. I've always had terrible anxiety to the point of never being able to ask someone out or even go through with sex because of performance anxiety throughout the years.

I guess I'll just start from the beginning and explain how I ended up here confused. To put in perspective, I always loved women. I remember always having crushes on different girls I met in school or even at work. My last crush was at work only about a year and a half ago, which before that was only a year before that. Lost my virginity to a girl when I was 17. Couldn't cum, lost my erection half way through, and that was it. I played it off as the anxiety causing it. Around this time was when porn had gone down a wrong path for me. I found trans porn and gay furry porn. While not a furry, I found gfur to be one of the most exhilarating porn I had ever found. It was mainly just the real feminine/girly kind that I loved because it was similar to trans which I also loved.

Fast forward a couple years (19 years old) and I end up hooking up with a girl in college. I was very drunk and it was very late. Again, tried putting the condom on and I just went soft, couldn't stay hard. Blamed it on the alcohol and lack of energy.

Now lets fast forward a couple more years to being 21. Trans porn at this point is obviously the best kind of porn to me. I'd go back and forth between straight and trans, but it was 60/40% trans/straight porn usage. At this point I knew I had to try it. I needed to know if I was really attracted to trans or if it was just porn. So I started talking to a trans women and we ended up planning a hook up. Picked her up and because we didn't have anywhere to go, we just used my car. I remember being rock hard at the thought of a trans women. I performed oral and remember just absolutely loving it. Sex happened, but of course..... went soft half way through. This time, I blamed it on being in my car and lets just say that halfway through it got a little... uh, smelly. So I got turned off pretty quickly. I pulled out and she finished in my mouth, loved it. I went home, for that night and the rest of the week I felt gross. Maybe some guilt, but mainly gross. After this was when things took a dark turn.

I was more confused than I had ever been. My past experiences with women have been garbage, the only pleasure I've had with another person was sucking a dick, and my porn usage was stupidly high. At this point, I stopped all attempts of dating, I was too broken to date. Know the saying "You must love yourself before you can love someone else"? Yeah, that.

I want to add, all throughout this time of being addicted to masturbation and porn, I was always trying to get the best orgasm as possible. This was what led me to using such kinds of porn. I wanted to bump up the sensation as much as possible. I remember creating my own pocket pussies as a kid, then actually buying one when I was older, then I discovered prostate play around 17/18 and I was hooked. I would do that in waves, sometimes several times a month, sometimes take a 3 month break from it. Basically whenever I felt like it.

Couples years later, I move out on my own. I discover weed + porn + masturbation = the best thing ever. It's all I did. I got high and jerked off in my apartment everyday, sometimes even twice. I used damn near every kind of porn. Eventually I started using gay porn, but it was rare at the start. I remember the first time I used it, I had to actually push myself through it because I was grossed out by it, but it was a new kind of porn so I did it anyways. Before I knew it, I was liking gay and sissy porn but only a very niche kind. Only gay porn that was either very feminine (like long hair or crossdress), or I didn't see face. This moment two years ago is what led me to losing my mind today. During this time, I really leaned into the prostate play. I bought some toys and went to town. I was seeking the magical super "O". I got incredibly close multiple times.

I've since moved out of that place and have been working on myself a lot in 2020. I started therapy and I've been trying to come to terms with the idea that I could be bi or gay. I feel like I'm making progress, but even a year later of trying to accept it, it still doesn't feel right. Like my stomach starts to churn like my body is telling my that being with another guy is just not me. But then on the other hand, I love gay porn and I fantasize about dick very often. The problem is, I can't tell if my fantasies are just porn induced or are real.

Earlier this year I did a challenge for myself to be porn free. I kind of half assed it as I still peaked a couple times during this test. I lasted 68 days of no porn and only masturbating to fantasy. In this time though, I was still confused. I still had fantasies of both men and women. But... considering that I've been practically conditioning my brain with so much weird porn throughout the years, I figured it could be that 68 days just wasn't enough. Plus the fact that I peaked at porn multiple times throughout that time doesn't help. During this time though, my fantasies of women definitely went up.

I've tried dating apps and talking to guys, but I just can never follow through with it due to anxiety. It's also the same for women though. I just feel like a crazy person, like my sexuality changes daily. Some days I wake up and think, damn I guess I really am gay/bi and I could really use some dick right now. While other days I wake up and think, "Wow no way could I be actually romantically attracted to guys, must just be porn induced. Need to lay off porn for a while."

So now because of my masturbation addiction of trying to get the best orgasm possible throughout the last 12 years, it has led me down paths that I never imagined. Never did I ever question my sexuality until porn. Never did I until I learned about prostate play, never did I until my fantasies started being about dicks. Now though.... I'm just hollow. I don't have much left. I've lost quite a bit of my attraction to women, still there though, just not strong like towards dicks. I want to just accept being gay, but that doesn't feel right. I want to just be with a women, but my past experiences broke me, I have zero self esteem, and the attraction is questionable today. This shit is driving me crazy and it's starting to scare me. My depression has been terrible and I just don't have much will to live because of this.

Sorry this is such a long post, it's a lot that has been building up throughout the years. I'm sure I'm actually missing a lot of details, which I will add as I go. I'm an open book and will happily add more details if needed. Any advice would be great, thank you.

 

I appreciate the replies everyone. There's some details I should add. When it comes to fantasy, I can't fantasize about a specific guy or even fantasize about anything else other than genitals or just straight sex. Never about a man's body or face. When it comes to women, I can only fantasize about someone specific. I used to be able to fantasize about more women, but like porn, I've just become so desensitized to it. I also only notice women out in the real world. For example, I recently took a beach vacation. I actually tried my best to look at guys, but I always just noticed the women. Now if I looked at a guy, I'm sure I could get turned on somehow, but it's more so forced rather than with women.

I feel like I'm just an open minded heteroflexable, but because of my lack of confidence and self esteem, I've just given up on women. Like I've lost my true attraction to women due to anxiety, past events, and overall being stuck in my own head. I feel like I'm only chasing being gay because I have more intense orgasms to gay porn or very taboo ideas. Almost as if it was the easy way out rather than putting in the effort for a women. I also feel like my past masturbation addiction as led me to believe I'm gay when deep down I'm really not. I guess the only way to know is to try something with a guy, but I'm nervous this might just screw up my OCD and make things even more confusing afterwards.