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I don’t even know.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by MaybeBoy, Dec 7, 2020.

  1. MaybeBoy

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    Well I’m all over the place right now. I wanted to talk to my therapist about my gender situation today but I couldn’t bring myself to do it so here I am instead feeling like a mess. I’m getting my period soon too (sorry if that’s tmi) so thats throwing me for a loop emotionally even more.

    There’s too much for my mind to handle. I feel like I’m a guy, but then a run from the feeling. If I’m a guy then I’m not gay, something I worked so hard to accept and eventually find comfort in. If I’m a guy I can’t help but feel like my attraction to women is wrong (even though that’s false) because men have made me and women I know feel uncomfortable so many times. It’s exhausting because I used to feel this way when i was learning to be comfortable with my attraction to women when I thought I was a cis woman. I feel like I’m right back where I started but somehow even more of a mess than I was back then. I feel really lost and confused and alone and just kinda angry. And I kinda hate myself and life in general right now. Idk why I’m even posting this really, everything just sucks and I feel like I might explode if I don’t express this somewhere.

    I want to just say I’m nonbinary, but I can’t help but wonder if I’m lying to myself because of the things mentioned above. Idk I’m just so tired.
     
  2. Hawk

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    Take your time. If you want to experiment with other labels such as Non-Binary and how that feels for you, you can always change the label you identify with. For most people, they don't accept themselves right away, and it can take many years to finally come to terms with who we are. When I started questioning myself, I went through various Non-Binary labels, and it took me many years to come to terms with who I am. It may also help to think about your childhood. What were you like as a child? And I don't mean the toys you played with. Did you have thoughts of being the opposite gender? Were you envious of the opposite sex? Did you want to go to school as a boy?

    Again, take your time with things. I know the feeling of being anxious and all over the place. You can also keep a journal of how you're feeling every day, or if there were signs in your childhood. You can use that as confirmation when the doubts come back. There are a few videos that may be helpful for you to watch as well, and you can also find them in the Gender Resources thread at the top of the forum. One video you may want to watch is: Am I Transgender?
     
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  3. QuietPeace

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    It is ok, many people who transition take the first step by coming out as gay. I understand the sense of loss, would it help to simply reframe that as being attracted to women and finding comfort in being your true self?

    Not all men are toxic, my current boyfriend is not and that is pretty much why I am attracted to him. If you are male and decide to live as a man you could be an example of how men do not have to be toxic.

    Each step in this process can be difficult, as Hawk mention take your time and experiment.
     
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  4. MaybeBoy

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    Phew, rational brain is starting to regain control. These negative thoughts and feelings haven’t gone away, but they aren’t as loud, even though more have been added to the pile.

    I’ve taken a step back these past few days and tried to approach things from a more positive place. For example, I’m often referred to as my dog’s mom which has always felt wrong. I tried thinking of myself as dad instead, and while it didn’t cause any big lightbulb moment, it hasn’t felt wrong either. As well as thinking of myself as a son rather than a daughter (although the word daughter doesn’t always make me feel gross?) and that felt about the same. I even had a moment when I was driving to work where I felt confident about being a man out of nowhere. Like I sat up straighter and just felt good for a little bit? It was a little weird? Is it possible to feel confident and weird at the same time? Lol

    In regards to my sexuality, I’ve tried to do as suggested here and just focus on being attracted to women without labeling it. I’ve thought of myself as a queer woman for almost 8 (I think?) years and it’s hard to let go of the attachment I’ve formed to that, but I tried thinking of myself as a boyfriend the other day and I don’t completely hate it? It doesn’t make me uncomfortable really, it’s just... weird? Not in a bad way. Just weird.

    I dunno, maybe I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact I’m probably a trans guy? I’ve even started thinking about talking to my mom about some things but I’m not sure where to begin. I’ve considered brushing off being trans and just starting with talking about how I feel about my chest and top surgery since that’s something cis women also feel sometimes. But then again surgery is a scary thing so maybe that’s not the best starting point. She knows I’ve been in a funk about something lately though, and I hate making her worry.

    Which brings me to another worry. My mom and I are pretty close. We like cuddling when we watch movies or tv. Will that change if I’m a guy? Idk it just seems like dudes don’t get as much physical affection from parents or friends and I’m afraid of that.
     
  5. QuietPeace

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    Congratulations on the progress

    That depends on you and the people who you know. I know more than one guy (one is my boyfriend) who love to cuddle (even when it is not leading to sex). If the people who you are close to accept that you will still need affection then it will not interfere.
     
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  6. MaybeBoy

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    I’ve done some reading about non-binary identities and so far I don’t feel drawn to any of them. With the exception of agender/genderfluid maybe?

    Other than pretending to be a boy when playing games with other kids sometimes I dont remember thinking or caring a ton about it? Memories about my childhood aren’t super clear though honestly. Anxiety kinda made a mess of that.

    I have watched that video before and some others from that channel. Thank you for the link though. I’ll definitely give it and other videos there another look.
     
  7. Mihael

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    Being attracted to someone isn’t a problem. Being an asshole and not taking a no for a no is a problem.

    It will change only if you want it to change. In close relationships, we are people, not genders. So you can make a relationship with someone that close look however you want it to look.

    as for childhood, it’s common for trans folk to not experience much in terms of their gender at that age. Many trans individuals start to have a sense of their gender or play with toys that are associated with their real gender or start feeling discomfort with their assigned gender at an early age, but if you’re not one of those people, that’s okay too.

    huh, agreed, it’s better to leave surgery as the last topic for moms xD