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Identity

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, May 24, 2016.

  1. baristajedi

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    I suppose a lot of us through our LGBT journeys have thought about how we define our identities.

    I'd love to start a discussion thread on how we individually think about our identities. Do you ascribe to an LGBT label? Do you find it helpful or restrictive? How has your LGBT journey shaped or changed your view of your identity? Do you find your LGBT identity to be central to your overall identity? Are you proud of your identity? What are some other facets of who you are outside of being LGBT that you consider part of your identity?

    Me:

    I'm queer, I like having a label, but I don't find the available labels to be easily ascribable to me. But I feel very at home with the 'queer' label right now. Maybe one day this will shift, but it feels the most in line with how I view my sexuality.

    Even though I've come out late in life, I actually feel quite strongly attached to my LGBT identity. I think this is because, even though I haven't always acknowledged being queer, it's always been s core part of me. Coming out, and finding a way to name my queer identity, and also ways to express that identity by building community, through dress, through interests, through conversation, I feel a very positive and good and important part of me has come to the surface.

    I am at the beginning stages of embracing my queer identity, and I do believe I'm starting to exude pride. I certainly have a long way to go before I feel closer to fully embracing my queer identity, but it is certainly becoming a source of happiness and even fun for me.

    I also feel like I have other core identities that make up "me". I consider myself to be an intellectual, a thinker, a spiritual person, a mom, an optimist, a tomboy, a nerd, a geek, a writer, an expat, a feminist, and it is part of my core values to support social justice.

    I suppose all of these things kind of fit together to make me "me".

    What about you guys??
     
    #1 baristajedi, May 24, 2016
    Last edited: May 24, 2016
  2. OnTheHighway

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    I am whom I am. I happen to be gay. It's only one part of whom I am. So much of my life's journey defines me, this a part of that journey, but it is not all encompassing by any means.
     
  3. CameOutSwinging

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    When I was younger, around 19/20 years old, I very much depended on my sexuality as a form of identity. If you knew one thing about me, it was that I was bi or gay, depending on when it was. It was the first time I was really trying to be myself and make friends in college, and I guess even still figuring out my identity as a whole, and using this as an easy identity to cling to just made sense. I think I've mentioned this before, but I once had a college professor in an acting class tell me that I "wasn't as gay as I was letting on," which always stuck with me a bit.

    Now as I deal with a lot of life confusion, I still find moments of going back to making this my identity but in a lot of ways I don't want to. I aspire to me more like OTH, where who I date isn't the single reflection of who I am. Most of the people I know who seem well adjusted and gay seem to fit this bill.

    I keep thinking about how in certain ways I may have to come out again (I really do feel like I did this already 12 years ago...oye) and it kind of annoys me because I shouldn't have to. My sexuality shouldn't actually be a surprise to anybody. It's half the reason I think I might just wait around and let people find out one day when I'm introducing them to my new boyfriend (whenever that day comes).
     
  4. Flatulentius

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    Since I came out to myself as - well - definitely not straight, I've had something like four years to think about the sexual orientation part of my identity, and for simplicity's sake, I prefer to just say that I'm gay. Now, seeing how human sexuality is as complex as it is, I recognize that I conceivably could find myself attracted to someone who's not a man someday. Thus, I'd put myself on the Kinsey scale right at a 6 with -1/+0 error bars. Sorry, I'm an engineer, and I science the $#!% out of everything, including my sexuality. :lol:

    So yeah, I identify as gay to myself, and this hasn't so much changed as merely solidified over the course of my journey. My gayness is just one part of my identity, although it's taken on an over-sized place in my thoughts as I've dealt with the fears of consequences I could face for coming out or being outed in my highly religious and conservative community.

    Not being very out, I'm not sure how much I can claim to be 'proud' of this part of who I am, but I'm not ashamed of it internally. It's just a part of who I am, like being analytical, introverted, spiritual(-ish), emotional, creative, a dog lover, a computer geek, etc. These are all part of identity, although I don't feel like I need to verbally associate myself with any of these facets of my identity. Most of these just become apparent with observation; if you see me at a party, you'll notice that I'm introverted. If you visit my house, you'll see (and hear) my dog. The gay part, though, is a little less obvious; that takes some well-trained gaydar... :icon_redf
     
  5. baristajedi

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    I suppose for me, being queer isn't just about sexuality. It's about the journey of acceptance. To me, that's a big part of who I am.

