How much do/did you blame yourself for being LGBT?

I used to try and draw conclusions based on experiences in my life, and for a time, I wondered, if I had never had those experiences, would I have never had those thoughts? The assumption began to change soon after I got more comfortable with it though. But it still sometimes pops up in my head, but no big deal.

 

I thought it was my mother who made me gay, and kind of still do. I've heard that when a mother is pregnant and hopes the baby is the opposite sex of what it really is, the chemicals get mixed up and it makes the baby gay. I don't know how true that is, but my mother did hope I would turn out to be a girl.

 

It's all on me. I often think that if I dated a guy (even now) that maybe I might like it and then I could have a relationship that my mom would be happy about. Then I wouldn't have to worry.

 

I blame my mother's body for making my body a different gender than my brain.

 

Aside from acting upon those feelings, no, I never really blamed myself. That's, really, all one can control. You are what you are.

But I might have an edge here, because being bisexual I find it rather fascinating and awesome, that I can potentially like anybody. In that regard, I think bisexuality is a lot more practical than monosexuality. This isn't to say one is superior, but it would explain why I have an easier time with my sexuality.

Now... gender... dear Lord, where do I begin?

While I've never blamed myself for how I am, there have been moments where, for better or worse, I blame myself for how I handle it. I pride myself on always forging ahead, if it means better for myself (and sometimes, those I deem worthy of my care), but life seems to be having a field day with me, by granting me the most infuriating of family.

They wouldn't physically grab me and kick me out, and they wouldn't grab the pitchforks and torches, but they would give me the silent treatment -- it'd be the "straw that broke the camel's back" of excuses, to just let me go. This on top of my past relationships with them all, of course. None of them like negative press, so to speak, and anything considered "not normal" or controversial, well, they cut you off -- in order to preserve themselves.

Basically, telling them all of this would result in the following:

Me: Hey, I'm capable of liking anybody -- and I'm a woman.
Them: ... *all turn around and leave, with judgmental thoughts*

So now, on top of dealing with all of this myself, everybody knows and it becomes harder. I thrive for challenges (sometimes), but in this particular predicament, it is best to wait it out, until I have all the necessary means to pursue a solitary life. I'd rather be thought of as the black sheep than not thought of at all, if that makes any sense...

... it'd be easier if they were openly defiant or hateful, or even super open-minded about it. But no, I have to get the ridiculously irritating medium.

All that said, I know, in the end, that I shall become better.

And why?

Patience has taught me observation.
Loveless has taught me appreciation.
Failure has taught me perseverance.
Struggle has taught me value.

But most importantly, the reason I will become better:

Because I am Kaiser, God damn it~!

I break for nobody.​

 

Why would I blame some neutral attribute that is essentially an innate part of me?