    But I understand what you are all saying, about it being just one facet of who you are.

    For me, it plays a big part in my life.
     
    #5 baristajedi, May 24, 2016
    Last edited: May 24, 2016
  6. BrookeVL

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    I'm still kinda figuring my identity out. I'm certain I'm SOME form of bisexual....I'm liking "pansexual" right now, as I do think that describes my sexuality pretty well.
     
  7. greatwhale

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    That's a great observation, barista! What forges this identity is the struggle to achieve an identity that is in harmony with who we are; it is the common thread for all LGBT folk: having had to struggle to get to this place creates an identity all on its own...we've been there, and if you haven't gone through it, you aren't there yet.
     
  8. scouse

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    I identify as gay, but les works fine. It took a good 18 months after coming out as 'into women' to start really identifying with the label and feeling comfortable with it. In terms of shaping and changing, over time I went from hating being gay and wanting the hetero normality I'd once had, to starting to feel like part of the lgbt community and feeling an affinity towards other lgbt peeps. This change definitely coincided with the pride stage, when I started feeling happy and excited for the future I guess, instead of terrified and frustrated. Stopping myself brewing inside my head and instead going to lgbt friendly places/events/forums helped immensely with my journey.

    I do feel proud, although I believe that my being gay is secondary to everything else I am. From the outset, I never wanted my coming out to reframe who I was at my core. I didn't want anything else to change in my life, particularly my relationships with my family and friends. So, I don't lead with being gay although some people guess because I'm a bit of a tomboy. That's fine. At my core, I'm a proud nerd, passionate about my job and will always be an introvert who likes to read far more than socialise :rolle:
     
  9. baristajedi

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    I longed for all of the things that come with coming out for a long time; though until I came out I didn't fully understand what I was longing for. One example is - I longed for this community far before I acknowledged my sexuality. Through my life I managed to find my "people" in terms of other facets of my identity, but of course, not in terms of being queer.

    I love what coming out has done for my life. I feel like even though I'm still sorting it all out, I'm being me more fully than I ever have.

    The journey to get here has been a long and hard path for me, getting here means alot to me.
     
    #9 baristajedi, May 24, 2016
    Last edited: May 24, 2016
  10. kypso

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    I think I like to think of myself as lucky enough that I can fall for someone's heart and soul regardless of their gender...
     
  11. baristajedi

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    Do you feel a big difference between identifying as gay (woman) or lesbian?

    I almost feel like they're interchangeable.

    ---------- Post added 24th May 2016 at 12:10 PM ----------

    i like that view, it's pretty cool :slight_smile:
     
  12. yuanzi

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    I do believe being bi is part of my identity (bi is not very accurate for me but it is an easy and lazy term so let's go with it). I don't see it playing a big part in my future professional career unless I become a career activist or counselor (not likely). It does play a big part in my personal life obviously. I think the most important lessons it has taught me is to be more compassionate and more logical instead of rejecting everything outside the societal norms without proper reasoning.
     
  13. BrookeVL

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    I definitely DO think my identity is a big part of who I am. But it's not the whole package.
     
  14. whizbang

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    I'm pretty cool with it, truth be told. I think once i accepted myself, the label was icing on the cake.

    Plus i can REALLY shop for accessories now

    [​IMG]

    Woo Hoo!!! (!) :grin:
     
  15. Adray

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    Yes, I absolutely ascribe to an LGBT label. I am bisexual.

    I find the label very helpful. I first learned what it meant when I was in college. I was having attractions and feelings for both women and men. I knew I wasn't straight, but I also knew I probably wasn't gay either, I liked girls too much. I walked to the Undergraduate Library and spent an afternoon thumbing through Human Sexuality textbooks... LOL, this was the mid-80's, way pre-Internet.... Yep, "bisexuality"... that's me. I didn't come out to anyone for years, but I kept the knowledge of that term inside me.

    I wondered for a long time if my sexuality would change. It really never has. I know so many others have experienced meaningful changes. I'm still bisexual after 48 years, so that's another reason the label has become comforting to me.

    Over time, I have wanted more and more to be out, to be the true me. I have been reading a lot of books on bisexuality lately (I'm a bit of a nerd like some others here, too). I am married, monogamous, and happy, so one of the big challenges is answering the question "why?" Because I am, because I'm sick of the closet, because I've straightened out so many other areas of my life (I cleaned up my diet, took up bicycle commuting, and lost 70 pounds a few years ago, still at it, still maintaining), this was the last piece of the puzzle I've wanted to complete. With the help of so many of you guys here on EC, I have begun coming out, and it has been an unforgettable life experience.

    The most surprising thing so far on my journey is how, although I haven't changed inside much, people I am out to see me differently. I have been surprised (shocked, even) by the positive reactions of my guitarist and a band family member. Did not see that coming, and it's awesome. The anxiety of coming out is everything I expected, though... LOL.

    I'm proud of my bi identity and getting prouder all the time. You should see my "man cave" in the basement where I play bass - it is a weird mix of bi pride items I've been finding, bass guitar gear, and lots of skull and dragon items (I'm also an old D&D gamer from ages ago). My day job is very technical and challenging, so my identity away from work is very important to me. Bassist, gamer, bicyclist, bisexual. All important to me.

    Sorry for the long answer. Proud bisexual here, and I like the label :slight_smile:. Good topic, btw!
     
  16. Morgana

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    I like the label "queer" as in "queer as fuck." I think it describes me very well and is much easier on the tongue than "pansexual gender-fluid."

    I'm not a huge fan of labels in general, but for this one I make a happy exception.

    Morgana the Queer
     
  17. baristajedi

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    Woot woot!! I love accessories too! Especially queer/LGBT accessories. I think my next purchase might be a black triangle.

    ---------- Post added 25th May 2016 at 12:22 AM ----------

    I think for us folks who fall somewhere in the middle, even if we veer very far to one side or another, can have a lot of trouble seeing where we fit in. I know it's true for me. Even though I lean more to the gay side, I feel like my attraction/feelings for men are still part of my whole sexuality. I don't want to pretend any part of me doesn't exist. I've done that for too long!

    I also feel, like you, that all my facets of my identity need to be nourished. I can't just function as mom and professional. I need to be able to geek out, gay out, etc.

    ---------- Post added 25th May 2016 at 12:24 AM ----------

    Love this! Morgana the Queer is like the raddest superhero name!
     
    #17 baristajedi, May 25, 2016
    Last edited: May 25, 2016
  18. Distant Echo

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    I Identify as gay and gender fluid. There is a huge difference between gay and lesbian for me, and as I am not always female, and my attraction is very much towards butch, lesbian does not remotely fit me.
    I'm also finding new parts of myself I have never dared to explore, and finding that I am not the person I have presented as for most of my life. My journey is just beginning, I have a long way to go...and I'm having a lot of fun learning about myself.
    I also don't ascribe to the butch/femme identities. Neither fits. My gender fluidity contributes to that too. I'm not androgynous either. I'm just me.
     
  19. baristajedi

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    I love it that you're having fun discovering you. Me too! Until maybe a month ago, I'd been feeling so much angst. But that has dissipated greatly and life and being queer and learning about me is truly fun.

    It's also interesting to hear your take on the terms gay vs lesbian, I totally get it based on what you say.
     
  20. Nickw

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    Before coming out to my wife, I was interested in applying the label bisexual to myself. It kept it real for me. Now, that I am out to her and joking about everything bi (even binoculars the other day), I am finding I no longer feel the internal need.

    I had my "bi side" completely partitioned off to be used when I felt like it. Now, it is all integrated. So, if anything my identity is tied less to the label. However, it seems I do need some sort of label when I communicate with others in the LGBT community.

    My wife prefers my "gay" when we tease. This is fine with me as a definition of my same sex desires because it gives us a way to communicate. But, that label does not apply to what I feel.

    When I think of socializing as a member of the LGBT community, it is not really appealing. I just don't feel it. I would like a couple of married gay or bi guys as friends and confidantes, but recognize this is unlikely.

    I'm now just me...all of me. The freedom I feel doesn't need the label.